


Learning to Love (Again)

by captain_k_jones



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Daddy!Killian, Divorce, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-28 19:25:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 73,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5102837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_k_jones/pseuds/captain_k_jones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of his crumbling marriage, Killian Jones turns to his best friend Emma Swan for help. Even though Emma had just ended a two year long relationship she is more than happy to welcome Killian and Nate, his eleven month old son, into her home. What neither of them expect is to learn how to love again through each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Both

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HookedonCS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HookedonCS/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wanted to wish the happiest of birthdays to o-u-a-timer. Mona, you are an amazing person and I am so happy to have met you. You are definitely my writing soulmate 3. Thank you so much for always being there for me. Love ya, chica!
> 
> This story was meant to be a quick one-shot to celebrate a wonderful friend's birthday. I quickly found out that to do it justice, it needed to be multi-chapter. As of now, I have one chapter written...so it will likely be a bit before the next chapter is posted as I HAVE to get ahead in my writing (I normally don't post until I have five chapters written).
> 
> Also, it wouldn't be a fic from me without a good amount of angst. I will say that is will not be near the amount that was seen in Sometimes It Hurts though, if you read that one.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT or it's characters.

Sighing in frustration, Emma shifted her fingers through her hair. The bright red numbers from the clock on the stove were mocking her, reminding her of how late it really was. Yet, there she stood in the kitchen, making popcorn, and preparing to watch a movie despite the hour. Good thing she didn’t have to work tomorrow. David had graciously given her the day off after she’d spent the last three days staking out a suspect’s house and successfully apprehending him earlier that day.

The only problem was now she couldn’t sleep. She was either too hyped up from the chase or too lonely, but either way she had laid her head down on the pillow and sleep had refused to come. Which was why she’d decided to start a movie when it was nearly midnight. At the beep of the microwave, Emma opened the door and pulled the bag of popcorn out. After pouring the popcorn in the bowl, she made her way to the living room.

Settling into the couch, she wrapped her extra soft fleece blanket, the very same one Killian had gotten her for christmas, around her and wondered briefly if any of her friends would be awake at this ungodly hour. Mary-Margaret and David were most certainly asleep since having a newborn was not the easiest thing in the word. Killian was out of town, but he would be sleeping as well. Ruby and Liam were a different story though. Ruby’s bar didn’t close for another two hours and Liam always helped her close when he was in town on leave.

Emma shook her head and glanced around the living room. Perhaps, she was lonely. All of her friends were paired up and, given her recent break up with Walsh, she was left the odd woman out. She bit her lip. She didn’t want to think of Walsh, of his high expectations, of his failed marriage proposal, or of his final words to her. _You’re incapable of love, Emma. That’s what happens when you grow up the way you did._

She could feel the heat rising to her face. Screw him! What did he know? She knew how to love. She loved her adoptive mom. She loved her friends. She loved a lot of people. She just didn’t love him and, just like Killian had told her on the phone the other night, that was okay. Wiggling to get comfortable, Emma pulled her blanket up further. She grabbed the popcorn and pressed play on _Pirates of the Caribbean_.

The previews had only just ended when a knock rang out through the cottage from the front door. Jumping in response, the popcorn spilled out of the bowl and onto the ground. Her eyes narrowed as she let out an irritated sigh. Who the hell could be at her house in the middle of the night? Placing her bowl on the table, she shoved her blanket off and made her way to the door.

Once there, she peeked into the peephole, but only saw a mass of dark hair. Clicking the deadbolt, she turned the handle and opened the door. Her eyebrows furrowed as her eyes filled with surprise. In front of her stood Killian Jones. His cheeks were flushed, his hair a disheveled mess, and his eyes were blazing with anger. In his arms, wrapped in an anchor blanket, was little Nathaniel, Killian’s eleven month old son, who looked to be fast asleep.

“Killian?” Her hand pressed against the door jamb.

His eyes met hers and as his hold tightened on Nate. “I’m sorry, Emma.” His voice was hard, as if he were trying to keep his emotions in check. “We… Well, we didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

* * *

“What happened?” Emma asked with soft eyes and a tilt of her head.

He was sitting next to her on her couch, Nate was wrapped in his blanket asleep on his chest. He’d been tempted to allow Emma to put Nate in her spare bedroom to get some sleep as soon as she’d invited them in, but the idea of letting go of his son was not one he was ready to entertain at the moment. His gaze drifted from Emma to his little lad. Nate was undisturbed by the fact that he wasn’t in his bedroom at this late hour, he’d fallen back asleep in the car on the way to Emma’s and had thankfully stayed that way.

He lifted his head, his eyes meeting Emma’s before swallowing hard. How the bloody hell was he to explain what happened when he wasn’t entirely sure himself? How was he supposed to talk when it felt like his very heart was being ripped from his chest? How was he…. Emma placed her hand on his knee and the contact pulled him from his thoughts.

“You know you can tell me anything, Killian.” Her words were a soft murmur in an otherwise silent room.

He bit the inside of his cheek. He knew he could tell her anything, he’d been able to do so since the day they’d met on the playground after Emma had officially been adopted, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was… How do you tell your best friend that your life was falling apart? Bloody hell, where would he even start? He could feel the tears prick the corner of his eyes and his jaw clenched. How do you tell someone that your wife...

He took a deep breath and unconsciously patted his son’s back. “I…” His head shook, one hand curling into a fist. “When…” His his heart clenched as he squeezed his eyes shut. “Milah…” His hand ran the length of Nate’s back as his lad shifted slightly. He took another deep, calming breath and opened his eyes. “Milah cheated on me.” His voice quivered as he finally whispered the words.

Emma’s eyes widened, her lips fell open in surprise. “What?” Her voice was full of shock, of disbelief at his words.

His features crumpled at the thought of having to repeat himself. Didn’t she see that he was barely holding on, barely keeping his emotions in check? Didn’t she she that...

Her hand reached out to cover his, her eyes sympathetic as they met his gaze. “I’m so sorry, Killian. I can’t believe...You don’t deserve that.”

His eyes fell to the floor as he shook his head dejectedly. “I don’t?” He let out a small sigh. “I mean you know we’ve had problems as of late.” His shoulders fell. “Perhaps, if I had listened more or if I had stayed home or if….”

Gentle pressure on his hand had him drawing his gaze back to meet Emma’s. Her head swayed slowly from side to side as her lips pursed slightly. “No, Killian. Don’t do that. Don’t put all of the blame on yourself. It was Milah’s choice to do this, her’s alone.”

He tightened his hold on Nate causing his lad to cuddle more into his chest. Dropping his nose into his lad’s too long hair, he breathed in his scent. It may have been Milah’s choice, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a hand in it as well. It took two for a marriage to succeed and it took two for it to fail. What he didn’t understand was _why_ his marriage was failing. When he’d left for New York to meet with his publisher he thought they were okay, he thought they had agreed to work on their problems. He thought….

His eyes hardened. It didn’t bloody matter what he thought. Milah hadn’t thought the same. If she had, he wouldn’t have come home to a screaming lad and his wife fucking Robert Gold in their bed. His stomach twisted as he thought about the two of them wrapped in the sheets, in the same sheets he’d bought Milah as an anniversary gift. She didn’t even have the decency to hide her dalliance when he’d found her.

“Hey…” Picking up on his turmoil, Emma squeezed his hand once more. “You have every right to be upset…”

“Upset?!” His voice was harsh, but he tried to keep it low since Nate was still asleep. “Emma...” His heart clenched violently as tears formed in his eyes. “I don’t know which way is up and which way is down. One minute I feel like falling to my knees and in the next, I feel like balling my hands into fists and breaking something. ” He could feel the despair settle in his chest. “And right now? Right now I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.” Finally, the tears fell.

Emma reached out, cupped his cheek, and wiped a tear with her thumb. He turned and pressed his face further into her hand, taking comfort in the warmth of her, of his best friend.

“Right now, you don’t have to do anything.” She lowered her hand and gave him an encouraging smile. “All you have to do is focus on being the best father you can for Natey Matey.”

The use of his lad’s nickname caused the corners of his mouth to lift slightly. He looked down at his beautiful sleeping lad, his head full of dark hair peeking out from his blanket. He could do that, he could focus on his son, on his Nate. But the thought of returning to that house, of returning to the place where his wife had…

“I can’t go back to that house, Emma.” His voice broke as his arms tightened around Nate.

For the first time that night Emma gave him a real true ‘Emma Swan’ smile and he felt the pain in his chest loosen just slightly. “Well, that part is easy. You two stay with me.”

* * *

Asking him to stay was an easy decision. After all, he was her best friend and he needed her. What he was going through was something that wasn’t going to be easy. He needed to be with someone who cared about him, with someone who loved him. Since Liam was only in town one weekend a month on leave, he didn’t even have a place in town anymore. More often than not Liam ended up staying with Ruby in her apartment above the bar, which wasn’t really an option for Killian considering Nate was with him. No, staying with her was the easiest option.

But, from the wide, shocked eyes on Killian’s face, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy convincing him of that.

“Emma.” He shook his head. “I can’t ask you to take on a grown man and an eleven month old.”

She rolled her eyes. Take him on? Hadn’t she been doing that since she was six and Nate, Nate was a cinnamon roll. He was the happiest child she’d ever encountered. Plus, she wanted to do this… she wanted to help him.

“Killian, really?” She waved her hand in the air. “You’re my best friend and I have the room. It’s nothing.”

His eyes fell to Nate and she could almost anticipate what he would say next. “Having an almost toddler in the house is not exactly easy, lass. Milah hated it when…”

His words trailed off and she felt her heart break for him. How could Milah do something like this? Killian had been completely devoted to her since they met in college. She could remember how excited he’d been when he’d called and told her about meeting Milah, how in love they appeared every time she saw them together. The fact that Milah had cheated on him, on her best friend, shocked her. He didn’t deserve this, no one ever deserved this.

“Hey.” Her voice was gentle as she reached over and lifted his chin to meet her gaze. “Remember when we were kids and we promised to always be there for each other?” He nodded his head, a small smile forming on his lips. “This is my way of keeping that promise. Stay here. Please.”

She laid her hand back in her lap and watched as his eyes scanned her face before falling to the floor. When he finally he looked up at her, his eyes sad and defeated, a small, true smile graced his lips.

“Okay.” He whispered while shifting Nate against his chest. “Okay, we’ll stay with you.”

She grinned. Standing up from her place on the couch, she held her hand out for Killian to grasp. Wasting no time, his arm reached out to meet hers. Their fingers entwined and she turned to walk him up the steps to his room. Right before they made it to the stairs, Killian tugged her hand causing her to turn. As soon as she was facing him, he enveloped her with his free arm and pinned Nate in between the two of them.

“I cannot thank you enough for this, Emma.” The words were said into her hair as she wrapped her arms around him. “You are bloody amazing.”

She felt his body shake as he finally succumbed to the pain raging inside of him. One of her hands found the back of his head while the other ran the the length of his back in comfort. She could feel the tears prick her eyes as she thought about what he was going through. She wished there was some way to take the pain away, but there wasn’t. All she could do was assure him that he wasn’t alone.

“I’m here, Killian. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve got you, I’ve got you both.”


	2. Chapter 2 - Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am so so so sorry this took FOREVER and a day to get out. The last several week have not been fun in my real life and I have suffered some major writer's block because of it. I know I have several follower prompts I need to fulfill and rest assured, I have not forgotten you! I am still working through the writer's block slowly, but surely so hopefully things will start looking up. 
> 
> This was written for o-u-a-timer's bday! I hope you enjoy this next part, Mona.
> 
> Also, only the first two sections were beta'ed. All mistakes are mine and I am blaming the pain meds. But seriously, if you see something let me know and I will fix it!
> 
> Thanks for all of the kudos and reviews on chapter 1!
> 
> (Warning: Angst ahead. Please bear in mind that the Killian of this story did love Milah, otherwise he would not have married her.)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT or its characters. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_Killian ran his hands through his dark locks as he rushed down the stairs. They were expected at Ruby's ten minutes ago. Liam was in town and seeing as it was a nice summer day, the group had decided that a nice picnic in the park would be a good idea. But, of course, he was running late. He could see Emma's face in his mind as she lectured him about always running late, perhaps he should've heeded her advice and moved all the clocks in the house back to ensure he would always be on time. He could only hope that Milah had Nate ready to go now that he was._

_As soon as his boot covered feet hit the landing at the base of the stairs, he twisted his body toward the living room and came to a halt. His head tilted to the side in confusion. Robert Gold stood in his living room. His eyebrows furrowed. Gold and he were not what one would call friends. Not that they were enemies, either. No, it was more like they were completely indifferent to one another. Which begged the question... Why was he standing in the middle of Killian's living room?_

_Killian took a step into the room when two little arms reach up from the floor. Nate. His stomach clenched, eyes widening, as irrational fear shot through his body. His instincts kicked in and all he wanted was to tuck Nate safely into his side and get him away from Gold._

" _Papa!" Nate's happy voice rang out._

_Killian couldn't help the smile that took over his face at his son's voice. Nate was in the beginning stages of speech and 'Papa' was Killian's favorite, for obvious reasons._

_Surprise crossed his features as he watched Nate's hands fist into Gold's pants to pull himself up towards the man. His mouth fell open and his heart plummeted to his stomach as Gold reached down and picked Nate up before swinging him in the air._

" _Yes, my boy, Papa is home and I have missed you so much! Now, tell me… Where is your beautiful mother?" Gold asked Nate as he settled the boy on his hip._

 _Killian's eyes widened. Papa? It felt as though all of the air had been removed from the room. He couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. The scene before him was wrong. It was… It was impossible. Nate was his son. His hands clenched into fists. None of this made any bloody sense... Nate was_ his  _son. He was the one who comforted Nate when he was scared, who sang him to sleep every night, who made sure he had everything he needed. He was Nate's papa, not Gold._

_Lost in thought, he almost missed Milah enter the living room from their kitchen. Her long dark hair was pulled up into a ponytail and her face brightened in surprise as she walked toward Gold and Nate. When she finally reached him, she lifted up on her toes and pressed a quick kiss to Gold's cheek. "Bobby! I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow! This is such a surprise!"_

_Gasping in shock, Killian's heart beat rapidly in his chest. He felt dizzy, blood pounded in his ears as he reached a hand out to the wall to steady himself before his legs gave out beneath him. All he could see was the happy family in front of him, his son in another man's arms, his wife kissing… His chest tightened. How could this happen? Somehow, he'd lost everything he cared about. He'd lost Milah, he'd lost Nate… He felt his breath quicken as he struggled to breath. This couldn't be happening. This… a heaviness settled in his chest as he..._

His eyes snapped open, breath catching in his throat. It took him a moment, maybe two, to realize he was no longer in his living room. He was at Emma's, in her guest bedroom. Chubby hands found his cheeks as blue eyes met his own. Relief flooded his body as he took in his lad perched on his chest.

"Pa-pa." His lad's face held nothing but a smile.

His arm snaked around Nate and crushed him to his chest. Tears escaped the corners of his eyes. It was a dream. It was all a bloody dream. Nate was here, Nate was  _his_. His nose buried itself in Nate's shaggy locks.

For a moment, he did nothing but breath his son in. It wasn't until Nate squirmed on his chest that Killian finally released him. He watched as Nate crawled over his body and pulled his giraffie into his arms, hugging it tightly. It was a good thing he remembered to grab the soft toy before leaving his house the night before. Otherwise, Nate would not be in this good of a mood.

His hands clenched in the bed sheets as he remembered coming home to find Nate in his bedroom screaming and to find his wife in bed with another man, with Robert Gold. He bit the inside of his cheek. What was he supposed to do? Milah had… Milah had done something unthinkable. She'd betrayed him, betrayed their marriage, but she was still Nate's mother. She was still the woman he loved.

Unclenching his fist, he lifted his arms to run a hand down his face. He needed to stop thinking about all of this. It was too soon, too fresh. He should focus on Nate, on making sure his son did not notice anything was amiss. His head shifted to his son playing next to him. His eyes raked over the pajama set Nate was wearing. It was one of those one piece footie sets made of fleece, the kind that was good for both play and sleep. It would definitely work for today, but he would need something new for tomorrow. Which meant a trip back home, a trip he had no bloody interest in taking.

Rolling his head, he fixed his eyes on the ceiling above him. His heart felt heavy in his chest. He was nowhere near ready to face Milah, to face her actions, to be in the same room with the woman who had ripped his heart out.

He hadn't been lying when he'd told Emma the night before that there was a part of him that blamed himself. He'd met Milah their first year at university. He was lonely, likely because Liam had been deployed and it was the first time in years he'd been separated from Emma, separated from his best mate, and Milah was like a breath of fresh air. She was someone he could spend his endless free hours with, someone who made him feel a little less alone.

After college, they had moved back to Storybrooke and made a life for themselves in his small little hometown. They'd lived in Storybrooke for five years when he'd asked her to marry him. They had been so happy when they found out about Nate, so excited to start the rest of their lives. Then the last several months happened. Milah had started to pull away and they had started to argue more and more. It wasn't the most ideal situation to be living in, but he had been willing to try.

Until last night, that is.

A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts. Checking on his son, who was happily playing on the side of the bed against the wall, Killian made a barrier of pillows so Nate couldn't fall before he forced himself up to answer the door, knowing his best mate would be on the other side.

He hissed as his bare feet hit the wooden floor of the bedroom. His room at home had carpet so he normally slept without socks. Opening the door, he was greeted with Emma's hesitant smile. She was still dressed in her pajamas from the night before, her blonde hair pulled into a ponytail as she shifted from foot to foot.

"Hey…" She bit her bottom lip. "I was just checking to see if you were up, I figured Natey Matey might be getting hungry."

From behind him, his lad let out a squeal obviously having heard Emma at the door. Pushing the door open, he allowed Emma to peer into the bedroom. Nate was bouncing on the bed with his legs beneath him, his arms thrown up into the air, and a huge grin on his face.

"Em! Em! Em!" Each word was spoken with a bounce.

Emma's smile widened as she launched herself onto the bed to tickle his son. "Natey! Auntie Em is so excited to see you! Did you sleep good, little man?"

Killian leaned against the wall and watched his lad interact with Emma. Since the moment Nate had been born, Emma had been involved in his life. She made it a point, despite the fact that her and Milah did not get along the best, to be present in Nate's life. And seeing the two of them now, he couldn't be more thankful.

He felt the corners of his lips lift just a wee bit. This wasn't the first time he'd been thankful for Emma's presence in his life and it certainly would not be the last.

"Papa!" Nate's voice drew his attention back to the bed.

Pushing himself off of the wall, Killian strode to the bed. Climbing in quickly, he pulled Nate to sit on his lap and handed him giraffie to keep him occupied. As soon as Nate was settled, he lifted his gaze to meet Emma's.

"Thank you again, Swan, for providing us a place to stay. Nate will be much more comfortable here than at a hotel." He kissed Nate's unruly hair.

Emma shrugged her shoulders, her hand reached out to grip his knee. "It's nothing Killian. I want the two of you here."

"Nonetheless, love, I am grateful." He offered her a small smile.

Emma waved him off. "What do you want for breakfast. I have some Cheerios and fruit for Nate."

Nate launched himself into Emma's arms at the mention of food. "Eat! Em! Eat!"

Emma laughed, her gaze shifting to look at the toddler in her arms. "Yep. Food, Nate. What do you think your papa wants, huh?"

Reaching up, Killian scratched the hair at the crown of his head. He really wasn't feeling hungry. In fact, the very last thing he wanted to do was eat. He needed to get to the house, to grab as many things as he could so that he wouldn't have to return for some time.

"Actually, lass…" His voice caused Emma to focus on him once more. "Would you mind keeping an eye on Nate while I run to the house? I need to pick up some of his stuff and mine if we are to stay here."

Concern flashed on Emma's face. "Are you sure that is a good idea. It hasn't even been a day, Killian."

Arching an eyebrow, he shook his head. "I don't have much choice. I left in such a hurry I didn't grab extra clothes for him or I. Not to mention my laptop. I have to have the next draft into my editor by week's end."

"Okay." Emma murmured, her eyes full of worry. "I'll watch him as long as you promise to leave if she tries to start something."

"Aye. You have my word." Killian nodded.

"Alright, then! You ready to eat Natey Matey?" He almost laughed when he noticed the enthusiasm had returned to Emma's voice.

Nate wrapped his arms around Emma's neck. "Eat!"

Emma stood and settled Nate on her hip before looking at him. "I'll fix you something quick before you go."

Once again, he was struck with how lucky he was. "Thank you, Emma." His whispered words were full of sincerity.

She smiled as she turned to take Nate downstairs to the kitchen. Killian sighed, his fingers running nervously through his disheveled hair. It was time to get this over with.

Hopefully, it wasn't a mistake.

* * *

 

It hadn't taken Killian long to arrive at the house after leaving Nate with Emma. In fact, a part of him wished it would have taken longer so that he could prepare himself for the inevitable confrontation with Milah. He had been surprised when he arrived and found Milah's car gone and the house empty. Surprised and relieved, that is. Without Milah there, he was able to get into the house and grab all of his necessary items before moving to Nate's room in a little under ten minutes.

Of course, he hit a snag as soon as he stepped foot in Nate's room. Normally, Nate slept with two stuffed animals at night, his Giraffie and a lovely little crocodile, aptly named Toc, that was given to him by Liam. In his haste to leave the house last night, he'd remembered to grab Giraffie but he'd forgotten Toc and, knowing his lad, there was no way he would sleep a second night without him.

He'd been searching the room for ten minutes when he heard the shuffling behind him. Tension engulfed his body as he took a deep breath and realized his luck had run out. Milah was home. His eyes closed tightly as his hands clenched into fists. He didn't want to see her, to hear her apologies. His heart twisted in his chest. He didn't want…

"Where's Nate?" Her sharp voice came from behind him.

Suddenly, his apprehension about facing her left as anger coursed through his body. Now she was worried about Nate? Where the bloody hell was she last night when he was screaming in his room? She sure as hell did not seem to care then. Rising from the floor stiffly, he turned toward his wife with a single eyebrow raised in question.

"Why the bloody hell do you care? You weren't so concerned about him last night." His words were harsh as he narrowed his eyes.

Milah's eyes met his own as she walked further into Nate's bedroom. "Oh come off it, Killian. He was fine. He wouldn't go to sleep, so I was letting him cry to tire himself out."

The nails of his fingers dug into the skin of his palm as he made a valiant effort to contain his emotions. "I see." His head jerked up and down. "Tell me, was Gold already waiting on you in  _our_ bed after you checked on Nate?"

Guilt flashed across her features and for a moment he revealed in it. He wanted her to feel guilty, to realize the consequences of her actions, to realize that she was tearing their family apart.

"Look, Killian, you weren't supposed to see that. I told you I was unhappy. I made it clear before you left for New York and you ignored it." She shrugged her shoulders.

He chuckled at the irony of it all. She was the one who cheated and yet, he was to take all of the blame for their problems. It was bloody ridiculous, insane really. "So your solution to our problems was to bring another man home and fuck him in our bed?  _Our_  bed, Milah!"

"You weren't supposed to be home until today!" She threw her hands in the air. "I was going to tell you today that I needed a break, but no… you had to come home early!"

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. His fists shook at his sides. He wanted, no he needed to get out of the house before he said something he would regret. Taking a deep breath, his eyes scanned the room until they landed on a green crocodile hanging halfway out of the clothes hamper by the bedroom door. Striding forward quickly, he brushed past Milah and grabbed the animal.

Without another word, he walked out of the room and down the stairs to stuff the animal in the rest of his bags by the front door. His single thought was of getting out of the house and back to his son. At this moment, he could care less about anything else. It wasn't until he had both bags in one hand and his other on the door handle before Milah spoke up from the landing at the base of the stairs.

"Where is my son, Killian?" He turned toward her just in time to see her cross her arms.

"Not that I owe you anything, but we will be staying at Emma's for the foreseeable future." He almost enjoyed the way her body flinched at his words. To say that her and Emma did not see eye to eye would be an understatement. They normally just got along for his sake.

"Of course that is where you went, I am not even surprised." She spat the words in his direction. "Always running to your Swan with your problems."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Better to run to a friend, than to cheat on your spouse I say."

After the words were spoken he turned quickly and walked out of the door. He needed to get to Nate. Someone had to care for him and it seemed that was going to be him for awhile.

* * *

 

Killian sighed while shifting his eyes to glance at his cell phone. It was vibrating once again in the cup holder of his car and, once again, his brother's name flashed on the screen. A shaking hand moved from the steering wheel to comb through his hair. It was obvious why Liam was calling. By now, Emma would have told him the situation. She was worried and he had yet to answer any phone calls since leaving his house, her next call would have been to Liam.

The corner of his lips lifted just slightly. If it were anyone else calling his older brother and discussing the dramatic turn his life had taken, he'd be right pissed about it. But, this was Emma. This was his best mate and he knew she worried. Not to mention, it had been hours since he'd left Nate with Emma and he had yet to make it home. Well, he had yet to make it in the door. His car had been parked in her driveway for the last thirty minutes while he sat in the driver's seat trying to get himself in check before he saw Nate.

The phone next to him ceased its vibrations and the screen went black. He could see his brother's face clearly, see the worry, and he knew he couldn't face him. Liam was always going on and on about 'good form' and Killian knew he would suggest he talk to Milah and hear her side of things. Only that was exactly what he did not want to do. He had no interest in hearing Milah's excuses. At least, right now he didn't. It was too fresh, to new. Bloody hell, right now it still felt like his heart had just been ripped from his chest.

He shook his head, hands clenching on his thighs. The talk with his brother would have to wait until Killian knew more about what he wanted to do exactly. Until then, he would do what he needed to do to insure Nate did not feel the loss of his mother. Nate had to be his first priority because he surely was not Milah's.

Exiting the car, he made his way to the front door of Emma's home. His eyebrows furrowed as he realized the front door had been left unlocked. He would need to speak with Emma about that. If he and Nate were to stay here, they needed to make sure all of the exits were secure seeing as Nate was beginning to be a little more adventurous. He was eleven months old after all.

As soon as the door closed behind him, he could hear his lad's happy giggle from the living room. His heart seized in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to wrap Nate in his arms and protect him from all of the madness that had taken place over the last twenty four hours, but what was he supposed to do when the person he needed to protect his son from was his own mother? How was he meant to handle that?

Taking a deep breath, he walked fully into the living room. A true smile formed on his lips as he took in the scene before him.

"Em! Em! Em!" Nate lie on his back on the floor, his chubby legs and arms flailed wildly through his laughter.

Emma leaned over him, her hands up like claws ready to strike while shaking her head. "Oh no you don't, Natey Matey, I captured you! Now I must tickle you!" He hands descended onto Nate's stomach and he squealed in response.

Killian's breath caught in this throat and he could feel tears prick the corners of his eyes. Nate was happy, it was as if he hadn't a care in the entire bloody world. In fact, he would even dare to say that his lad hadn't missed him a bit while he'd been away. And, he owed that to Emma. She had made sure Nate was well taken care of the way a mother should have.

His face fell. She wasn't his mother, though. Milah was. So why was it so hard for Milah to want to do these things? Why was it…

"Papa!" Nate's excited voice pulled him from his thoughts and he focused his attention back on the pair in front of him. Nate had pulled himself up to sit on the floor, his hands grabbing into the air, while Emma sat in front of him with a grin on her face.

"Hey, wee one." He nodded to Emma as he sat on the ground next to her. As soon as he was settled in, Nate crawled onto his lap and cupped his cheeks. Killian kissed his forehead quickly and wrapped his arms loosely around Nate's waist.

"Papa! Where go?" Nate's head inclined with his question.

Killian bit down on his lip before shaking his head and scrunching his nose. "Work, wee one. Papa had some work to take care of."

Nate seemed to be happy with his answer because he settled back into his lap, this time facing outwards, and pulled his giraffie to his lap to play. Seeing that his lad was occupied, Killian turned his attention to Emma.

"How was he today?" He whispered the words, eyes set forward on the television in front of them.

"Fine. We had a great day." She shrugged her shoulders. "There was a bit of a learning curve, but I caught on quick."

"Thank you, Emma." He turned his head in her direction. "Thank you for taking care of him. I am sorry I was gone so long, I had no intention of…"

She placed her hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. "It was nothing Killian. I love hanging out with Nate, you know this." Her eyes softened as she worried her lip. "Are you ok, though?"

Killian pulled Nate closer to his chest. He wasn't okay, likely wouldn't be for a good long while, but he didn't want to talk about it. Not with Liam, not with Emma, and not even with himself. All he wanted to do at this moment was pretend his heart wasn't broken, pretend he wasn't broken.

He forced a smile to his face, one that did not quite meet his eyes, and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm fine, Swan. Just happy to have Nate back in my arms." Turning away from Emma he leaned forward and placed a swift kiss a top Nate's dark locks.

"You know, I am here if you ever need to talk. I will always be here if you need me." She murmured the words as she rested her head on his shoulder.

He nodded, but didn't say a word. He didn't need to. What he needed to do was forget. His eyes closed. Nate played in his lap while Emma watched television next to him. He took a deep breath and then another, but his mind would not settle. Images of Milah and Gold played in his head on a continuous loop.

He wondered if she was happy, if she missed him. He wondered if she regretted what she did. He wondered if she ever truly cared at all.


	3. Chapter 3 - Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I cannot believe it took me this long to update. My sincerest apologies! My life has been a little crazy lately with having surgery in December, going back to school, and getting back to work. Not to mention, I had follower prompts on tumblr I had to finish. So, in short, thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but I can say the wait will not be as long as it was for this one. I promise you this.
> 
> As always, huge thanks to the-lady-of-mishaven, zengoalie, and o-u-a-timer for beta duties! Another HUGE thanks to o-u-a-timer for pushing me to make this chapter what it is!
> 
> This one is angsty, folks. (Are you really surprised by this?) Enjoy!
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the likes and reblogs on previous chapters!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT or its characters.

Emma tilted her head to the side as she bit down on her bottom lip and shoved both hands back into the soapy water in the sink to pull out the plug. It was a rare quiet moment in her house. Nate had finally gone down for a nap about an hour ago and would hopefully be asleep for another hour at the very least. A small smile formed on her lips as she thought about the little blue-eyed, brown-haired boy. Living with a toddler was something she always knew she would do, she just hadn’t expected to do it so soon or to do it with a child that was not her own. 

 

Although, she figured living with Nate was very different than living with any other random child. Nate was Killian’s and that automatically meant a greater bond between the two of them. Besides, over the last two months she’d definitely gotten the hang of having a toddler around all the time. So much so that she was beginning to dread the day that Killian finally decided to officially leave Milah and, in turn, find a place of his own. 

 

Speaking of Killian...

 

She rose onto her toes and craned her neck to look out of the window in front of her. From her place at her kitchen sink, she could see her back porch perfectly, which meant she could see Killian perfectly. Her mouth stretched into a thin line and her eyes softened as she took in the image of her best friend. 

 

He sat in the single rocking chair she had on the deck, his face trained ahead and his jaw clenched in tension. He had on a simple pair of dark wash jeans and his black North Face jacket. The weather wasn’t quite cold enough for a heavy jacket, but October had brought with it some cooler weather that called for a light coat at the very least. His dark hair was a disheveled mess, as if he’d run his hands through it a million times and she knew he had, because... Well, because he was struggling, troubled by the state of his marriage, and by the stress that came with suddenly becoming a single parent. Sure, she was there to help him, but Nate was not her child and Killian was all too aware of the missing piece of his family. 

 

Her heart clenched and a pit formed in her stomach as she reached for a towel and dried her hands. She wanted to go out there and see if he was okay, to see if he needed her, but she didn’t. He knew she was here for him, she made sure to remind him of that every chance she got, but he refused to talk, refused to open up at all. 

 

Instead, he spent every afternoon and evening out on the deck sipping on tumbler full of rum.

 

It hurt her heart to see him go through this, to see him bottle everything in. To make matters worse, he wasn’t eating or sleeping. She’d woken up numerous times to find him downstairs on the couch staring at the black screen of the television. Not to mention, he wasn’t working. He hadn’t written a single line since moving in with her. He was a shell of his former self, a man broken by the actions of the person who swore to love him until their dying days. 

 

The only time she saw pieces of the old Killian peek through was when he was with Nate. Nate had this special ability to bring out happiness in every person he encountered and his father was no exception. When he was with Nate Killian smiled, he laughed, he joked. Playing with Nate caused the pain in his eyes to lighten, the tension in his jaw to lessen. It was those moments that kept her sane. Those moments assured her that Killian was still in there, he was buried under layers of pain and betrayal, but he was still there. 

 

Her eyes narrowed as she chucked the towel onto the counter. This was all Milah’s fault. She’d never liked the woman to begin with, she’d mostly just put up with her for Killian’s sake, but now she really couldn’t stand her. Killian was in pain because of her actions and yet, he still loved her. Not that he would ever admit that, but it was obvious. It had been two months since he caught her cheating, two months since she had even laid eyes on her own son, and Killian still hadn’t filed for divorce. 

 

Next to her the monitor sparked to life. Nate’s babbling came over the speaker and drew her attention from her thoughts to the little boy upstairs. With one last glance at Killian, she turned and made her way up the stairs and into the guest bedroom her boys were sharing. Just like she expected, Nate stood in his pack and play with his little hands gripping the sides tightly. 

 

“Em! Em!” Nate’s arms waved in the air so she could pick him up.

 

Forgetting about her earlier anger at the sight of Nate’s messy hair, so much like his father’s, and his adorable pajama set covered with navy blue anchors, a smile formed and she strode forward.

 

“Did you have a nice nap, Natey Matey?” Her hands curled under his arms as she lifted him up and settled him on her right hip. “Let’s go find your Papa, I bet he missed you.”

 

Nate smiled and laid his head on her shoulder. “Pa-pa.” He nodded. 

 

She turned to walk out of the room, her thoughts returning to Killian once more. There had to be something she could do to help, something more than what she was already doing. But what? She bit her lip and bounced Nate on her hip. If she couldn’t help Killian, there was only one other person who could. Liam. 

 

Could she involve him though?

 

Liam had been here when everything had blown up, he’d been on leave for that weekend and had come home to visit his long time girlfriend Ruby, but he had to leave a week later. Since then, Killian hadn’t spoken his brother. Which was odd, Killian and Liam were as close as two brothers could possibly be. Having grown up with a father who was always traveling and a mother who passed away when they were very young, the two boys had learned to rely only on each other. Normally, Killian would want Liam’s help but, for some reason, this time he didn’t. In fact, right after Liam had left for duty, Killian had made Emma promise she would not call him.  

 

But, she was positive that Liam would be the only one able to talk some sense into his younger brother. Especially, because she had been unable to. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down. She didn’t want to betray Killian’s trust, if Liam showed up he would know immediately that it was her who called, but what else could she possibly do? It wasn’t like he was talking to Ruby or David and Mary Margaret. In fact, he hadn’t seen them at all since he’d left Milah. No, it had to be Liam and she knew that no one else would call the elder Jones. It was up to her. 

 

Thankfully, Liam was in town this weekend. 

 

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, she sat Nate on the floor and sat on the couch to pull out her phone. Killian wasn’t going to like this, but she didn’t know what else to do. 

 

It was time to call in the reinforcements. 

 

* * *

Emma’s foot shook uncontrollably in front of her causing the back of her leg to hit the cushions of the couch. Her eyes darted to the door for the millionth time in the past three minutes and she wiped her palms on her jean-covered thighs. Next to her Liam Jones sat on the couch, his eyes trained on the television in front of them, but she knew he wasn’t actually watching whatever show was playing.

 

She’d known Liam for just as long as she’d known Killian, in fact he was somewhat of a big brother to her. Which was why she recognized the look on his face. She recognized the furrowed brow, the clenched jaw, the tenseness in his posture. She’d seen it many times on her best friend and she knew that he was preparing himself for the likely standoff that was to come. 

 

She also knew because it was the same thing she was doing. 

 

Her eyes fell to the door once more and a sigh escaped. After Nate’s nap Killian decided to take the toddler to the park and spend some quality time with him, which had provided her the perfect opportunity to get in touch with Liam. As soon as the elder Jones heard about his brother’s behavior while he’d been away at sea, he’d raced right over. She bit the inside of her cheek. It wasn’t like her to go behind Killian’s back and involve Liam in his life, but she really didn’t know what else to do. Besides, if she couldn’t knock him out of his funk, then Liam could. He had to. 

 

“What time did he leave again, lass?” Liam’s voice rang through the quiet room and caused her to jump slightly. 

 

Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she clicked it on to look at the time. “Um, maybe two hours ago.”

 

Liam nodded. “He’ll likely be home any minute then. It is getting close to Nate’s dinner time.”

 

She tried to force a smile to her lips while shrugging her shoulders. Liam seemed to pick up on her nervousness and placed his hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. 

 

“All will be well, Emma. You did the right thing by calling me. He’ll be mad, I am certain of that, but you are his best mate. He loves you and he will forgive you.” He gave her a reassuring smile. 

 

“I hope so. He made me promise not to do this and here I am going against his wishes.” Her shaking hands combed through her hair. “I just… He can’t go on like this for much longer, Liam. I have to do something.”

 

“I know, lass. We’ll help him, we’ll …” His words trailed off as sound of the front door opening caused both of their heads to jerk in that direction.

 

A moment later, Killian walked through the doorway, a dozing Nate on his hip. As soon as Killian’s eyes fell to the two of them on the couch, he stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes narrowed in her direction, his fist clenching at his side, and she saw his jaw muscles flex. 

 

“Killian, I…” He held up his hand to stop her from speaking, his eyes full of hurt and betrayal, and she felt her stomach drop. This was already not going how she hoped.   

 

Completely unaware of the growing tension, Nate lifted his head off of Killian’s shoulder. His eyes twinkled, full of excitement at seeing his uncle before him. A toothy grin broke out on his face. “Li! Li! Dow!”

 

Nate kicked his little legs so his father would put him on the floor and Killian obliged immediately. As soon as Nate was on the ground, he wobbled his way over to his uncle and Liam wasted no time before picking him up and wrapping him in his arms. The sight made her heart swell. Nate was so lucky to be loved by so many. 

 

While Nate visited with his uncle, she turned her attention back to Killian. His body was rigid, his lips forming a thin line as he met her gaze. He was pissed, pissed at her for calling Liam and he had every right to be. She had promised him she would not involve his brother and, yet, she’d done it anyway. 

 

Standing up from the couch, she took a step toward him while tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. She needed to explain why Liam was here. She needed to explain that, while she had broken her promise, she’d only done it because she was worried about him. She’s done it because she cared. 

 

Taking a deep breath, she continued to press forward. “Killian…” her voice was soft as she attempted to explain. 

 

He shook his head while taking a step back to increase the distance between them and her heart clenched. He was hurt and… His eyes bore into hers, eyes full of agony and distrust, and she knew this was more than hurt. He had trusted her, trusted her to be his friend and she’d done the exact thing he didn’t want. She’d done the one thing she’d promised she would not do. 

 

“You called him.” His statement was full of accusation, full of anger, and full of disappointment. 

 

She opened her mouth to reply, to explain her actions, but no words came out. He stood in front of her waiting on an explanation and she couldn’t speak, couldn’t explain. She’d betrayed him, just like Milah had. She felt tears prick the corners of her eyes and her hand rose to wipe them vigorously. Now was not the time to be crying. 

 

Liam, with Nate secured at his waist, walked up to stand next to her. “The question, little brother, is why  _ you _ did not contact me. I think I deserve to know when my little brother needs his family.”

 

Ignoring his brother, Killian’s features hardened. His eyes, which were normally a brilliant blue, were like ice and she could see him breathing rapidly. She wanted to rush to him, to wrap him in her arms and tell him it was okay to be angry and hurt. She made another step toward him and his hand shot up once more to stop her movement. 

 

“I trusted you, Emma.” He began and when she opened her mouth to reply, he ignored her and continued. “I’ve no sodding desire to speak about the situation. Not to you, not to Liam, not to anyone.” His voice rose with every word. “If I wanted help, I would bloody well ask for it, but I don’t want it. I don’t need it.” He pointed a finger at Liam. “I’m no longer a young lad who needs his brother to fix all of his problems.”

 

“Now, Killian…” Liam interrupted as he bounced Nate, who was starting to get upset, but Killian ignored him and turned his attention to her.

 

“This is my problem, Emma, not yours and I will deal with it however I bloody well please. I don’t need Liam. I don’t need you.” He stopped, his chest heaving as he shook his head. He took a deep breath, as if he was  _ trying _ to calm himself. His gaze fell to the floor, defeated.  

 

“I don’t need anyone.” He whispered, his head shaking despondently.

 

The room was silent for a moment, the only sounds coming from Nate as Liam tried to comfort him. The urge to walk over to Nate, to pull him to her chest and comfort him, was great, but she resisted. Liam could handle the toddler. Right now, she needed to focus on Killian.

 

“Killian, I know you’re upset. If you would just let me explain...” She started, her words trailing off. 

 

Killian lifted his head, his gaze meeting her and she gasped. He looked broken, his eyes dull and lifeless. He looked nothing like the man she’d known for most of her life, nothing like her best friend. 

 

He ran his hand through his hair causing it to stand up even more. “I can’t…” His voice cracked with emotion. “I can’t …” He swallowed hard. “I can’t be here right now.” His eyes locked on hers, pleading. “Could you watch Nate,  _ please _ . I need… I need to go.”

 

She nodded quickly. Of course she would watch him, it wasn’t even a question. Without another word, Killian pivoted. Seconds later, she heard the door slam and her heart broke. She didn’t know what to do, how to proceed. She didn’t know how to make things better. 

 

She heard Nate whimper from his place on the couch with Liam and walked over to them. As soon as she was close, Nate’s arms lifted and she picked him up immediately. Her hand patted his back softly and she pressed her cheek to the top of his head. Over the last two months, she’d comforted Nate many times and it was not surprising that he would prefer her to Liam. 

 

“Pa-pa.” He whined into her skin and she kissed the top of his head gently. 

 

“I know, Natey Matey.” She swayed lightly. “He’ll be back. I promise.”

 

Liam looked up from his place on the couch. “How about I prepare us some dinner, lass? I’ll wait a bit and see if he returns.”

 

She shook her head, still swaying and patting Nate’s back. “Go be with your girl, Liam. You don’t see enough of her as it is. Besides, we both know he will be gone for awhile and it will only make it worse if you are here when he gets back.”

 

She should have never called him. It had only made things worse and now, Killian would likely never open up to her. She bit her lip, shoulders falling slightly. All tonight had done was agitate the situation even more.

 

Liam stood, his eyes uncertain. “Are you sure? I can stay and help with Nate at the very least, lass.”

 

Her eyes drifted to the boy in her arms. She’d taken care of him enough in the past two months that it was almost second nature to her now. 

 

“It’s okay. I’ve got him.” The corner of her mouth lifted slightly. “We’ll have a Natey Matey and Auntie Em evening.”

 

Liam smiled, his hand rising to ruffle Nate’s hair. “Alright, if you insist lass. Call if you need anything. I’ll be at Ruby’s, helpin her with the bar.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss into Nate’s hair. “Bye, little one. I’ll see you soon.”

 

Nate lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at his uncle. “Bwye!” 

 

She watched Liam leave before moving into the kitchen. Placing Nate in his chair, she gave him some cheerios to hold him over until she finished making his dinner. Her stomach twisted. Even though Killian rarely ate, he always made sure to join her and Nate at the table for dinner. It felt weird to prepare dinner without Killian there playing with Nate at the table and teasing her about her lack of culinary skills. It felt weird to look at the table and not see his eyes on her as he made sure she wasn’t burning the food. It felt weird to not have him  _ there.  _ Somehow, over the last two months the three of them had become a family. And now…

 

Now a piece of that family was missing and it was her fault. 

 

* * *

Pulling her flannel pant covered legs further beneath her, Emma took another sip of her beer. It was silent in the house. She’d put Nate to bed almost two hours ago after finally realizing Killian wasn’t coming home to complete the task. Nate had noticed his father’s absence immediately, asking for him as she dressed him in his pajamas and again as she placed him in his pack and play. She hadn’t known what to say, but when Nate had started to cry once more she’d wrapped him in her arms and rocked him to sleep while silently, her heart broke.

 

She lifted the bottle to her lips and took another sip, her eyes drifted over to her cell phone that showed no missed calls or texts. She shook her head and exhaled. She wanted to be mad at Killian, mad that he missed Nate’s dinner and the bedtime routine, mad that his son had fallen asleep with tears in his blue eyes, but she wasn’t. No, she was worried. She didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. She didn’t know if he was upset or angry. She didn’t know anything. Not to mention, it was her fault he was gone, her fault that he had left the house without a word as to where he was going. She should have never called Liam, she should have just approached Killian on her own. 

 

She’d known him for forever. She knew he didn’t like being cornered, she knew he needed to process things at his pace. He was very similar to her in that aspect. She took another sip. If he would just come home, she could tell him all of this. She could…

 

The sound of the door opening drew her attention and she turned her head just in time to see Killian reach the end of the hallway. Her breath caught in her throat. He was a mess. His hair stood up in every direction, his eyes were rimmed in red, his skin pale. He looked like he was barely holding it together, like he could break at any moment. Her heart clenched in her chest.

 

Suddenly, all that mattered was making sure he was okay. She stood quickly, the blanket she had on her legs falling to the floor forgotten, and rushed over to him. As soon as she was in front of him, she opened her arms to pull him into a hug only to have him take a step back. She frowned, unsure of what she should do and ran her fingers through her hair. 

 

“Where’s Nate?” He whispered the question so lightly that she barely heard it. 

 

“He’s sleeping in your room.” She tilted her head in the direction of the stairs. “Killian, are you okay?”

 

He shook his head, his sad eyes finding hers, and sighed. “I need to see Nate, Emma.”

 

Taking a step back, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay. I understand that, but after we need to talk, Killian.”

 

His eyebrows knitted, his lips forming a thin line. He ran his fingers through his hair before finally nodding his head in agreement. “Aye, when I return.”

 

He walked past her slowly, his arms limp at his sides and walked up the stairs. As soon as he disappeared around the corner, she let out a sigh of relief. He was here and he was okay, well… he was mostly okay. Her eyes closed. She’d spent that last two hours worried about him and now that he was home, she could relax a little bit.

 

Opening her eyes, she turned and walked into the kitchen. If they were going to talk, really talk, it might be nice to have something to drink while they did it. Her eyes landed on the bottle of rum resting on the countertop and she bit her bottom lip, frowning. Killian had never really been against drinking. In fact, she could remember some very fun nights back in college that involved his rum and some tequila on her part. It was just… Since leaving Milah, there was not a day that went by that Killian did not have several glasses of rum and that was not like him. She shook her head. Killian was in a bad place right now, a broken place that he was barely surviving, the last thing he needed was alcohol. Especially because he had been using it to ignore his problems lately. 

 

She turned away from the rum to open the refrigerator and grab two bottles of water. Returning to the living room she sat back on the couch and put the water on the table next to her. Reaching down, she grabbed her fallen blanket and pulled it up into her lap. The sounds of footsteps on the stairs drew her attention and she glanced in that direction to see Killian descending. 

 

“Everything okay with Nate?” She questioned when he reached the bottom of the stairs. 

 

He continued to walk toward the couch, nodding his head. “Aye. Thank you for watchin him.” His voice was tight, controlled, without a hint of emotion. 

 

She shrugged her shoulders as he sat in the chair to the left of the couch and ran his fingers through her hair once again. He was nervous, it was obvious with the amount of times he’d shifted his fingers through his hair. She sat back further into the couch, her eyes never leaving his form, and picked at the threads of her blanket. 

 

His head remained downcasted, his body tense, and she knew that he would not be the one to speak first. He’d made it perfectly clear that he had no desire to open up to her, no desire to share the things he was feeling. The only problem with that scenario was that he was keeping all of his pain bottled up as well, he was becoming a person she did not recognize. That was why she had called Liam, that was why she had broken her promise to him. 

 

But before they could even broach that subject, she needed to make sure he understood her actions. She needed to make sure he was okay, because right now… right now, he looked like he could barely handle hearing Milah’s name, let alone talk about her. Not to mention, she needed to figure out where he had been for the last several hours while she watched Nate because, while she was always happy to help out with Nate, it was not normal for Killian to leave his son for so long. 

 

“Where did you go?” She tried to keep her voice soft so he didn’t feel like he was being cornered once again. 

 

His shoulders sagged and he looked up to meet her gaze. “The docks.” His eyes narrowed. “Now, perhaps you could explain why you chose to call me brother, when I specifically asked you not to?” 

 

A gasp escaped her lips as her eyes widened. The question had not been unexpected, she figured he would ask it eventually, nor was the anger in his voice, she had betrayed his trust after all, but what was unexpected was how early into their conversation he’d asked it. She expected she would have to force him to talk, force him into this, but it seemed she was wrong. 

 

She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry I called him, but I didn’t know what else to do, Killian.”

 

He shook his head and huffed. “Well, not betraying my trust was always an option.”

 

Her eyes narrowed, her head inclining slightly to the side. “And let you continue to go on the way you have been?” She furrowed her eyebrows, a line formed in between them. “You barely eat or sleep.” Her arm shot out, pointing to the back door. “When you are not with Nate, you spend all of your time on that deck alone.” Her eyes softened, begging him to understand. “You won’t talk to me, Killian. I’m worried. Everyone is worried. I thought, maybe, Liam could help. I thought, since you wouldn’t talk to me, you would at least talk to him.”

 

His hands curled into fists at his side. “Bloody hell, Emma. How many times must I say this? I do not wish to talk about it. Not with you, and not with Liam.” He closed his eyes and then snapped them open not even a second later. “ _ Please. _ ” His voice was a murmur that begged her to understand. “I’m sorry I sprung Nate on you. Truly sorry.” He stood, his hands coming to rest in the air in front of him with his palms toward her. “Please understand, I cannot talk about this. I can’t.” 

 

She could see the tears welled in his eyes, see the way his chest heaved as he breathed quickly, the way his hands trembled in front of her, and her heart shattered. He was in so much pain, pain that he hid under layers and layers of bravado, pain that he refused to let other see. But, she could see it. She saw it now and she saw it before, she saw it and she wanted to help ease it. She wanted to help him just like he’d helped her when Neal left and when Walsh had broken her heart. He’d always been her person and now it was time for her to be his, even if it meant hurting him in the process. Because in order to start healing, he had to talk about what happened, he had to talk about why he was in so much pain, and that was not going to be easy. 

 

Setting her blanket aside, she stood and walked over to Killian. Her chest pounded nervously as she waited for him to react, but he just stood there. Her hands flew out and covered his before he had a chance to move away. Her head swayed to the side, eyes catching his gaze and she gave him a sad smile. 

 

“Don’t you see, Killian? Don’t you see how not talking about it is eating you alive? Don’t you see how not talking about it doesn’t make it disappear?” He gulped as she released one of his hands so she could cup his cheek. A single tear fell from one of his eyes and she wiped it with the pad of her thumb gently. “I know this hurts, Killian. I know that what she did is killing you a little bit more with each passing day. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you have to.”

 

He shook his head intensely, as if trying purge her words from his mind, and closed his eyes as more tears escaped. She squeezed his hand tighter, a lump forming in her throat. His forehead crinkled, his eyebrows drew together as an audible sob escaped his lips. 

 

She didn’t speak for a moment, allowing him to feel the emotions he’d kept under lock and key. Her stomach twisted as she watched tears track down his cheeks and she tried her best to wipe them with her thumb soothingly. His eyes opened and pleaded with her to stop, to let him go, but she couldn’t. He hadn’t stopped when it was her, he hadn’t stopped when she was recovering from Neal leaving her broken or when she’d lost herself to Walsh’s harsh words. He hadn’t stopped and neither would she.

 

_ “Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it is killing us to let go _ .” She whispered the words, her forehead falling to rest on his. “You told me that once, after Neal left you told me those words and they have stuck with me. You have to let go Killian. Nate deserves for his father to be whole.” His eyes widened at the mention of his son. “You deserve to be whole. Let go and I will catch you, I promise. Let go and I will be here for you like you’ve always been for me.” 

 

His arms moved, wrapping her in his embrace and she could feel the dampness on her cheeks. She wanted nothing more than for him to understand, to understand how much he cared for him, how much she loved him. He was such a huge part of her, her best friend, and she hurts when he hurts. 

 

“Okay.” He nodded, his voice cracking on the ‘y.’ “Okay.”

 

The corner of her lip curled into a small smile as she returned his nod. She had never been more relieved to hear that word and she can feel some of the tension leave her body. Her fingers moved to intertwined with his, pulling him back toward the couch where she settled into her spot. It would be better to do this someplace comfortable. He followed without question, his head somehow coming to rest in her lap and his long, grey sweat pant covered legs span the length couch. His left arm is stretched up, armpit hair just visible in the sleeve of his black tee-shirt, toward her body, so that it could intertwine with her left hand and rest on her thigh. It was a position they’d used a lot in college while studying or talking, a position that brought her great comfort and ease. 

 

Once settled, he stared at the ceiling, blinking his eyes several times to make sure the tears had ceased. His cheeks were stained with tear tracks and she tightened her hold on his hand while wiping her eyes with her right one. It had been such an emotional evening, a giant rollercoaster of tears and misery, and a part of her was not prepared for it to continue, but it must. Killian needed her and she would not let him down, Her eyes drifted down to meet Killian’s, silently telling him that she was ready for him to continue and he took a deep breath before speaking. 

 

“Bloody hell, she’s everywhere, Emma.” He murmured. “I cannot get ‘er out of my bloody head. I close me eyes and I see her. I see ‘er with Gold in our bed,  _ fucking _ in our home, my lad down the bleedin hallway.” 

 

He stopped to take a deep breath and her mouth fell open, the pit in her stomach rolling with such force it took her breath away. She knew that Killian was struggling, but she had no idea that this was why. How was he supposed to sleep, if he saw Milah’s cheating every time he closed his eyes? She squeezed his hand, a frown formed on her lips. “Oh, Killian. I cannot imagine. No wonder you are not sleeping.”

 

His features grimaced as he squeezed her hand in return. “Aye, yet that is not the worst of it. When I dream, it is as though I never existed. I see her and Gold, I see Gold with me lad in his arms, actin as Nate’s bloody father. I see Nate call that wanker papa.” A tear escaped his eyelid. 

 

Her stomach twisted and her fingers combed through his hair. What a horrible thing for Killian to see night after night. Nate was Killian’s world, anyone who knew him knew this. The thought of Killian losing Nate, even in a dream, sent tremors up her back. She didn’t even want to think about it. 

 

“How can I help? What do you need?” She muttered the question while still coming through his hair.

 

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure you can, love. It is not as though you can make a man stop dreamin. It is not as though you can make me stop lovin her.”

 

Her hand stilled in his hair, his body became taut with tension at his own words as he continued to look at her. She wished she could say she was surprised by his words, but she wasn’t. Just this morning she’d thought the exact same thing. She knew that he still loved her, the fact that they were still married was a pretty big tip off, but to hear him say it aloud… Now, that was surprising. 

 

But, if he still loved her, did that mean he wanted to fix things?

 

“Do you want to take her back?” She made sure her tone was flat as she raised an eyebrow in question.  

 

He bit his lip and diverted his gaze. “I don’t know.” The words were so soft, whispered, and full of honesty. 

 

A lump formed in her throat. His honesty shocked her. The idea that he would willingly take back someone who’d hurt him so badly was jarring, but she couldn’t judge. After all, she was currently single and the two lasting relationships she’d been a part of had blown up in her face. But… This was Killian. Killian who wanted to beat Neal into a bloody pulp when he found out he had cheated on her. It didn’t make sense. 

 

Yet, it didn’t have to. This was Killian’s life and she would support whatever decision he made.

 

She yanked on their joined hands while her free one reached over to cup his cheek and wipe it gently with her thumb, her lips formed a comforting smile. “You’ll figure it out and until you do, I’ll be right here.”

 

He pressed further into her hand, his eyes raw and full of emotion. “I don’t…” He closed his eyes, jaw clenched as he struggled to find the words, and exhaled before opening them once more. “Thank you, lass. For everything.”

 

She combed her fingers through his hair, nodding at his words. They fell into a comfortable silence, one that could only be shared between two people who were such a large part of each other lives. After several minutes, she glanced down to see Killian’s eyes closed and his breathing even. She leaned over and placed a kiss on his forehead. 

 

It had been a tiring day, likely one of the worst ones she’d had for awhile. She knew Killian was on his way healing, but he was nowhere near okay. She shifted and reached for one of the other blankets she kept near the couch, pulling it over her lap. This was the first time she’d seen him sleeping comfortably since he’d shown up on her doorstep and she wasn’t about to ruin it by forcing him upstairs. She was perfectly fine sleeping on the couch with him for one night. Glancing at the table next to her, she double checked Nate’s monitor to make sure it was on. 

  
Her eyes closed seconds later, her hand still joined with Killian’s.


	4. Chapter 4 - Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So so so so sorry this took so long to get out. The end of the school year combined with going to school myself and being a mother to twin 5 years olds on top of planning my sisters wedding ended up taking a lot more time than I anticipated. This chapter literally sat half-written in google docs for weeks before I could even get to it and even then I only had time to write a couple of lines before I fell asleep. I tell you, if I could get paid for being a fangirl I would. That being said, I am back! Chapter 5 is already 2/3 of the way written and should be up by the end of next week. I am giving myself a bit longer on that one as my sister's wedding is in three days and I know I won't get much writing done until after. My plan is to update weekly from then on.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with this story despite the long times between updates. I truly appreciate every comment, favorite, and follow. You all are why I write. Seriously.
> 
> As always, HUGE thanks to o-u-a-timer and the-lady-of-misthaven for beta'ing. You ladies are my rock and I am so thankful that you take the time out of what I know are busy schedules to look at my writing.
> 
> Okay, I think I have rattled on long enough. Enjoy the chapter and let me know what you think!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT and/or its characters.

Killian sighed while reaching up to pull yet another shirt from his closet and stuff it in his duffle bag. The house was quiet, with Emma working a bit later than normal on Fridays, and the only noise he could hear was Nate playing quietly behind him. His head fell backwards and he rolled it from side to side in an attempt to ease the tension in his shoulders. His eyes burned, likely due to lack of sleep, and he closed them tightly. He was so tired, tired of being alone, tired of the emptiness in his chest, tired of putting on a brave face, of being a single parent, tired of everything. He needed sleep, he needed a break, he needed… He needed his family to be together again, he needed Milah to remember that she had responsibilities that did not just include herself. What he didn't need was a trip to New York to meet with his publisher, but he didn't get a choice in that matter.

After all, he actually kept his word when it came to his promises.

Opening his eyes, he ran his fingers through his hair and turned from the closet. As soon as he did, Nate's face lit up happily, his pink lips curling into a grin to reveal the new top tooth that had joined the other three. His jaw clenched as he remember the sleepless nights and high fever that had came with the tooth. This one had been particularly hard on Nate and Killian had to do it all alone. The tooth's arrival had been yet another thing Milah had missed in her three-month hiatus from being a mother and wife.

His hand curled into a fist and he felt his cheeks redden with anger. It had been three months. Three bloody months and Milah hadn't even made an attempt to see Nate once, or him for that matter. It wasn't as though he hadn't attempted to contact her. No, he tried. He'd tried almost daily. He offered to bring Nate to her, offered to meet her for dinner so they could discuss their next steps, but all of his attempts had been met with silence. That is, until two nights ago when she'd finally agreed to take Nate while he went to New York for the weekend and, being the wanker that he is, Killian had agreed to allow her the chance to see her son without a second thought.

Nate's happy giggle rang through the bedroom, effectively distracting Killian from thoughts. A small smile lifted the corners of his lips as he watched his son stack the blocks Emma had purchased only for them fall to the floor once they were too high. It seemed that no matter what he was feeling, no matter what was going on in his head or his heart, Nate would always be able to bring a smile to his face.

Dropping to his knees, Killian reached out and hooked his thumbs under Nate's arms before pulling him to his chest. As Nate cuddled into his shirt, his tiny hand gripping the material tightly, Killian couldn't help but stare down at his son in wonder, his heart filling with admiration.

He'd never been more thankful that Milah's actions had occurred while Nate was so young or that Nate had been able to adapt so well to the changes surrounding the two of them. Bloody hell, it was almost as though Nate hadn't been affected at all. Killian just hoped it stayed that way, hoped that Nate continued to remain impervious to the chaos that surrounded their lives at this moment.

A quick glance at the clock sitting on the nightstand reminded Killian that he needed to get a move on if he were to have enough time to drop Nate off at Milah's before leaving for New York. Groaning, he stood quickly and settled Nate on his hip before grabbing his bag.

"Time to go, lad." He placed a soft kiss atop Nate's head and moved toward the door. "Papa has a long drive ahead and we still need to drop you off with your mum."

Nate grinned and laid his head on Killian's shoulder. "Mum?" He questioned, his eyes bright and excited.

Exiting the bedroom and making his way down the stairs, Killian trained his eyes forward, his teeth clenching involuntarily, and tried to ignore the pang in his heart at his lad's excitement over finally seeing his mother. It was an excitement he shouldn't have to feel because Milah _should_ be with them, she should be with her son, with her family.

They should've all been together, but they weren't.

Nate's tiny legs kicked back and forth, hitting Killian's hip in the process, as he continued to babble about his mother in excitement. Killian shook his head and adjusted Nate on his hip.

"Aye, lad. Mum is very excited to see you. She's missed you so much, and papa will be back in just a few very short days. It'll be like I never left." He dropped his forehead to rest on Nate's, a smile forming on his lips as Nate's hands moved to press against Killian's cheeks. "You won't even notice I am gone, little lad." His last words were whispered against Nate's skin as he squeezed his eyes shut quickly.

_Sodding hell._ Why was this so hard? It wasn't as though he was leaving for weeks or months like Liam, it was mere days, a bloody _weekend_ to be exact. There was no reason he should be nervous, no reason for his chest to be filled with dread at the thought of leaving Nate. He just wished… He wished Milah had been around more lately, wished that she'd seen Nate at some point in the last three months, wished that she'd been involved at all.

Pausing in the middle of Emma's living room, Killian ran his fingers through his hair. How did he get here, get to this place where he was second-guessing leaving his son with his mother? How the buggering fuck had _this_ become his life? He shouldn't have to think about these things, he shouldn't have to wonder if leaving Nate with Milah was a wise decision, he shouldn't have to…

Taking a deep breath, he ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth. No, he had to think about these things, had to worry about Nate's wellbeing where Milah was concerned. After all, it wasn't Killian who'd left Nate crying in his bed in order to have sex. It wasn't he who chose an affair over his own child. That had all been Milah and it seemed, given her recent behavior, that she certainly did not regret her actions.

It definitely did not help that this meeting was important for his next book. His publisher had already allowed him to push the meeting back for the past two months and it could not be pushed back any longer.

"Papa, down!" Nate's voice broke through Killian's thoughts and the lad straightened his legs to further indicate he wanted to walk. "Pweese Papa! Walk!"

Grinning, Killian loosened his grip on Nate and guided him down his legs until Nate's tiny feet were securely on the ground. As soon as his hands loosened their grip on Nate's waist, he was off and running toward the front door.

"Oi! Nate!" He grabbed their bags quickly and moved toward the toddler. "Wait for Papa, lad."

Thankfully Nate was still too small to open the solid wood door of Emma's house and was forced to wait for him in the entryway. Reaching up to pull the door open, he paused as his phone vibrating in his pocket. Rolling his eyes, he shoved his free hand into his pocket to pull his phone out.

_1 New Text Message from: Milah_

His eyes narrowed and his stomach twisted nervously as he swiped across the screen to open the contents of the message.

_Sorry for the late notice, but I won't be able to keep Nate this weekend after all. Going out of town with Robert. I'll try to take him later this month sometime._

His cheeks flushed as heat traveled through his veins. This couldn't be happening. Milah knew why he needed her to take Nate, knew how important this meeting was for his next book, knew that if he could bring Nate he would have. She knew he _needed_ her. His heart beat rapidly and he felt his breathing increase. This had to be a bloody joke. It had to be, there was no sodding way she'd... His gaze shifted between Nate, who was waiting excitedly at the door in front of him, and his phone's screen and his heart dropped. His eyes closed as anguish took over his features. It wasn't a joke, he knew it wasn't. How could it be? She'd been doing this to Nate, to him, for the past three bloody months.

_Fuck._

The bags in his hand dropped to the floor with a thud and his hand curled into a fist. Anger coursed through his body at Milah's actions, at her blatant disregard for not only him but for their son. Before he knew what he was doing, he'd dialed her number and put the phone up to his ear. It took her seconds to answer.

"Killian?" Her voice came over the line and his anger only increased.

"Do you care for him at all?" His words were spoken between clenched teeth. He was desperately trying to keep Nate from seeing his anger, from realizing that something was wrong.

"What the hell are you talking about, Killian?" He could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

"Nate." He continued, reaching out to grip Nate's hand in his own and walk him back into the living room. "Our bloody son or did you forget we had one."

"Screw you, Killian." She bit out. "I can't help that Robert decided to surprise me this weekend."

His heart twisted at the mention of Gold, his hands began to tremble as he tried desperately to hold on to the very little control he had in front of Nate. He did not want to speak his next words in front of his son. Biting the inside of his cheek as hard as he could without causing it to bleed, he cradled the phone to his ear with his shoulder and lifted Nate up to settle him on the couch. Turning the television on to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he made sure Nate was safe and settled on the couch before making his way to the kitchen. Once he was there, once he was out of the earshot of his lad, he resumed his conversation with his wife.

"Perhaps not, but you can help that you have not seen him in three damned months, Milah. He was excited to see you this weekend, not that you bloody care, but once again you are just going to disappoint him." He leaned against the countertop.

"Like you are dad of the year, Killian. For God's sake, it is one bloody weekend. I'll get him next weekend." Her voice rose with every word.

"Next weekend?!" His hand slammed on the counter. "I don't need your help next weekend, Milah. I have to be in New York _this_ weekend. It was the entire reason for me asking your help."

"So this isn't even really about me seeing Nate is it? It's about you needing to pawn him off so you can work."

"Pawn him off?" His eyes widened in shock. She couldn't be serious, couldn't be… "You've got to be kidding me. I've done nothing but take care of him since your little indiscretion." He turned so his back was to Nate and the living room. "It's been three months, where have you been Milah?" To his right, he heard a door open and close but he ignored it. "Where were you when he was up all night because of another tooth?" Frustrated tears formed in his eyes. "Where the bloody hell were you when he had nightmares and cried out, when he was sick and running a fever two weeks ago, when he started WALKING? Not here, that's for certain."

The line fell silent and he swiped at his eyes angrily. Turning back toward the living room, he wasn't surprised to see Emma, her eyes wide and concerned, sitting on the couch with Nate in her lap.

"Are you okay?" She mouthed, her hand coming up to brush Nate's hair out of his eyes.

He shook his head. He was about as far from okay as he'd ever been. Her lips formed a thin line and she jerked her head toward the steps indicating for him to finish the call upstairs and away from Nate's ears. Nodding quickly, he made his way to the steps as Milah's voice came back over the line.

"I'm sorry, Killian. I told you I was unhappy and you ignored it. I need some time, I need…"

Shutting his bedroom door behind him, his head fell back against it. "You need some time." He chuckled, rolling his eyes. "You've had three months to figure your shite out. Three months where I have been acting as a single father, but this isn't even about me."

His heart seized in his chest. Nate was all that mattered here, all that ever mattered. His publisher may be angry if he didn't make it to New York, but at the end of the day it would all work out. Nate was the one that was losing out on seeing his mother, on having a family. Nate was the one she was hurting and she didn't even bloody well care.

"He's a bloody child, Milah. He _needs_ his mother. Just, bleeding hell Milah, just come and take him. Tell that wanker the your son is more important, that your son matters." More tears fell from his eyes onto his cheeks, his hands trembled while his heart broke for his lad. "Just, for once, put Nate first. _Please._ "

His body slid down the door until he sat on the floor of his bedroom, of his and Nate's bedroom in a house that did not belong to him. His bottom lip quivered and he sucked it into his mouth, biting down until he felt a sharp pain.

"I'm sorry." Her words were callous, her voice hard and matter of fact. She wasn't sorry, she didn't care and he could hear it in her tone. Nate wasn't her priority and he hadn't been for a long time. "I can't."

His heart shattered into a million pieces as the phone disconnected. _I'm sorry._ He swung his head from side to side slowly. She wasn't sorry. It was bloody obvious that she didn't care, didn't care about him or about Nate, didn't care that she was hurting their son. She didn't bloody well care about anyone but herself. His mind couldn't comprehend the woman who he'd spoken to on the phone, the woman who placed no value on the son she birthed or the marriage that had lasted for over five years, the woman who was a stark contrast to the one he'd met in college. A sob escaped and the phone fell from his hand onto the floor. How could she, how could anyone, choose their lover over their child? Hopelessness settled in his chest. How would he explain Milah's choice to Nate, how could he… Covering his crumpling face with both hands, he wanted nothing more than to walk downstairs and pour himself a nice healthy glass of rum and down it in one go. He wanted to take Nate into his arms and never let him go, to assure him that he was surrounded by love by the people who were important in his life, by the people who mattered.

But, he did none of those things. Instead he gave himself five seconds to pull himself together, five seconds to calm his breathing and to wipe his tears away, five seconds to make himself presentable for his lad and best mate. After five seconds, he stood and made his way down the steps to find Nate resting on Emma's chest, his eyes half way closed in sleep.

"Are you okay?" Emma whispered the words as soon as his feet hit the floor. Shifting his eyes from Nate to Emma, he wasn't surprised to see her green eyes full of concern as she worried her bottom lip.

Unable to stand the weight of her gaze, he focused on the ceiling and took a deep breath. "I'm afraid not, lass." His head fell to meet her gaze and he could now see the unleashed tears in her eyes. "Not in the least."

Sitting next to Emma, he reached up and ran his thumb over Nate's cheek earning himself a grin from his lad in the process. Emma sighed and shifted, her feet curling under her, before leaning to rest her head onto his shoulder.

"I'll watch him." She whispered into the stillness of the room. "I already texted David and he gave me the weekend off. You don't have to worry about us, I've got Nate and we will be fine."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him to kiss the hair a top of her head. He didn't need to ask how she knew what the fight was about, how she knew that these meetings were important, or how she knew he needed a moment before they talked about what happened.

Somehow, Emma always knew.

* * *

The door to his hotel room slammed shut behind him and Killian slumped against it. His head fell forward, his chin hitting his chest and his eyes closed as exhaustion set in. He'd left Emma's late Friday evening, his plane finally arriving in New York sometime after midnight. It had been well after one o'clock in the morning by the time he'd fallen into his bed. And it had been much later before sleep had finally graced him with its presence.

He lifted his head, the back of it banging on the solid door. On top of the mess yesterday, today had been an equally long day. It had been a day of editors, of agents, and of publishers. All of which were hounding him to get his next book completed quickly, more quickly than he thought he'd be able to. His hand rose, fingers pushing across his eyes to pinch the bridge of his nose. How the bloody hell was he meant to write a novel when he was busy being a single parent, when he was busy taking care of his son?

How was he meant to do anything when his marriage was falling apart around him? Everything he'd built, everything he'd worked so hard for, was ending. He's had the whole flight here to think on it, the whole evening and the whole bleeding day and… Bloody hell! She hadn't seen Nate in three months. Three bloody fucking months! And now, now she…

How could he be with a woman, fix his marriage to a woman who wanted nothing to do with her child, with _their_ child. He couldn't. He...

His body slid to the floor as tears pricked the corners of his eyes. He didn't know how much more of this he could take, how much more pain his heart would be able to withstand. His head fell forward to rest in his hands. He was so close to breaking, so close collapsing completely, so close to...

His phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him out of his thoughts and he pulled it out of his pocket quickly to see Emma's smiling face as it rang with facetime request. For a moment he wanted to ignore it, to wallow in his dark thoughts, but a quick glance at the time reminded him that it was Nate's bed time and he would want to see his papa.

Taking a deep breath, Killian exhaled slowly and wiped his eyes before swiping his thumb across the screen to initiate the video call.

"Papa!" Nate's face, lips wide in a grin, filled the screen seconds later. He sat on Emma's lap, evident by her blonde locks behind him, and they looked to be camped out in her bedroom.

"Nate." He murmured, lips curling into a smile despite the pang in his heart. He wanted nothing more than to spend the next several moments with his son, to forget all that was troubling him and simply enjoy his lad's smiling face. "Did you have a good day with Auntie Em, lad?"

"Aye, Papa! Fun day!" Nate nodded enthusiastically.

"Did Auntie Em remember your bath?" His eyebrow rose in question. "We both know how forgetful she can be." He lowered his voice as if he were sharing a secret with only his boy.

"Hey!" Emma's voice could be heard over the video before her face came into view. "I'll have you know I did not forget his bath and we're perfectly fine, helicopter dad." She rolled her eyes pointedly into the device. "You've barely been gone twenty-four hours and I've yet to burn the house down. I'd say we are doing quite well. Right, Natey Matey?"

The video began to shake as Emma tickled Nate's sides. Seeing his son smile, seeing him laugh and giggle, was like a balm to the pain he'd been feeling. He felt his heart expand, lightness settling in his chest as Nate's laughter mixed with Emma's. His thumb brushed across the screen over Nate and Emma's face. The smile on his face widened. Suddenly he knew that as long as Nate and Emma were happy, as long as they were in his life, everything else would somehow fall in place.

"I can't wait to come back home." He whispered and the video stopped shaking completely. "I miss you both." The picture righted itself, this time to include both Emma and Nate's faces.

"Miss twu, papa!" Nate's head tilted to the left with another smile.

"I miss you too Killian." Her words were murmured as she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. He watched as her eyes focused on his face and softened. "You look tired, Jones."

It was the way she spoke the words, the tone she used, combined with the concern marring her features that told him she wasn't just commenting on his busy day. Emma had always been able to read him like a book, and he with her, so it did not surprise him that he would be unable to hide his troubles from her.

"Aye." He nodded his head slowly. "I am, Emma. I… I really am."

His voice shook at the end of his words and he inhaled quickly. He didn't want to lose himself in front of Nate, not in front of his lad.

"Hey." He voiced drew his eyes up to meet her gaze. "It's only one more day. Then you'll be back home with us. One more day and we can talk okay?"

His eyes closed once more, his head falling back against the door. "Aye. One more day." He swallowed, lifting his head to meet Emma's gaze.

"One more day." She gave him a small smile before turning her attention to Nate. "Alright, Natey Matey, tell Papa goodnight. It is someone's bedtime and we wouldn't want you to get off your schedule." Once again, she turned her eyes to meet his pointedly and he couldn't help the small laugh that escaped his mouth.

"Too true." He agreed, throwing a wink at the two of them. "Goodnight, little lad. Papa loves you."

Nate smacked his lips together to blow him a kiss. "Night night, Papa!" He waved, grin so large Killian could see his ever-growing set of teeth. "I lobe you!"

A wistful smile formed on his lips. "I love you too. Night, Nolan. I'll see you tomorrow, love."

She picked up Nate's smaller hand and waved both their hands. "Night, Killian. One day."

The call disconnected and the room around him darkened significantly. Standing from his place in front of the door, he switched on the light to walk into the bathroom. It was late and he had a another long day tomorrow, but at least he'd be back home tomorrow, back home with his family, back home with Emma and Nate.

Stopping in the bathroom, he turned and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Emma was right, he looked tired and run down. There were black circles under his eyes, his lids red-rimmed from crying. His skin was ashen, lifeless. He didn't even recognize himself. His hands curled around the countertop, knuckles turning white from the pressure. He couldn't continue going on this this manner, not if he wanted to be there for Nate. His eyes narrowed as he analyzed the reflection in the mirror. He needed to make some decisions regarding his marriage, regarding Milah and her actions.

Even if it killed him to do so.

* * *

The house was dark by the time he arrived home Sunday evening and he couldn't help the disappointed twist in his stomach. After a weekend away from Nate he'd been hoping to at least arrive home to see him before bed. Of bloody course his plane from New York to Maine had been delayed due to storms and he'd missed out on not only facetiming his lad, but also actually seeing him before bed.

Running his fingers through his hair, he sat his bag down in Emma's foyer while his other hand searched the wall for the light switch. Once he located it, he quickly flipped it on and made his way to the stairs. He may have missed seeing Nate before bed, but there was no bloody harm in waking him up to let him know his papa had arrived back home safely. He took the steps two at a time, excited to finally, _finally_ , be home after two long days.

Reaching the landing of the second floor, his eyes glanced over to Emma's room and his eyebrows furrowed at the sight of her open bedroom door. Normally, Emma slept with the door closed. It was a remnant of her time in the system, of not feeling entirely protected unless the room she was sleeping in was securely shut behind her. The fact the door was open had his heart skipping a beat. She must have been worried about Nate, about not hearing him if he cried, and left the door open.

Moving shiftly, he walked to her door. Without making any noise, his hand curled around the doorknob and he pulled the door closed quietly. He lingered but a moment, just long enough to ensure she had not woken up, before the corners of his lips lifted in a small smile. Knowing Emma had not woken, he turned from her door to make his way toward his own bedroom.

His door was cracked ever so slightly, but the room inside was black. Pressing his hand against the grain of the door, he pushed it open and light from the hallway trickled in and allowed him to see into the the room. His heart skipped another beat as his eyes fell on the empty pack and play in the corner of the room, the same pack and play Nate had slept in for the last three months. Panic rose in his chest and his mind raced through are the different reasons Nate would not be in his bed. Perhaps Liam had arrived in town and he'd decided to take his nephew for the evening, perhaps Milah had changed her mind and he was with her, perhaps…

His eyes widened as the fell on his bed, as they fell on the sleeping forms of his son and his best mate, as the fell on Nate and Emma. His mouth fell open as shock took over his face and his heart began to beat quickly. He'd never seen Emma sleep with a child before, not even Benjamin and he was her nephew, and Nate… Nate had always been a very cuddly lad with him, but not with anyone else. In fact, Milah often used to become vexed because Nate would refuse to be lulled to sleep by her.

And yet, here he was laying on his side, tucked securely into Emma's chest. Her head rested above his on the pillow, his dark hair stuck up in every direction the ends brushing against the underside of her chin. One of her arms wrapped gently around his much smaller form, just slightly above the blanket that covered them both. In between the two of them was Croc and Giraffie and he could see one of Nate's tiny fists wrapped around the giraffe's neck while the other, the other was tanged in Emma's blonde locks and holding onto the tresses tightly. He didn't think he'd ever seen Emma so relaxed, so at ease, in all the time he'd known her.

He shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes and he lifted his hand to brush it back. He'd been so worried about this trip to New York, so worried about leaving Nate for the weekend when things with Milah had taken a turn from bad to worse. He'd been so angry with his wife for letting down their son once again, for ignoring the very person she should be fighting for and for forgetting that she was a sodding mother. He'd also been worried about Emma, about leaving Nate with her over night while he was away and while Liam had been out on deployment.

The smile that overtook Killian's lips was small but real. It was light, and soft, content in a way he hadn't been in weeks, in _months_. The sight before him filled his chest, his very being, with happiness.

This was Emma Nolan, the same Emma Nolan who had been his best mate since they were both children, the same Emma Nolan who had been by his side through thick and thin, who had been and was his other half. He should've known not to be worried, he should have known he could trust her, should've known that she would not let anything happen to Nate.

His feet propelled his body forward until he stood next to the bed. His hand reached out, thumb brushing across the apple of Nate's cheek. He should've known that Nate was just as important to Emma as he was to him, that he was just as important to Emma as he _should have been_ to Milah.

Killian toed off his tennis shoes quickly before removing his hoodie, leaving him in the white henley and black sweatpants he'd worn on his flight. He climbed into the bed slowly in an attempt to avoid waking the other two occupants. Laying on his side, his head dipped forward and he buried his nose in Nate's dark hair and breathed in the scent of his lad, breathed in the scent of _home_. His eyes lit up as Nate's hold on Emma's hair tightened all while he pushed back into Killian's chest and allowed a sigh to escape his tiny lips.

Instinctively, Killian reached his arm out to wrap around Nate's waist and his fingers brushed against the back of Emma's hand accidently. He held his breath for a moment, hoping he hadn't woken her only to be disappointed seconds later when her eyes opened slowly.

"Hey, you're home." She whispered, conscious of the sleeping child between them.

"Aye." He nodded his head slowly, a smile on his lips. "Thank you for watching him, Emma. I truly appreciate it."

She returned his smile, her green eyes locked on his and nodded. "It was nothing." He felt her hand moving underneath his own. "I'll just go back to my…"

His hand shot out, fingers curling around her wrist before he had time to process his own actions. All he knew was he didn't want her to leave, didn't want to lose the comfort her presence brought to him. All he knew was he didn't want to be alone anymore, he was so tired of doing this all alone.

His grip on her wrist loosened, his fingers moving along the back of her hand until he was able to intertwine them. "Stay." His voice sounded desperate and he was. In the course of two days his life had taken yet another turn down a road he hadn't seen coming, down a road that he would have to travel _without_ the woman he thought he'd spend the rest of his life with and he needed his friend, he _needed_ Emma. "Please, Emma. Stay."

She didn't respond with words, but with a simple understanding in her eyes as a single tear fell onto her cheek. Laying back down, she settled their joined hand over Nate's sleeping form and closed her eyes. He watched her quietly until her breathing became even, until the tear on her cheek dried, and until her worried brows relaxed.

His gaze turned to his lad, to Nate and suddenly every one of Milah's actions flashed through his head. His heart broke just a little bit more as the familiar feeling of hopelessness, of despair, settled in his chest and he closed his eyes tightly.

He wondered, and not for the first time, if that feeling would ever truly go away.


	5. Chapter 5 - Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Can you believe it?! Another update within a week?! I don't think I can believe it myself! Life is still just as crazy. My one class ends tomorrow only for my other one to start Monday. I also was just informed that I have to go to a conference in Boston, MA in two weeks for five days for work. Plus side is a free vacation, I guess.
> 
> Hopefully I will have the next chapter up by next weekend. My intention is to update every Saturday evening from here on out.
> 
> Thanks again for all of the reviews, favorites, and follows! I am glad you all are enjoying this story (even if I am making Killian suffer).
> 
> Lastly, huge thanks to o-u-a-timer and the-lady-of-misthaven for beta'ing this chapter for me. You ladies are amazing and truly the best friends a girl could ask for!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Once Upon a Time and/or its characters.

"You're lying, Emma! There is no way David, my David, your brother David, would be sleeping on the job!" Mary Margaret's eyes were wide, her hand over her mouth as she tried to hide her disbelief.

Emma shook her head, giggling as she put her car into park and hit the button to close her garage door. It was late, just after 10:30 pm on a Saturday night, and the two of them were just getting back after a day of shopping and dinner. Normally she'd be worried about waking Nate this late, but Killian had mentioned the possibility of Milah picking him up while they ate breakfast that morning so she was a little less concerned.

Gripping the door handle, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and grinned at her friend. "Oh it was _your David_ alright. Konked right out on his desk at one o'clock in the afternoon. I should have taken pictures for blackmail."

Mary Margaret laughed, nodding her head in agreement while opening the car door to exit Emma's car. Emma followed suit, the sound of the doors shutting echoed throughout the garage a moment later.

"What did he say when you woke him up?" Mary Margaret asked as they made their way to the door leading into the house.

Emma shrugged, the corner of her mouth rose in a smirk. "Well, first he jumped clean out of his chair in shock."

"Oh, Emma. Tell me you didn't."

She grinned, her hand curling around the door handle and twisting it. "You bet I did. I creeped into the office and slammed my hands on his desk while yelling his name as loud as I could."

"Emma!" Mary Margaret whispered as her mouth fell open in shock. "You likely scared him half to death!"

"That was the point." She pushed the door open revealing her pitch black living room with rise and fall of her shoulders. "Payback for all the times he did the same to me growing up!" She laughed, her hand searching the wall for the light switch.

"Oh, Emma…" Her friend chastised from behind.

"What?!" She asked, her fingers finally finding the light switch. "He deserved it. He…" The sentence died in her throat as she flicked on the light switch and bathed her living room in light.

Her heart twisted violently in her chest as she inclined her head to the side. Killian sat on the couch in front of her, a glass full of rum in one hand and a half empty bottle on the table in front of him. Her eyebrows furrowed while her eyes filled with concern. How long had he been drinking? How long at he been drinking _alone_ and _in the dark_?

"Killian?" She questioned, Mary Margaret gasping behind her, and walked further into the room.

"Emma." A smile formed on his lips as he looked between her and Mary Margaret, but all she noticed was the way the smile didn't quite reach his eyes, the way it appeared forced. All she noticed was the way her name sounded on his tongue, the way it was just a little too controlled, just a little too flat. Gesturing to the bottle in front of him, he continued. "Care to join me for a nightcap, love?"

Her eyes narrowed as she studied Killian closely. Something was off. There was something about the way he looked, about the way he moved, that caused alarm bells to go off in her head.

"Killian? What's going…" The words died in her throat as cerulean eyes finally met her own.

Pain. Anguish. Sorrow. All of these things were swirling in his eyes and she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. He was hurting and he was trying his damndest to keep that hidden.

"Emma?" Mary Margaret whispered while placing her hand on Emma's shoulder to get her attention. "I'll see myself out." Emma nodded, her eyes never leaving Killian's form as he took a large gulp of the alcohol in his glass. "Call me tomorrow..." Her friend requested, her voice low, low enough that Killian could not hear her. "Call me, please, and let me know he's okay."

Emma didn't respond, her eyes never wavering from her best friend in front of her, and a moment later she heard the front door close as Mary Margaret left. Killian looked past her, his attention following the sound of the door closing.

"Now that we're alone…" His voice was low as his eyes found her again with a tilt of his glass in her direction. "How about that nightcap?"

Whatever this was, she knew it had to be bad. The question was, how could she approach him without making it worse? The last thing in the world she wanted to do was cause him more pain. Moving forward, she raked her mind for the right words and pulled at the ends of her tank top.

"Although…" He leaned forward, his eyebrow arching while his hand gripped the glass so tightly his knuckles turned white. "Do a bloke a favor and keep it down. I've only just gotten Nathaniel to sleep for the evening after his mother once again decided her needs were more important than her son's." He spat the words in her direction, the anger and disappointment evident in his tone.

Her hands fisted at her sides as her heart beat rapidly. Milah. She should've guessed, should've known. Why else would he be drinking in the dark, why else would he be this upset?

A frustrated sigh escaped her lips, Killian and Nate deserved so much more than this. Killian deserved a wife who loved him and Nate, Nate deserved a mother who actually wanted to be in his life. Neither of them deserved…

Unclenching her hands, she ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled in an attempt to calm herself. It wouldn't do her any good to dwell on what Killian and Nate deserved, not when it was obvious that Milah really didn't care one way or the other. No, it was better to focus on Killian right now.

Moving forward, she settled on the couch right next to Killian and watched as he downed the remaining rum in his glass before reaching for the bottle in front of him. Given his behavior over the last four months, she knew he intended on pouring himself another glass.

"Hey now." Her hand wrapped around Killian's on the neck of the bottle before he could lift it off the table. "Something tells me you've had enough rum for the night, Jones." Her words were soft, but truthful.

He shook his head, eyes blinking to the floor as the muscles in his jaw clenched. "Bloody hell, Emma. The last time I checked, you were my mate not my sodding mum. Let go of the bottle _._ " His voice was hard, angry, as he continued to avoid her gaze.

She felt her face crumple as a pit formed in her stomach. She hated seeing him like this, hated seeing him try to pretend like nothing was wrong, like he wasn't affected by what Milah was doing. Especially when she knew the whole reason he was drinking in the first place was to deal with his wife's actions.

"You know that's not going to happen, Jones." She murmured, her voice wobbly with both sadness and determination as she tugged the bottle in her direction.

"Emma." His head lifted and his eyes pleaded with her to just give in, to just this once let him numb what he was feeling.

"Killian." She shook her head from side to side softly and pulled the bottle toward her a second time. His gaze left her to stare straight ahead toward the television. After a minute, he took a deep breath, his shoulders sagging, and finally let go of the bottle before allowing his head to fall into his hands without a word.

She sat the bottle on the end table next to the couch where Killian could not reach it and turned her body back toward him. He was still hunched over, his elbows resting on his thighs, his head in his hands. She could hear every breath he took, every exhale as he tried to remain calm, as he tried to keep himself together for just a moment longer.

In all of their time as friends, as best friends, she'd only ever seen him look this broken once before and that was when his mother passed away. The fact that she was seeing him this broken, this lost, and the fact that his wife was the one responsible… It made her heart hurt and it made her angry. The thing was, she couldn't act on that anger. She couldn't, _wouldn't_ , do anything to make Killian more upset.

All she could do was comfort him, remind him that they were in this together, they had been since the moment they met, and how that of all things would never change.

Scooting over so that their legs touched, she wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed. "Hey." Her thumb traced circles gently against the fabric of his henly. "I'm here. Tell me what happened."

"If it is all the same to you, I'd rather not." He spoke into his hands, making his words sound muffled, but she could still hear how clipped his voice was.

She took a deep breath and pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. A part of her wanted to heed his request. If he wanted to talk to her, he would. In the past four months she'd made it perfectly clear that she was here if he needed her and he obviously had no desire to speak with her. So maybe it would be best if she just let it go, maybe…

Walsh. She'd been a mess after Walsh had broken up with her, she'd shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone, and it had been Killian who had brought her out of it. It had been Killian who had forced her to deal with what she was feeling and now it was her turn to do the same for him.

"Hey." She bumped his shoulder gently to get his attention. "How come you expect me to open up to you about everything, but you can't do the same for me?"

She heard him sigh, his head rose and he ran both hands through his hair. "Emma, _please_ , just leave it alone." His voice cracked, the agony he was feeling finally breaking through the mask he was trying to hide behind. "Please, just let me deal with it."

Her features hardened, her tongue clicking in her mouth. "Fine." She pulled her arm off his shoulder quickly. If he wouldn't talk to her, if he would rather bury himself in rum _again,_ then maybe he would talk to his brother. His brother who just happened to be on leave this very weekend. "Despite the fact that you would expect me to talk to _you_ if the situations were reversed, I can't force you to talk to me, Killian. What I can do, however, is phone a friend or rather… a brother."

His head jerked in her direction, his eyes blazing as he followed her train of thought. "Emma." He warned, his voice tight and full of anger once more. "I've asked you repeatedly to leave Liam out of this."

She shrugged, her features falling as her heart twisted hopelessly. "And I've asked you to open up to _me_. But you won't, you refuse, and I'm _worried_." His shoulders fell, the anger leaving his eyes to be replaced by the misery she'd seen present all night. Reaching out, she cupped his cheek with her hand. "You're my best friend, Killian, and you won't tell me what's wrong. You won't let me help. So if I need to call Liam, if I need to bring your brother in despite your wishes, I will, I've done it before." Her thumb brushed against the stubble on his cheek. "I'll do whatever it takes to ease your pain, even if it means pissing you off in the process."

He pressed his face further into her palm, his nose pushing into the side of her hand gently. She watched as he struggled with what to do, watched as every emotion he was feeling played out on his face, watched as the tears formed in his eyes, and watched as they finally fell. She watched and she waited for him to decide.

"Bloody hell." His voice was ragged when he finally spoke a moment later, ragged and heavy with emotion. "It's been four weeks since New York..." He paused as fresh tears fell on his cheeks, paused as the words died in his throat. "Four weeks and she still has not made a single attempt to see him. She still hasn't made a single attempt to see us." His eyes closed tightly as pain overtook his features. "What kind of person just decides one day that she no longer wishes to share her life with you?" His eyes opened, eyes full of torment, as he whispered his next question. "What kind of mother does not wish to see their child, Emma?"

Her heart twisted painfully. She wanted nothing more than to be able to explain Milah's actions to Killian, but she couldn't…. She couldn't because she didn't understand them herself. Tears welled in her eyes and they fell onto her cheeks. She would never understand how a mother, or father, could leave their child. She could never understand why Milah was doing it to Nate, just as she would never understand why her real parents had done it to her.

"I wish I had an answer for you, I really do, Killian, but I don't." She bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from crying harder. "I just... don't."

"Aye, lass, I know." He sounded defeated, like the fight had left him and he'd just given up. "Perhaps I was just hoping..." He sighed, his words trailing off as his head fell forward into his hands. "It does not matter what I hoped for." His head turned to catch her eyes. "Milah's made her choice, as evidenced by her actions. She made her choice and it did not include Nate or meself. It did not include our family."

"Killian…" She murmured, her stomach twisting as her heart broke. Reaching out, she brushed a tear from his cheek. "You don't know that. Maybe she just needs more time. Maybe…"

"I filed for divorce today, Emma." He whispered softly to interrupt her as he shook his head.

Her eyes widened, her mouth falling open. Blinking several times, she tried to find a way to articulate her surprise. "Wha… you… _why_?"

Breaking down, a sob escaped his mouth as tears spilled over his lids. "I can't...I can't be with someone who cares so little for her own child, Emma, even if I lo-" He took a deep breath as he choked on the words. "Even if I love her still."

Reaching out, she intertwined their hands as her eyes raked up and down his form. He looked broken. His eyes were bloodshot and rimmed in red as tears spilled over the lids, his cheeks flushed and raw, but it was his eyes that had her gasping. The same eyes that she'd looked into millions of times were dead and lifeless. They were full of nothing but despair and heartache.

They said eyes were the windows to the soul and if that were true, then Killian had been suffering far more than he'd ever let on these past weeks. In fact, he was barely holding himself together.

Letting go of his hands, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her chest. As soon as his head found the crook of her neck, she felt his body begin to tremble once again. Her stomach twisted as her heart shattered into a million pieces for her best friend, for the pain he was going through, and for the loss he had yet to really experience.

"I'm sorry, Killian." She whispered the words right next to his ear, her hand running down the back of his head. "I'm so so sorry."

"What am I going to do, Emma?" He questioned into her shoulders. "How do I let go of her? How do I let go of us?"

Her gaze shifted to the ceiling as he bottom lip quivered. She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to calm him, didn't know how to keep him from breaking even more. So she did the only thing she could do.

Tightening the arms around his shoulders, she let Killian cry. She let him have a moment to be weak, to be human. She let him grieve for what he was losing, for what Nate was losing, and she reminded him that she would always be there.

She reminded him that he was not alone.

* * *

 

Emma shifted from one foot to the other, her hands pressed into the pockets of her red leather jacket as she waited for Ruby or Liam to answer the door. Yawning, she rotated her neck in an attempt to stretch out the muscles there.

It had been one of those Mondays, the kind that seemed to never end. She wanted nothing more than to get home and curl up on her couch, nothing more than to turn on Netflix and binge watch some mindless television, but Killian had texted her panicking.

The conference call with his editor and agent had run over which meant he wouldn't be able to get Nate from Liam and Ruby in time for them to open the bar for the evening and he needed her to pick him up. Thankfully, they'd installed a car seat for Nate into the bug after Killian's trip to New York four weeks ago.

So, after a brief walk to Ruby and Liam's apartment as it was just down the street from the station, here she was.

Not that she minded, because she didn't in the least. Killian was her best friend and she would be there for him no matter what. Especially right now. Right now, Killian needed her more than ever.

The door in front of her opened, revealing Liam Jones with Nate perched on his hip and her lips curled into a grin at the sight. It was funny, Nate looked almost identical to Killian but when placed next to Liam she could definitely see the resemblance there as well.

"Autie Em!" Nate's voice was high pitched as he kicked his legs to indicate he wished to be put down.

"Hey, Emma! Just received Killian's text about you picking up Nate. Ruby said to tell you 'ello as well. She just jumped into the shower." Liam stated as he placed Nate on the floor.

She nodded quickly before crouching down. "Natey Matey!" She opened her arms wide as Nate made his way toward her. "Oh how I've missed my favorite little man! Did you have a good day?"

Nate nodded, his eyes alight with happiness as he walked into her arms. "Pay wit unca Lwam!"

She smiled, her arms wrapping around his tiny frame. "You played with Uncle Liam? Now that does sound like a great day!"

As soon as Nate was secure in her arms, she stood back up with him on her hip. His head found its preferred spot atop her shoulder as his little hand rested on her chest over her heart.

Liam grinned, his hand rose up and he brushed the hair out of Nate's eyes. "Uncle Liam had a great day as well, lad." His gaze met hers. "And how was your day, Emma? Did you catch all of the criminals Storybrooke has to offer?" He shot a teasing wink in her direction.

She rolled her eyes with a shake of her head. "I'll have you know, Liam Jones, that while it may seem like a quiet, sleepy little town, Storybrooke actually offers its fair share of crime. Or, at least…" Her eyes twinkled with laughter. "That is what one would think with the amount of paperwork I am required to do, which, in case you were wondering, is what I spent my day doing."

Liam chuckled, his head falling forward with a shake as he ran his fingers through his curly locks. "Emma Nolan, you are something else."

"And you're surprised by this, Liam?" Nate slipped down her side and she readjusted him on her hip. "I've been best friends with your brother since I was six."

Liam's eyes grew serious, a hand rose to scratch his neck behind his ear. It was a tick he shared with his brother, one that meant he was nervous about something and she had a feeling she knew what it was.

His hand dropped back to his side. "How…"

"He's hanging in there." She interrupted, her head inclining toward Nate. She didn't want him to know they were discussing his father. "Some days are better than others."

Liam closed his eyes with a nod and took a deep breath. "You'll let me know if there is anything I can do? We both know he won't. He does get that pride honestly, after all."

For a fraction of a second she felt guilty. She knew Liam was worried and he had every right to be. Killian was his brother, his only remaining family. The fact of the matter was that Killian wasn't doing well, everyday had been a bad day lately, but at least Killian was talking to her. As long as he continued to do that, she would let Killian handle it in his own way. Even if it meant keeping Liam Jones in the dark.

"Definitely." She agreed with a nod of her head.

"Thank you, lass." He murmured. "I know I'm deployed to the ship often and it is comforting to know that he at least has you."

"And, he always will." She promised and she knew she meant it. Killian and her were a team, they always had been and they always would be. "Well…" She smiled in Liam's direction. "I better get going. It is almost Natey Matey's dinner time."

Liam straightened up, a huge smile forming on his lips. "Aye, that it is! I'll see you soon Nate! Unca Liam and Ruby love you!"

Nate giggled, his hands clapping next to Emma's ear. "Lobe yew too!"

"See you later, Liam." She added after Nate. "Tell Ruby I said hello and I'll call her tomorrow."

"Will do, Emma." He reached toward the floor of the apartment and pulled out Nate's diaper bag, handing it to her. "Thanks again."

She settled the bag on her free shoulder. "No problem."

As Liam closed the door to the apartment, she turned and made her way toward the building's exit. A moment later, her and Nate were walking on the sidewalk back to toward the station where the bug awaited to take them home.

It was a beautiful day, the sun shining and the temperature just perfect. She almost wished she'd walked to work so her and Nate could walk back to the house and enjoy the weather. Although, if she could get to the bug quickly then they should have time to allow Nate to play in the back yard for a bit before bed time. Maybe they could catch some lightning bugs since they were finally starting to come out. Maybe…

"Mum. Mum!" Nate's excited voice interrupted her.

Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she turned her attention from Nate. Her head twisted to take in the area in front of her and her eyes fell on Milah Jones walking down the other side of the sidewalk, her arm strung through the arm of Robert Gold. Her heart increased to a rapid pace. This was not how she expected to see Milah for the first time since her breakup with Killian. Truthfully, she would have preferred never to see Milah again.

"Down! Autie Em! Down! Mum!" Nate kicked his legs to try to free himself, but she held on tight. She didn't know how Killian would react to Milah seeing Nate, especially after how many times she'd blown Nate off.

"Nate, Nate!" Her voice was stern as she tried to get the toddler's attention. "No walking, Nate. I'll take you to your mum so you can say hi, okay?"

Nate nodded his head enthusiastically, his smile causing his cheeks to chunk more. "O tay!"

Emma took a deep breath and squared her chin. Milah and her hadn't exactly gotten along on most days. Actually, she pretty much only dealt with her because she was Killian's wife. But, she could set aside her feelings for the woman for the sake of Nate. She would pretty much do anything for Nate and Killian.

Sighing, she hoisted Nate up higher and took a step toward the couple who apparently had yet to notice them.

"Milah." She spoke as soon as they were close enough. "You have someone here who wishes to see you."

Milah turned quickly, her features full of annoyance at being bothered. "Wha…" She stopped speaking once she finally realized that it was Emma and Nate standing in front of her. "Emma! Nate! How lovely to see you!"

Emma rolled her eyes at the fake smile on Milah's lips. It was obvious the woman was not excited to see either of them. In fact, considering the way Milah was looking at the two of them, it was more like they were an annoyance she wanted to get rid of as soon as possible.

"Hi mum!" Nate grinned, his cheeks reddening from being shy as he raised his hand to wave.

Emma's heart melted. Nate was such a great toddler, so loving and so caring. Even now, he was excited to see a mother who hadn't seen him in four months.

Milah leaned down, her hands resting on the fabric of her dress on her thighs. "Hi Nathaniel. Have you met mum's new friend?" Standing back up, Milah wrapped her hand around Gold's arm and pulled him in her direction. "This is Robert, Nate. He is mommy's new boyfriend."

Nate's eyes went wide as he turned his body into Emma's and hid his face in her neck. Her hand rose to his back quickly and she gently rubbed small circles into it.

"Sorry." Emma shrugged in Gold's direction, while still shielding Nate. "He doesn't do well with new people who are not family."

Gold's eyes narrowed in her direction. "Well he seems to have taken to you quite well, lassie."

A sick feeling settled over Emma as Gold spoke. She'd never met someone who immediately creeped her out the way Gold did. Not that she would let him know that. Blinking, she opened her eyes on Gold and narrowed them. Her features were schooled, sometimes it really helped to be involved in law enforcement.

"Oh me?" She questioned, a smirk on her lips. "I've been involved in Nate's life since the moment he was born." She patted Nate's back and rested her head on his. "I think it is very safe to say that I am a part of Nate's family."

Milah's lips were pulled into a tight smile. "Robert, sweetie, this is Killian's best friend, Emma Nolan."

Gold clicked his tongue. "Ah yes. Emma Nolan, the adopted sister to our sheriff David. Pleasure to meet you."

"Just sister." She spoke through gritted teeth and clenched her free hand at her side.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Not that it is any of your business, but David just refers to me as his sister. He's been my brother since I was six." She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from saying more.

"Well isn't that just lovely." His lips turned up in a sneer. "A happy ending. Who knew a little orphan girl could get one of those."

She felt the blood rushing through her body as her heart rate increased, her cheeks flushed, and she wanted nothing more than to punch Gold in his too big nose. "Look, I don't know…"

"Autie Em?" Nate's head popped up from her shoulder drawing her attention.

She took a deep breath to calm herself before smiling and tilting her head so she could see Nate's face. "What's up, Natey Matey?"

Nate yawned while rubbing his stomach. "I hungy."

She smiled, bright and wide, before kissing atop of Nate's head. "Alright little man, let's get you home and get something in that belly!" She turned, her eyes landing on Milah and Gold. "As you can see, I need to get him home to eat. I wish I could say it's been fun, but well… it hasn't."

Without waiting on a response, Emma turned away from Milah and Gold to make her way back to the station. She'd made it two steps before Milah's voice rung out from behind her.

"That's right, go running back to Killian like he always does to you. You have always been his savior, after all." Tilting her head toward Nate, she continued. "Enjoy taking care of my son, Emma."

Emma stopped walking. Disbelief flooded her body and she laughed. Really? The comments about her and Killian she could ignore, but Nate? Of all the things Milah could have said…Pivoting, she adjusted Nate on her hip moved closer to the couple.

"You are right. I do enjoy taking care of your son. I enjoy waking up to his smiling face every morning. I enjoyed watching him learn to walk and watching his tooth come in. I enjoy cuddling on the couch with him at night." She smirked, leaning in closer. "But most of all, I enjoy when I put him to bed. When he is so tired that he only wants me to tuck him in and not his papa. I mean, someone has to enjoy it while you are too busy sleeping with men who are not your husband."

Milah's mouth fell open in shock, her hand rising to cover it. Gold, his eyes narrow and angry, stepped up behind her and placed a hand on the small of Milah's back. "Well…" Milah started, her eyes full of rage. "Perhaps if Killian…"

"No." Emma shook her head, interrupting. "Killian has done nothing but be there for your son. This has nothing to do with Killian." She leaned in closer so that their faces were centimeters apart. "Besides, even if Killian had, the last time I checked _you_ were his mother." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "So put your big girl pants on and start acting like you actually care about him." Pulling back, Emma brushed her hand over Nate's back gently. "Or don't. But just know that you are the one losing out. Not anyone else."

Leaving Milah speechless Emma walked backwards away from the couple. Nudging Nate with her shoulder, she smiled at him and turned him toward his mother.

"Say bye to mum, Nate!" She requested, a smirk present on her lips.

Nate waved once again. "Bye bye, Mum! Lobe you!"

Milah's hand came up slowly, but she said nothing. She stood there, Gold right behind her, shock evident on all of her features. Paying her no mind, Emma tightened her grip on Nate and turned around to walk normally.

"Come on, Natey Matey. I am feeling like spaghetti for dinner. What do you think?" She reached up to tickle his stomach.

"Aye! S'ghetti! S'ghetti!" He grabbed her fingers to try to get her to stop tickling him.

Her stomach twisted slightly as she realized that she needed to talk to Killian about what had just happened. More than likely, he wasn't going to be happy with her. He'd likely yell at her about getting involved in his issues, but she didn't care. She was tired of Milah getting away with her actions, tired of Nate getting the short end of the stick, and she was tired of Killian hurting. It was time someone called Milah out on her crap and she was more than willing to step up to the plate.

Sighing, she ran her fingers through her hair. Her eyes caught sight of the bug in the parking lot at the station ahead of them. The talk could wait until after dinner though, maybe after Nate went to bed actually. Until then, she was going to hang out with Nate and shower him with as much love as she could.

* * *

 

Settling further into her couch, Emma tucked her feet beneath her and exhaled slowly. She was supposed to be picking out something to watch, but she was tired. No, tired really didn't begin to describe what she was feeling. She and Nate arrived home to find dinner ready and on the table, a thank you from Killian for picking up Nate on such short notice. Ironically, Killian had chosen to make spaghetti for them, so Nate was beyond happy. After dinner, the three of them had escaped to the back yard and spent the evening catching lightning bugs and playing the toddler version of tag. Overall, it had been a perfect evening.

Sucking her bottom lip into her mouth, she worried on it and glanced around the empty room. Killian was upstairs with Nate, likely reading him his nightly bedtime story in preparation for bed, which meant she only had several more minutes to decide if she should bring up her meeting with Milah. Earlier, she'd been positive she was going to tell him, she'd been positive that he needed to know what Milah had said and how she'd reacted to Nate. Now, though... Emma sighed, her fingers combing through her locks quickly before she pulled them into a ponytail at the crown of her head.

The problem was… Killian had been happy this evening. He'd been the happiest she'd seen him since he had shown up on her doorstep four months ago. He'd spent his evening chasing her and Nate around the yard, spent the evening laughing and smiling, and for a moment she could see bits of the old Killian shining through. She could see the man that had been her best friend since she was six. Sure, there was still sadness in his eyes. Several times she'd caught him staring off into the yard, staring at something that wasn't there, a frown present on his lips.

Several times she had caught him staring at her, staring at _her_ with a quizzical look on his face before shifting his eyes to Nate and and clenching his jaw. It was in those moments that she would just smile, smile and ask him if he was okay, if he needed anything. His answer was always a simple look, one that meant he wasn't ready to say what he was feeling.

Her eyes shifted to the steps, her fingers picked at the arm of her couch. She wasn't dumb. She knew that one night at home with Nate and her wasn't going to suddenly fix his broken heart, but was it too much to hope that tonight had been a step in the right direction? That if, somehow, she could make sure his nights were always like this, always full of Nate's laughter and her teasing, that he would eventually be okay. That he would eventually heal?

Releasing her lip, she reached over the arm of the couch and brought her ice water to her lips before tilting her head and allowing the cold liquid to flow down her throat. There was a very real possibility that if she brought up what happened with Milah, if she told Killian what happened, that the happiness present in him tonight would disappear and she wanted nothing more than to avoid that. She wanted nothing more than to give Killian one good night, just one.

Condensation dripped down her glass to land on her legs, her eyes moved to focus on the spots in her leggings as her eyebrows furrowed in thought. Maybe, she could just wait until tomorrow to tell him, maybe…

"Had I known it would take this much thinking to pick something, Nolan, I would have made the selection meself." Killian's voice came out of nowhere causing her to jump and spill water over her legs.

Her startled eyes met his as she swung her head toward him quickly. The moment their gazes locked, Killian stopped his progression forward and stood on the carpet in front of the steps. His hand never even dropped from the bannister.

"Killian." She spoke, her voice just a little too high and nervous, after a moment. Her hand came to rest over her heart. "You scared me."

An eyebrow rose into a perfect arch as his head tilted to the left. "My apologies, lass." His tongue ran over his bottom lip. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

Waving her hand in the air quickly, she shook her head frantically. "No! No, it is not your fault! I was lost in my head for a bit." She patted the space on the couch next to her. "Let's just pick a something together."

His eyes studied her form for just a moment, narrowing to take her in completely, before he shrugged and began to walk toward the couch. A moment later, he sunk into the cushion and pulled his legs up to rest on the table in front of them.

Shooting her a smile, he pointed to the television across the living room. "Any preferences tonight? We've not watched the new season of _Daredevil_ as of yet."

The remote shook in her hand as her eyes darted from him, from his smile, his relaxed form, to the television. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't ruin this night for him, couldn't take this tiny bit of happiness away. She just couldn't do it. Besides, what difference did it make if she told him tonight or tomorrow?

Throwing the remote in his lap, she smiled widely and shifted so their shoulders touched. "You pick, Jones. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy."

A moment later, the sounds of _Daredevil_ filled the room as Killian's selection began to play. It was a good show, one that she never would have watched had it not been for him, but about twenty minutes into the episode, she felt her lids getting heavy.

Shifting her legs to the other side of her, she leaned further against Killian and lay her head on his shoulder. Seconds later, his arm reached over and settled against her back, his thumb ran lines against the skin of her forearm causing goosebumps.

It was a position they'd found themselves in often enough, one that spoke of the familiarity between them, of the twenty-two year friendship they had, and of the comfort they took in one another. Killian's arms were the one place where she always knew she would be safe. They were the one place she could just be Emma Nolan without any expectations, the one place where the memories of being Emma Swan were not harsh and _real_.

And, she knew it was the same for Killian. Being next to her, having his arms around her was the place where he felt grounded. It was the place where the death of his mother hurt less and where the abandonment of his father didn't effect him.

Her eyes fell closed gently. She wasn't sleeping, not quite, but she was simply relaxing. She was enjoying the company of her best friend and the benefits of what that company allowed. Since the day they'd met on the playground, her and Killian had always been able to put the other at ease. It was something both of their brother's talked about, something both of their brother's were just a bit jealous of.

Killian's phone rang from inside the pocket of his sweatpants and he shifted slightly, attempting not to jar her she was sure, to pull it out. Opening her eyes, she watched as his eyes scanned across the message on the screen, his jaw clenching in the process.

Bracing her hands on the couch, she pulled her body up from where it leaned against his. Criss-crossing her legs beneath the blanket, she clasped her hands together and let them rest in her lap as she waited. His head turned toward her, the scowl she was so used to seeing back on his face, and he let his phone drop to rest in his lap.

"Why didn't you tell me you had an encounter with Milah while you had Nate?" His jaw clenched, the muscle tensing several times, as his eyes bore into hers.

She swallowed, her heart seizing in her chest. _Fuck_. She should have just told him earlier, should've just told him and not try to keep it a secret. It would have avoided all of this, that was for sure.

She twisted her hands in her lap. "Kilian, I…"

He leaned forward, his elbows digging into his thighs as his head fell to the cradle formed by his hands. It was the exact same position she found him him when he was overwhelmed, when he was pissed, or when he was upset.

Her hand reached out. Her fingers stretched, the tips itching to come in contact with the fabric of his grey shirt only for him to flinch away once they did. She pulled her hand back like she'd been electrocuted, like his flich had physically hurt her.

"Killian…" She stayed still, her eyes locked on his form. "I wanted to tell you. But today… you've been so happy today, Killian. I just…" Her head fell forward, her chin resting against her chest. "I didn't want to ruin that." She finished in a whisper.

Her head jerked toward her. "So you thought it best to lie to me?" He ran his fingers through his hair causing it to stick up in various directions. "I've had my share of bloody lies told to me of late. Never thought my best mate would contribute to that." His eyes narrowed, anger and disappointment echoing within.

She gasped, her stomach twisting. "No! Killian you have to understand. I wasn't going to keep this from you. I was going to tell you tomorrow morning." She paused, trying to control her breathing. "I _promise._ "

He closed his eyes tightly, his hands clenching into fists beside his head. He took a deep breath and exhaled while she waited with baited breath.

"You promise you intended to tell me in the morning?" He finally spoke, his voice hard.

She nodded her head quickly. " I promise. I would never keep this from you. I just wanted to give you a good day after so many bad ones."

He ran his hand down his face before pulling gently on the scruff present on his chin. "I understand that Emma, but it was not your place. Nor is it your place to talk to my wife about our child."

She reached out, her fingers wrapping around his wrist and she pulled his hand away from his face. Scooting closer, she wove their fingers together between them. "I know, but you really cannot expect to just sit idly by while her and Gold insult you and me. Not to mention, the way she spoke to and the way she treated Nate."

Killian groaned, his head falling back to rest on his shoulders. "What did she say to Nate? He seemed okay when you arrived home."

Emma squeezed his hand. "It wasn't so much what she said, it was just that…"

Her teeth clenched as she trailed off. Her eyes met Killian's as he waited for her to answer. The despair was back in his eyes, the despair and the anguish. This was what she'd wished to avoid. She was so tired of seeing him like this, of seeing him _broken_ because of Milah's actions. She was tired of him hurting, of him having to be a single father, of him trying to be strong because his wife was a bitch who cared more for herself than her family, than her child.

She shook her head, trying desperately to articulate what she was feeling.

Yanking on their joined hands, Killian forced her to his side and kissed the hair atop her head. "It's okay, love. I can handle it."

She pressed her face into his neck, her nose brushing along the neck of his shirt. "But you shouldn't have too!" She whined.

He shrugged, like he knew what she was saying, like he agreed, and pulled her face up to meet his gaze with a finger under her chin. "Doesn't matter if I shouldn't have to or not. It's happening and I am required deal with it."

Huffing, Emma rolled her eyes. "Fine." She took a deep breath knowing that if she stopped she wouldn't get through the whole thing. "She wouldn't even talk to Nate. All she was concerned about was introducing Gold to him. As soon as she realized Gold scared him, she barely talked to him. THEN, she made a comment about how I should just run home to you, since you do the same to me, that I am your savior, and that I should enjoy taking care of Nate."

Her chest heaved, anger flowed through her as she thought about the confrontation again. It was complete and utter bullshit that a mother would dismiss her child like that, that a mother would make comments about the people who were actually caring for the child while she was doing god knows what. It was…

Killian squeezed their joined hands and her eyes fell to meet his once more. His lips were in a thin line, his free hand clenched on his other side, and his posture rigid. Suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and pull him in for a huge. So she did.

At first he resisted, waving her off with a twirl of his hand and a shake of his head, but she was persistent.

Quickly, her arms wrapped around his back and pulled him toward her. Finally giving in his arms wrapped around her waist, his head tilting to fit perfectly in the space between her neck and shoulder, and a moment later she felt his body relax. One of her hands stayed clasped in his, while the other rubbed light circles into his back.

"It'll be fine Killian." She whispered into his hair. "Don't let her ruin the good day we've had, the good day you and Nate had."

He pulled back, eyebrows bunched in confusion. "I just wish I could understand the cause of all of this."

"I know and maybe you will someday." She brushed the hair off his forehead and out of his eyes. "Or maybe you won't. Just focus on what you and Nate need to be happy and the rest will fall into place." Her hands cupped his cheeks, thumb brushing through his scruff. "I will be here for as long as you need me and even after that, you can't get rid of me Jones."

The small giggle that left his lips was music to her ears, it was the perfect ending to a pretty perfect day.

"Now…" She smiled and shifted back into her spot on the couch. "What do you say to finishing that episode?"

He smiled, a small thing that was barely a lift of the corners and positioned his body next to her. "Sounds bloody marvelous, lass." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him once more while his eyes never left the screen in front of him.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and focused on the show. Five minutes later, Kilian tugged on her hair to get her attention and she tilted her head up to see what he wanted.

"Milah was right about one thing, lass." His words were soft, whispered, and full of honesty.

"Oh yeah?" She questioned with a teasing smile. "What's that?"

His head fell toward her, his forehead coming to rest against her own and he closed his eyes. "You are my savior, Emma Nolan. You've been since the day we met."

Her heart skipped a beat. Warmth settling in her chest, she felt the sudden urge to press herself further into him and the comfort he represented. She felt the sudden pull to…

Ignoring her sleep deprived brain, she smiled and hugged Killian tighter. "And you, Killian Jones, are mine."

She felt him smile as his hands ran the length of her back. "Always. That will never change, Nolan. Ever."

"Ditto, Jones. Ditto." Pulling away, she pressed a light kiss to his forehead and waited for Killian to settle back in. Once he did, she resumed her position from before.

With her head on his shoulder and _Daredevil_ fighting bad guys in the background, all she could think about was how she would always be Killian's savior when he needed her to be one.

Because, that was what friends did for one another.


	6. Chapter 6 - Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the long wait on this one. Work dropped a last minute conference that was three states away on me which ate up a good majority of my time. Good news: we should be back on the weekly update schedule at this point.
> 
> Fair warning, this chapter is pretty angsty. Poor Killian is going through a lot and he is definitely struggling emotionally.
> 
> Thank you for all of the kudos and reviews! They never fail to make me smile!
> 
> Thank you again to the-lady-of-misthaven and o-u-a-timer for the beta duties. Without those girls, this fic wouldn't happen. Now, onto the chapter!

His body jerked as he woke, his eyes opening quickly as his arm reached across the expanse of the bed for… for someone who was no longer there, who hadn't been there in months. Taking a deep breath, Killian pulled his arm back to his body and lifted it before running it slowly down his face. The dream, _nightmare,_ still lingered in the corners of his mind, lingered as it had since that very first morning five bloody months ago.

He should be used to it by now, used to waking up with the image of Gold holding Nate as if he were his own, used to seeing his son calling that man his papa. He should be used to it, but he wasn't. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times his head reminded his heart that the image in his mind would never occur, his heart could not let it go.

Signing, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Faintly, he heard Nate's voice below him and he knew Emma had succeeded in sneaking into his room as she did every morning. It had become sort of a morning tradition, Emma sneaking into his room and stealing Nate for breakfast so he could rest. He knew she did it because she was worried about him, about how tired he'd been as of late. It was bloody obvious with the way her eyes, eyes so full of concern, followed his every move throughout their time together.

He wished there was a way to settle her concerns. He couldn't though, because the truth of the matter was that he _was_ exhausted. Between acting as a single father and the increasing deadlines for his new book, the stress of the divorce and his lack of restful sleep… it was a wonder he was able to function at all.

Breathing deeply, he threw his arm back beside him over the comforter in frustration. Was it too much to ask for one night? One sodding night where the images were not there to haunt him, where his dreams were not filled with Milah and Gold and their _fucking_ happiness, one night where he was permitted to rest.

He just wanted to have one night where he could forget that his wife had slept with another man, where he could forget that Nate hadn't seen his mother in five fucking months, and where he could remember what it was like to be happy, to be really _truly_ happy.

Shaking his head, he combed his fingers through his hair before clenching his teeth. He needed to get up, needed to bury his grief and be the father his lad needed him to be. It had been five months, a month since he'd given into logic and filed for divorce, and it wasn't going to magically get any easier. It wasn't…

The sound of his phone vibrating on the nightstand next to the bed pulled him from his thoughts. His head twisted in the direction of the sound as he debated whether or not he should answer. Vexed as he was, he was in no state of mind to deal with his editor or his agent. The sound ended quickly however, signifying a text rather than a call and, before he even realized what he was doing, his arm reached out and his fingers circled around the device.

Lifting the phone over his face, his thumb brushed the button lighting the screen. His eyes squinted, head pushed deeper into the pillow to avoid the intrusive glare of the phone. After a moment his eyes had adjusted enough so that he was able to read the single notification listed.

_One New Message: Milah_

His lips pulled tight into a frown as his chest tightened and his gut twisted. A part of him wanted to ignore the message, to ignore whatever she had to say to him at this moment. It would only be fair, after all. In the five months since they'd separated she'd only ever contacted him to cancel her plans with Nate, plans that he'd called her to arrange in the first place. Not once had she contacted him to discuss the condition of their marriage, to discuss her actions, or what their next steps should be. He should ignore her now, ignore her like she'd been ignoring Nate, ignoring him. And, yet…

He took a deep, shuddering breath as a pang ripped through his chest. Bloody hell, this was Milah. It was the woman he'd spent ten years with, three of those as husband and wife. It was the woman who gave him Nate, who encouraged him to follow his dream and become an author. His eyes closed, tears escaping the corners, as his thumb pressed gently on the screen and swiped. Exhaling, he forced his lids open. This was the woman that, despite the events of the last five months, a part of him still loved. His gaze landed on the words as he began to read.

_Killian. I know I am likely the last person you wish to speak to, but over the last month I've thought quite a bit about the things Emma said to me and the things I have done. I'd like to sit down and talk. If you are willing._

His eyes narrowed as his grip on the phone increased. Confusion overtook his features as he averted his eyes to the ceiling. She wanted to talk. Finally, after all this time, she wanted to talk. The question was… did he? Would talking to her change the course of what was to come or would it just hurt him more. Would seeing her in their house, the house that they'd purchased together, the house that she'd spent the last several months living in with Gold, be too much to bear? He was already so bloody close to breaking. He was barely holding it together for Nate and Emma's sake as it was…

His eyes fell as he focused on the words of her message once more. He should tell her no. Whatever she had to say to him didn't matter anymore. It wouldn't fix him, wouldn't fix _them_. Nothing would. Nate's laughter echoed through the house once more and he was reminded of another morning. A morning not too terribly long ago in another house, a house that used to be a home, where his wife made pancakes while he bounced their child on his hip and tickled his stomach. He was reminded of a morning full of laughter and _love_.

Shaking his head, his heart twisted violently as he realized that while he wanted to decline Milah's request, he couldn't. He still loved her and he needed to know what happened to them, needed to know what had changed, he needed to know _why._

Quickly, before he could change his mind, he typed his reply.

_**Meet me at the house. Alone. In an hour.** _

Without waiting on a response, he threw the phone on the bed next to him. Pushing the comforter off his body, he forced his back off the bed and swung his legs off the side. He had an hour, an hour to prepare for a meeting he couldn't hope to prepare for. His feet hit the cold floor, his sweatpants pooling around his ankles as he stood quickly. Making his way to the bedroom door, he grabbed a shirt of the dresser and slipped it on before entering the hallway.

As soon as he made it down the steps he was greeted with the sight of Nate smiling in his high chair, his tray covered with tiny bits of waffle and bananas, while Emma sat next to him with her own breakfast in front of her. For a moment he just stood there, stood there and watched his lad and best mate enjoy their time together.

Suddenly, Emma lifted her head in his direction. Her eyes filled with happiness as she shot a grin in his direction and, despite the heaviness of his morning, he couldn't stop the corners of his lips from lifting slightly to return her smile.

* * *

 

Killian's car was silent as he pulled into the driveway to park. Hand tightening around the gear shift, his head turned slowly as he scanned the front of the house. It looked the same, looked the same as it had when he'd lived her with his son and his wife, but as he looked closer it was hard to miss the small, subtle changes.

Inhaling sharply, his chest tightened as he noticed the entryway sign was gone. The one that read _Welcome to The Jones'_ , the one that they'd purchased the day they'd closed on the house. The sign wasn't the only thing that had been changed either. The door had been painted, as well. His eyes narrowed as he took in the new red color. It was deep, dark, and a violent contrast the the ocean blue the door had once been.

Forcing his eyelids closed, he tried to control his rapidly beating heart. What else had she changed in his absence? What else had she done in order to exercise him from her life. Were there still family pictures in the living room? Had his office remained untouched? His stomach twisted intensely. Did Nate's artwork still cover the refrigerator? Was there any indication that he'd once lived there, that their _son_ had once lived there?

Or, was that all gone too?

His eyes snapped open, his hand released the gear shift and lifted to turn off the ignition and pulled out the keys. In his heart he knew that all of these changes meant nothing. They were expected, given the situation. This house, a house they had searched tirelessly for after his first book deal, was no longer his.

His fingers curled around the door handle and he pulled it toward him, the door opened with a click a half a second later and he pushed it open. Stepping out, he shut the door behind him before making his way up the walkway to that red front door. Slipping his keys in his pocket with one hand, he raised the other to ring the doorbell and to a half step back.

How peculiar it was to be ringing the doorbell of a house he onced lived in, of a house that the key was still on his key ring for. Removing his hand from his pocket, his fingers reached up and tugged at the hair just behind his ear. Bloody, _sodding_ hell.

The sound of the door knob turning pulled his attention away from his thoughts and he shifted his weight from foot to foot. His hand dropped to his side and his fingers tapped lightly against the fabric of his jeans. His gaze fell to his feet, feet covered by the grey vans Emma had given him for his birthday last year, and he took a deep breath before exhaling. He could do this, he could…

The door opened and his head jerked up just in time to see Milah tuck a lock of hair behind her ear nervously. Seeing her for the first time in what felt like forever was… it was nothing like he'd expected. Seeing her used to be like coming home, like a breath of fresh air after a hard day. It was what he used to look forward to, his favorite part of the day. Now, seeing her was just another reminder of what he'd lost, of what she'd done, of the broken pieces that surrounded his heart and their marriage.

Her lips pulled into a tight smile as she ducked her head in his direction. He kept his face blank as he tried to make sense of what he was feeling. This was the first time he'd laid eyes on his wife in five months and to be bloody honest, it felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest. It was a feeling he never thought he'd experience upon looking at his wife, something he'd never considered. And, yet...

His tongue clicked on the roof of his mouth, his eyes roaming over her form. Again, he focused in on how similar she looked to the woman he'd once known, to the woman he loved. Her eyes were the same, the same cobalt color that he'd seen from across the lecture hall, and her smile, small as it may be, was the same one he'd spent hours memorizing. She was the same but, just like the house, when he looked closer, when he really looked, she wasn't. Her hair was longer, darker than he'd ever seen it. While they were together she'd kept it cut right at her shoulders, but now it flowed past her shoulder blades in soft, easy curls. Her hands were covered in paint splotches. Her make-up was lighter, _freer_.

All of these subtle changes hit him like a ton of bricks, his chest contracting painfully. No matter how much he'd wished things would stay the same, no matter how much he'd _hoped_ , they hadn't. She'd changed during their time apart. She'd taken pieces of her, pieces of their life, and she'd broken away from them. She'd changed all while he'd been barely surviving, barely living. She'd changed and she'd done it at the expense of their marriage, of their son, and he'd been powerless to stop it.

Meeting his eyes, Milah swept her hand in the air to point inside the house. "Killian." Her voice sounded soft, almost as though she was unsure what she should say or do. "Won't you…" She paused, taking another breath as he shifted on his feet once more. "Please, come in."

He felt his head nod, a quick bow downward as he moved past her and into the house without a word. His palms sweated and he wiped them ferociously down his jeans, but it didn't seem to help. For a moment, he was struck by how much he truly did not wish to have this conversation. Having this conversation meant an ending, an ending that was coming officially in just thirty days, but a part of him did not wish to see it end. A part of him wished to see things go back to normal, to go back to the start. A start where they were happy and _in love_.

"Can I…" Milah's voice came from behind him as she shut the door. "That is, would you like something to drink? Water? Tea, maybe?"

Still silent, he shook his head to decline her offer. His eyes roamed the living room, a living room that used to be filled with stuffed animals and toys for a then eleven-month-old boy, and all he could see were the paint canvas propped against the walls, the easel that faced their, _her_ bay window. He felt his cheeks heat as anger coursed through him. All he could see was the new paintings hanging on the wall, paintings done by her own hand, and the new paint color on the walls. A bright, burnt orange instead of the seafoam green that used to be there. He gritted his teeth as his head swayed just slightly in annoyance. It wasn't just her or the bloody house… it was bloody well _everything._ There was not a single indication that he or Nate had ever inhabited this house, that they even existed.

His hands clenched and unclenched in succession, his knuckles whitening back and forth. Pivoting on his heel, his mouth fell open as he waved a hand toward the wall. "You painted?" He questioned with a hint of anger or, possibly, disappointment. Seeing all of the changes was like a knife to the heart, it was like she'd taken everything they'd worked for, spent ten years creating, and ripped it apart in five single months. It was overwhelming, it was… It was his reality. "The front door too, hmm? Is there any part of Nathaniel and I you didn't erase from your life?"

He watched as her shoulders sagged, as her eyes fell closed and she shook her head despondently. He watched as she forced her eyes open to meet his gaze. "I'm… I'm sorry, Killian."

A puff of air escaped his lips. Unbelievable. This? _This_ was an apology, her apology? She was sorry that she'd erased them from her life. She was sorry and he wasn't sure if it were good enough. He wasn't sure he wanted it. In fact, he wasn't sure _what_ he wanted, other than an explanation. He, and Nate, were due that at the very least.

His fingers raked through his locks, brushing the too long dark hair out of where it had fallen in his eyes. Teeth clenched, the muscle in his jaw spasming quickly and his arm fell back to his side. No, he didn't want an apology. He wanted, _needed_ , something more than that.

"Bloody _hell_." He whispered the words while exhaling sharply. Eyes scanned her quickly, taking in the loose fitting muscle shirt paired with a rich emerald bohemian skirt and his eyes fell to the floor. She didn't even dress the same as she used to. Nothing about her, or this house, or their marriage was the same as it used to be. _Nothing._

Her hand darted out, fingers grazing over his forearm lightly. "Let's just… Let's sit and talk."

Lifting his eyes, he stared at her fingers against the fabric of his shirt quizzically as his heart leapt in his chest. There was a time when he would have welcomed her touch and the ease it brought to him, but not anymore. Not after seeing her with Gold, not after everything.

"Aye." Jerking his head quickly, he walked past her to sit on the couch across from him. What he wouldn't give for a nice glass of rum right now.

Milah sat next to him on the couch, a cushion between them as she angled her body to face him. He kept his eyes trained ahead and attempted to avoid her gaze. His lips pressed together as he stared blankly at the orange paint, a line formed between his eyebrows as he drew them together. Dread filled his stomach, dread at what her next words could be, dread about the life he'd built, the life he'd loved, crumbling without his consent. His stomach contorted, nausea settled in and he forced himself to breathe slower, to simply _breathe_ at all.

"Killian…" She began trying to get his attention. "I said I was sorry and I am."

His head wrenched in her direction, an eyebrow shot up in surprise. It was the way she'd said the words, like they just fixed all of the things she'd done, like, by just saying them, she was somehow _forgiven_. It was almost as though her saying sorry should just be good enough for him.

"You're sorry." The words were muttered under his breath, a humorless laugh following them. "That's just… that's great, Milah. You throw away a ten year relationship, a _marriage_ and a _son_ , but you're sorry… so it is all bloody well fine."

He could feel the anger, the resentment, flowing in his veins. She'd _left_ him, left him and Nate, without a single word of explanation. She'd slept with another man in their sodding bed while their son cried out in another room. She'd avoided him for _months_ , avoided _Nate_ for months and this was what he got? _This?_ His fingers curled into fists.

"That's… That's not what I meant." She insisted and he could tell she was trying to keep her voice low, likely to not agitate him further.

"Then what the _fuck_ did you mean?" The words were sharp, full of rage and betrayal as his eyes hardened in her direction. His back was stiff, his jaw rigid, and his hands dug into his thighs as her eyes expanded. Her mouth opened but before she could utter a word, he cut her off and continued. "Because, at this moment, I don't think _I really am sorry_ is going to suffice, Milah. Not for Nate and certainly not for me."

Throwing her hands into the air, she sighed and adjusted on the couch. "Remember when we first met?" Her head turned to meet his gaze, her eyes full of exasperation. "When I told you I wanted to be an artist and I wanted to open a gallery and sell my art and my paintings?"

He nodded. Of course he did, her art was one of the things he loved about her.

"It was all I ever wanted. To paint the things I loved, to share my view of the world with those around me."

"I never bloody well stopped you." He protested, his hands still curled into fists. During their entire marriage, he'd never once asked her to stop pursuing her art, never once asked her to give it up. He knew her art made her happy and as long as she was happy, so was he. " I never…"

"I know." Milah whispered and her voice cracked on the last word. "I know you didn't. But somehow, along the way, I did." She picked at her skirt, her fingers pulling on a loose thread. "We had Nate so early in our marriage, so early. Suddenly, I was a mother and a wife and I didn't have time for my art or anything. I was so busy supporting your dreams and being a good mother and a good wife, that I forgot who I was in the process."

There were tears in her eyes as she held his gaze, tears and honesty. Her lips lifted in a small smile. She took a deep breath, her shoulders lifting as she exhaled like she'd finally had a weight lifted off of them, like she'd been holding on to this feeling for duration of their marriage and she was somehow liberated for having told him.

His chest tightened, his throat felt like it was closing up as his greatest fear was spoken in front of him. She'd left because of something he'd done. She'd left because he'd been so wrapped up in their life, in living his dream life, that he'd forgotten to let her live her own. How… how had he missed that she was so unhappy? How had he missed that his wife was suffering in some way, in a way that he should have been able to see, should have been able to fix? How had he missed that he was the cause of her actions?

How had he missed that this is was his fault...

His mouth fell open, but no words escaped. He didn't know how to reply, how to articulate what he was feeling. It seemed, he didn't know anything. It seemed, he'd never known.

After a moment of silence, Milah wiped her eyes and continued. "I am sorry about the last five months, Killian." She sighed, her hands twisting in her lap. "It took Emma, for me to realize this. She was right about it all, about everything." She paused and he could feel himself nod in agreement, but it felt like his throat was dry and he couldn't speak. "I blamed you and in my resentment, I ignored the two people I should have cared about the most."

His eyes met hers and he could see regret swirling in them, but he still didn't understand. _Why_ had she chosen to have an affair, _why_ had she removed Nate from her life, _why_ had she done any of this?

"Bloody hell, Milah." His head dropped forward, chin landing against his chest. "Just explain to me why you chose this course, explain to me why falling into bed with Gold was easier than talking to me, explain to me why you've ignored Nate for months." Lifting his head, his heart felt heavy as he pleaded with her for an explanation. "Just _why_?"

Her eyes fell to the ground, she lifted her trembling hand to run her fingers through her locks and he saw tears fall onto her skirt. "I…" Biting her lip, she met his eyes and he felt himself inhale sharply. Remorse was written all over her features, remorse and anxiety. "I don't have a good reason, Killian. I just don't."

His heart sank, eyes closed as he let her words wash over him. She didn't have a reason, she didn't have an explanation. She had nothing for him, nothing at all. "So that is it?" He questioned, his voice filled with both anger and heartbreak. "You had an affair, Milah. You avoided your son for five months and I'm just meant to accept _no good reason_ from you?"

"I said I was sorry!" Her head twisted to meet his. "I know I was wrong. I know that ignoring our problems and turning to Robert was wrong. I know…" Her words stopped and she turned to stare at the wall in front of her. "He just…" She continued, her voice barely a whisper. "He made me feel like myself again, he encouraged me to paint, to focus on what I _wanted_ , not what I thought was _expected_. He…"

"He made you forget you were a mother and a wife." At his interruption, her head jerked toward his. Her eyes were blown wide as he spat the words, the truth, toward her.

Tears ran down her cheeks, her hands came up to cover her eyes and she nodded slowly. "He just made me forget. Forget you, forget our problems, forget how you were making me feel."

Dropping her gaze, tears pricked his eyes. _How you were making me feel_. Somehow, it always seemed to come back to that. It always seemed to come back to him. Somehow...

He stood from the couch, his limbs awkward and heavy. Turning his body back toward her, his thumbs tapped each finger of his hand nervously. It wasn't… none of this was meant to be this way. Running his eyes through the room, all he could think was that he was meant to live here, to live here with his wife and his child. This was his house, this was his life.

Until it wasn't. Until he'd ruined it so greatly, he'd pushed his own wife into cheating on him, into ignoring their son.

"I'm…" He paused. His lips opened and closed before he sighed thickly. Bloody hell. He couldn't be here any longer, couldn't be in this house with this woman. He couldn't continue to stare at his failures and expect for them to magically heal themselves. "This… this is done. _We're_ done."

"What…" She tilted her head to meet his eyes and he quickly looked away. He didn't want to see her, to see the regret on her face, to see that she was somehow still _happier_ because of her actions. He didn't want to see any of it.

He forced his feet forward toward the front door, the red door that used to be blue, and out of the living room, the living room that used to be green and was now orange. Vaguely, he heard Milah call his name. He heard her lift off the couch and attempt to follow him, but he paid her no mind. He walked past the sign that wasn't there, his hand reaching into his pocket to pull out his car keys.

Hitting the keyless door lock, he heard the door unlock and slipped into his seat. Milah stood at the door, her hands twisting into a knot at the front of her stomach. Starting the car, he reversed out of the driveway without so much as a nod in Milah's direction.

The house faded behind him, the house that was his but it wasn't. The life that used to be his, until he ruined it. He couldn't breathe, couldn't see as tears fell from his eyes.

It was all over. Their marriage, their family, the life they'd built. It was all over he, he was responsible. Just as he'd told Emma that first night at her house. He'd done this and now…

Now, he had to live with it.

* * *

 

The courtroom was silent as the judge reviewed the paperwork. Killian's palms were wet, clammy, and he wiped them against the fabric of his suit. He resisted the urge to look to his right, to look toward Milah and her lawyer, and kept his eyes trained on the front of the courtroom. He couldn't believe he was here, couldn't believe that it was all coming to an end. He couldn't believe...

Tears welled in his eyes and he took a deep, shuddering breath. Focusing on the sound of Emma's feet bouncing lightly on the carpet behind him, he tried to clear his mind. He needed to hold it together, to keep himself from finally, _finally_ , breaking until he was safe in the confines of Emma's home and out of the sight of Milah, of Gold, and of Nate.

The thought of his son had him inhaling sharply, a hand rose and fingers combed through his hair and tugged at the ends. _Bloody fucking hell._ Nate's life was about to change so immensely, his family would forever be broken and unable to be mended. It was… It was something he'd never wanted for his lad, his lad who deserved all of the happiness the world could provide him.

A hand wrapped around his bicep gently and he abandoned his thoughts to tilt his head and glance behind him. Emma's gaze was focused entirely on Nate as she bounced him on her lap and whispered into his ear, but her arm was extended out toward him, her fingers were the ones that had wrapped around his arm. Somehow, her touch did what it always did and he felt himself calming slightly. Anymore, it seemed that Emma was the only person who could settle him, who could bring him the peace he so desperately needed.

Turning his head, he focused his eyes back on the judge in front of him. What the sodding hell was taking so long? Milah and he had spent that last month since their meeting setting everything so there would be no issues today. So that today would be simple, _easy_. Rolling his eyes, Killian shook his head and huffed. When was divorce ever simple or easy, especially when there was a child involved or when you still loved the person?

"I see, Mr. Jones, that you and your wife were able to come to a custody agreement prior to the hearing today?" The judge, aptly named Justice Blue, asked him with an arched brow.

He felt his head nodding. "Aye. I shall maintain primary custody of Nate while she will receive supervised visitation every Wednesday afternoon until she's proven that she can be reliable. Upon that, she can begin unsupervised visitation before eventually progressing to weekend overnight stays."

"You realize, Mr. Jones, that it is highly unorthodox for a mother to have such limited time with their child when there is no evidence of harm or that the child is in any danger." Justice Blue folded her arms across her chest.

His hands curled into fists on his thighs as his heart beat rapidly in his chest. Behind him, he heard Emma gasp in surprise at the judge's words as her fingers released his arm. Unorthodox? The bloody woman had abandoned her child for five months, she'd left him to be a single father while she gallivanted around town with her new boyfriend, and she didn't even have a proper reason as to why…

Taking a deep breath, he narrowed his eyes. "With all due…"

"I deserve it." Milah interrupted, her voice strong and firm, to the right of him.

His head jerked in Milah's direction, the rest of his words died on his tongue as he peered around his lawyer to focused on her. She was standing, her fingers gripping the edge of the desk in front of her while she held the gaze of the judge.

"I'm not sure I understand, Mrs. Jones." Justice Blue began, her eyes narrowing as she focused on Milah. "Do you not want time with your son?"

Milah shook her head, her long curls bouncing as she did. "Of course I want time with my son. I've made many mistakes the last several months and my treatment of Nate is one of them, but that doesn't matter right now. All that matters is I've already agreed to the custody terms and do not wish for you to fight my battle for me." Her head turned and she met Killian's gaze, her eyes full of understanding and, maybe, a bit of hope. "I am aware of what I am getting and I am fine with it."

Killian nodded in her direction, a small thank you for her actions, and watched as Milah returned to her seat and placed her joined hands in her lap. He'd never expected Milah to openly admit that her actions were wrong, to openly admit that she had made mistakes. His heart twisted. He'd never expected any of this.

Turning his attention back toward Blue, he wasn't surprised to find the judge with a pinched look on her features. She'd been prepared to fight a battle Milah hadn't wanted and was annoyed by that.

"Well…" Blue started. "If Mrs. Jones is happy with the arrangement then I must follow it." Her gazed turned to Killian and he sat up straighter. "Custody of Nathaniel Liam Jones shall remain with his father permanently and the arranged agreement will be followed."

Killian let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and heard Emma do the same behind him. His eyes closed and he felt his shoulders fall just a bit as the judge continued.

"All of the other paperwork seems to be in order. Therefore, in the matter of the divorce of Killian Brennan Jones, plaintiff, and Milah Rebecca Jones nee Cassidy, defendant, I rule in favor of the plaintiff. As of this day, your marriage is officially dissolved."

The sound of the gavel echoed throughout the room, but Killian found himself unable to move. His limbs felt heavy, his _heart_ felt heavy. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Milah rise from her seat and make her way down the aisle followed by her lawyer. Heaviness settled into his chest, despair spread throughout his chest, throughout his body. His fingers dug into his thighs, his knuckles turned white from the tension.

He was twenty-nine, a father, and divorced.

He heard his lawyer shoot the chair back and stand. A gentle hand squeezed his shoulder, but Killian didn't move, didn't speak. It was all over, all of it. A pang shot through his chest and he struggled to breathe through it. He felt Emma's hand replace the one on his shoulder as he heard his lawyer tell Emma to have him call before walking off.

Emma walked away as his eyes fell shut. All he could see was their wedding day, the way Milah had smiled as she walked down the aisle toward him, the way he'd laughed as he'd shoved cake in her face. Vaguely, he heard Emma ask Liam and Ruby to take Nate, heard her assure his brother that she would take care of him, that she would _always_ be there for him.

Always.

Funny how people used that word so casually. Milah had. She used to tell him she would _always_ love him. _Always and Forever, Killian_. Yet, here he was at the end of forever, here he was as the end of always.

Here he was at _the end_.

Tears fell onto his cheeks and he forced his eyes open to find Emma kneeling on the ground in front of him. He wanted to tell her he was fine, that he didn't need her to put him back together again, but he knew those words would be a lie. He'd never needed Emma more than he did in that moment.

Reaching one arm out, she intertwined their fingers and the other hand rose to swipe her thumb across his cheek. "It's okay, Killian, I've got you." She whispered as her hand snaked around his neck so she could pull him into a hug. "I've got you."

His nose pushed against the side of her neck and he closed his eyes as she released his hand to wrap her other arm around him, squeezing tightly. Tears continued to fall on his cheeks as his arms snaked around her back and he sagged into their hug, into _her._

He wanted desperately for her to fix the ache in his heart, to fix the hole in his chest, to make all of his anguish disappear. Biting back a sob, his hand fisted in her hair as she continued to whisper "I've got you" into his ear. He wanted desperately for her to fix _him._

Except, in that moment, he didn't think that would ever be possible.


	7. Chapter 7 - Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, look at that: An update that was on time :) And, even better news... chapter 8 is finished and off to the beta so expect another one next Saturday! I hope to get this one wrapped up before the premiere so fingers crossed that work doesn't get too crazy in the next couple of weeks.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It is a pretty big one for Emma and features some cute Emma/big-brother-David banter.
> 
> Thank you all for the favorite, follows, and reviews! They make me smile and so very happy!
> 
> Big thanks to o-u-a-timer for looking this one over. She is the best beta, and friend, I could ask for!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT and/or its characters!

The station door slammed suddenly causing Emma to jump out of her seat and her chair to crash into the wall behind her. Her hand covered her heart, which was thumping wildly against her chest, and her eyes darted over the computer in front of her to figure out what the hell was going on. Her eyes landed on the amused face of her brother as he held back his laugh with a grin. Shooting him an annoyed look, she narrowed her eyes in his direction.

"David Nolan!" She ground out, throwing her arms in the air. "You. are. an. ass. A complete and utter ass!"

Delight took over David's features as his laughter finally escaped his lips and rang throughout the station. The hand that was not holding the brown paper bag wrapped around his stomach as the force of his laughter caused him to fall back into the wall.

Her face flushed, cheeks reddening in embarrassment. She couldn't believe she'd let him scare her. It was something they'd been doing this since they were kids, seeing who could scare the other more, and she hated when David got one over on her. It wasn't often that he was able to, but still… she hated to lose. Especially to her brother.

"Okay, okay." She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I'm glad I could be your amusement this afternoon." Reaching behind her, she pulled her chair back over to her desk and sat down while continuing to glare in his direction as he ignored her words. "Are you done yet?" She asked, exasperation evident in her tone. "Some of us do have work to tend to, sheriff."

At the mention of his official title, David nodded and took a deep breath in an attempt to control his laughter. "I'm sorry, Em." His tone was full of honesty as he chuckled lightly and pulled himself from the wall to make his way toward her. "I couldn't resist. Besides, I owed you after you scared the shit out of me when I fell asleep in my office a couple months ago."

Her head fell forward as she realized he did in fact owe her. Tucking her hair behind her ears, she turned her head in his direction as he pulled a chair up to her desk and smirked.

Nodding quickly she rested her head on her hand. "You're right." She admitted with a murmur before smiling. "Damn it, you're right. You did owe me one."

Winking, David sat the paper bag on her desk. "I'm glad you could admit your defeat, little sis, and, as a reward, I've brought you Granny's."

Squealing, her head lifted from her hand in excitement. "Grilled cheese and onion rings?" She asked, the corners of her eyes crinkling from the strength of her smile.

He pushed the bag toward her as he shook his head in disbelief. "Of course it's grilled cheese and onion rings. You get the same thing from Granny's anytime we go. What kind of brother would I be if I got your order wrong?"

Snatching the bag, she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know." Her eyes met his and she gave him a small smile. "You've always been the best brother I could ever ask for."

David swallowed, his hand came up to squeeze her shoulder gently as his eyes held her gaze. "Same, little sis, same." His voice was gruff, full of underlying emotions he was trying to keep in check. It wasn't very often she saw her brother at a loss for words and it only served to remind her how much of an impact he'd had on her and she on him. They were family in every way that could ever matter.

Releasing her shoulder, David cleared his throat and eyed the bag in front of her. "Now, eat before the food gets cold. Can't have my best deputy going hungry."

Reaching into the bag, she pulled out what looked to be a sandwich wrapped in white paper and the bag of onion rings. Setting the item in front of her on the desk, she reached back into the bag to pull out David's lunch before placing the bag on the floor between them. Handing the items to David, he gave her a nod in thanks as he started to unwrap his own sandwich.

Turning her attention back to her own food, she moved to unwrap her grilled cheese when her phone vibrated on her desk. Groaning, her shoulders fell as she realized she would have to wait just a bit longer to eat and she reached for the phone. A smile formed on her lips as she realized the cause of the vibration was a text from Killian. Swiping the screen quickly, her eyes scanned the message and her lips fell.

"Emma?" David questioned from next to her, a pensive look on his features. "Is something the matter?"

Her eyes found his concerned ones and her lips formed a thin line. "I'm not sure. That was Killian. He wanted to let me know he more than likely wouldn't be home for dinner. Tonight's . visitation with Nate and, while she has been showing up, she is almost always late. Which makes them late getting home."

"Hmm." David's fingers tapped against the wood of her desk as he waited for her to continue.

Huffing, she threw the phone back on the table and it landed with a thunk. "It's just… I have come to look forward to eating dinner with the two of them every night. It has become routine at this point, the three of us sitting down for a family dinner."

Sitting his sandwich on the paper in front of him, David shot a smile in her direction. "Look at you, Emma Nolan. For a self proclaimed lost girl, you seem to have more family than even I do."

She shook her head and pushed her brother's shoulder lightly. "Shut up. It's just Killian and Nate. You know Killian and I have always been close."

Staying silent, David nodded his head in understanding. Lifting his sandwich, he took a bite before setting it back down. A moment later he took a deep breath, his eyes diverted to the floor quickly before he raised them to meet her gaze. "How is he? You know, after everything?

"Killian?" She questioned with a head tilt and turned her body for fully toward him.

David nodded. "Yeah. Mary Margaret is worried, Ruby is worried, Liam's worried. Hell, I'm worried." David moved his chair so his body faced her fully, his hands settling in his lap. "I mean, we're his friends and, other than Liam, we haven't heard anything from him in months."

Her hand reached up to scratch the patch of skin behind her ear. Her mouth drew into a thin line and her hands entangled themselves on her lap. Killian was… he was a mess. Likely worse than he was before the divorce was finalized a month ago. Now, he was like a robot. He went through the motions of taking care of Nate, went through the motions of conferencing with his agent and editor, he went through the motions of life. It was like he was stuck, stationary, and she didn't know how she could help him. She didn't know how to break him from this cycle he'd created.

"Emma." David's hand covered hers and effectively pulled her from her thoughts. "How bad is it?"

Her gaze met his, her eyes somber and dull as she shrugged defeatedly. "He's... David, he's a mess. I mean, he's there for Nate. He does everything that boy needs. But everything else…" Her head fell forward, her chin hitting the top of her chest and she took a deep breath before exhaling. "It's like he is going through the motions. Like he is trying to pretend he has everything under control, but I can see the circles under his eyes, I see him every time he skips meals, I see every time he reaches for the rum bottle. I..." Her words faded off, the weight of the last ones to heavy to even speak.

_I can see when he's been crying. I can see when he's breaking._

And she can, she's seen it all. She's surrounded by it everyday, every night, and each night a part of her breaks even more because she doesn't know how to help him, because she doesn't know what to do.

David's hand gripped her lightly, his fingers tangling with hers. WIth his free hand, his pointer finger found the bottom of her chin and pushed up slightly so she would meet his gaze. "Hey. You are doing the best you can. You're only one person, Emma." He paused, his finger tapping the bottom of her chin for a moment before he continued. "I think… truthfully, Emma, I think Killian needs to take some time. He needs to get out of this town where everything reminds him of his ex-wife and he needs to process what happened." He gives her a small, barely there smile. "It is what I would want, if anything were to happen between Mary Margaret and myself."

For a moment, she let David's idea float around in her mind. Her free hand picked at the crust of her grilled cheese and she felt David squeeze her hand reassuringly. Maybe, maybe he was right. How could Killian heal if he were constantly in a place where Milah was? How could he move on if he was continuously bombarded with memories of the life he spent with her?

Perhaps some time away would do him good, perhaps it would help center him. She just had to convince him that it was a good idea, that it was what he _needed_. Thankfully, she knew just the person to help and he happened to be in town for the next several weeks on leave in order to help his brother out anyway.

Reaching for her phone, she grinned in David's direction. "I think, dear big brother, you might be on to something. I need to make a few phone calls and see what I can arrange. Is that okay?"

David swept his hand through the air in front of him gesturing toward the station. "Does it look like we are busy, Emma? Take your time, Killian is important to you and, in turn, he is important to me. Also, if you do pull this off, Mary Margaret and I will help out however you need us to."

Scooting her chair forward, she wrapped her arms around David's large frame and buried her head in his chest. It was very similar to how he would hold her when she had first come to live with them and was woken up by nightmares, it was one of two peoples arms she ever felt completely comfortable in.

"Thank you." She whispered into the fabric of his uniform.

David's hand rose to cup the back of her head as his own rested gently atop hers. "It's nothing, sis. Just what brothers do."

Pulling away, she pushed her chair back to her desk. Swiping to unlock the phone, she opened the contacts and found the one she wanted quickly. Clicking on the name _Liam Jones_ , she put the phone to her ear and waited.

Liam could help, he would know what to do. Next to her, Liam was the one who _always_ knew what to do when it came to Killian.

* * *

 

While she waited, she tried to ignore the pit that was forming in her chest. She tried to ignore the empty feeling she felt at the idea of having Killian gone for an extended time. She knew Killian needed this, knew it would be good for him, but she would miss him. She was so used to him always being there, to him being in her house, to him always being by her side, she was used to helping him through everything.

But she couldn't help him through this. So, she pushed those feelings aside. She reminded herself that Liam was his _family_ and, despite how she felt, despite the pressure in her chest at the thought of him leaving, she wasn't his family.

She was his _friend._

His friend and nothing more.

Grabbing a bottle of beer, Emma closed the refrigerator door softly. Glancing at the clock on the stove, she shook her head. It was well past ten in the evening and Killian was upstairs for the third time since nine attempting to get Nate to sleep. It had become a nightly ritual, Nate refusing to sleep that is, and it was only getting worse as the days went on. In fact, in the month since the divorce had been finalized, Nate hadn't slept well a single night. It was almost as if the eighteen month old toddler knew his father was struggling, it was almost like he knew and he didn't want his father to have to be alone.

Twisting the cap off the bottle, Emma threw it on the countertop behind her before turning to lean her back against it. Lifting the bottle to her lips, she closed her eyes as the cold amber liquid rolled over her tongue and down her throat. Sighing, she pulled the bottle from her lips and hung her head so her chin hit her chest.

She hadn't been lying to David two days ago at lunch, Killian was a mess. On top of Nate refusing to sleep through the night, or for longer than an hour at a time, Killian wasn't sleeping either. He wasn't sleeping, he was barely eating, he was barely… Pulling her lip in her mouth, she bit down. Killian was barely functioning, he was broken and it was worse than it ever had been.

Taking another sip of her beer, she sat the bottle on the counter and gripped the edge of the countertop. As much as she hated to admit it, David had been right. Killian needed a break. He needed to be in a place where he wasn't responsible for Nate, a place where he wasn't responsible for writing a book, where he could just be Killian.

He needed to be in a place where he could just simply _heal_.

Thankfully, Liam had been all too willing to help her. Over the past two days, she'd managed to arrange for Killian to leave Storybrooke for a week and go sailing with Liam on their boat. It wasn't a lot, but it was something. It was… it was a break and that was what Killian needed.

Footsteps echoed on the stairs indicating Killian had finally gotten Nate to sleep and was joining her. Grabbing her bottle, she quickly moved toward the living room. Killian sat on the couch, his head in his hands and his back toward her. Frowning, she moved around the furniture into the living room before making her way to the couch. The cushions on the couch shifted as she took a seat right next to him and placed her bottle on the table in front of her.

For a moment, she just studied him. She studied the way his fingers gripped into his hair, the way his posture was tight, the way his eyes were closed while his head angled toward the floor. She noticed the small things, like the way he was forcing himself to breathe slowly or how the skin under his eyes was darker. She noticed the big things too, like how his complexion was several shades lighter than normal or how his frame appeared thinner. She noticed these things and her heart broke for him.

She just wished… she wished there was a way to take his pain away, to pull him into her arms and protect him from all of the hurt in his world. She only hoped that getting him away from it all would help alleviate some of what he was feeling.

"Apologies, lass." He interrupted her thoughts, his voice muffled beneath his hands. "I do not quite understand what has the lad all tied up in knots and refusing to sleep, but I thank you for being understanding."

Tucking her feet under her, she reached out to grip his chin and lift his head to meet her eyes. "Killian Jones, you know me well enough to know I do not care about something like that." He released his chin and he held her gaze as she reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers. "All I care about is that you get the help you need, that you and Nate are able to heal from this. I truly do not care about anything else."

Killian nodded, his lips turning up ever so slightly as he squeezed her hand. "I don't…" He trailed off, swallowing hard and shifting his eyes downward. "I don't know what I would do without you, love." She tried to ignore the way her heart skipped a beat at his whispered words, tried to ignore the warmth that spread throughout her chest as he acknowledged how important she was to him. She tried to ignore it, but she failed.

Shifting closer to him, she let her head drop to his shoulder and rest there. "Don't worry Killian, I will always be here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

She felt him exhale, his shoulders fell slightly from the force of it. She hadn't been lying. If there was one thing she'd realized over the past seven months it was that wherever Killian wanted to be, that was where she wanted to be. Just simply being in his presence made her feel complete, _whole._

Which was going to make this separation that much harder for her, this separation she still hadn't told him about. It wasn't like she thought he'd be angry. No, she just… she didn't want him to feel like she didn't care about his problems anymore. She didn't want him to feel like she was dumping him with Liam so she could have a break. But, regardless of how nervous she was, she needed to tell him. Especially if Liam wanted to leave in the morning.

Lifting her head from his shoulder, she lifted her hand to comb it through her hair. "Killian…" She started and waited, her stomach tied up in knots, for him to respond.

"Aye." He turned his head to look at her, surprise forming in his eyes when he noticed the nervousness in hers. "Emma, what is going on? Is something the matter?"

She shook her head vigorously, the ends hitting her neck from the force. "No. No, nothing is wrong. It's just…" She blinked several times, trying to get a bearing on what she wanted to say. After several moments, she smiled and continued. "Please don't be angry, but Liam and I arranged for you to get out of town for a couple of days starting tomorrow. It'll be just you and him, you'll be out on the Jolly."

Killian stared at her, his eyebrow arched and mouth open in surprise. "You, you arranged for me to take a _vacation_?"

"Well…" She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "I mean it is a vacation, but it's more of a trip for you to work through some stuff." She squeezed their joined hands before murmuring. "We can all see that you are struggling."

His features fell, his face becoming the mask that she knew all too well, it was the one that he used when he didn't want someone to know what he was feeling. "I appreciate that, Emma, but I've got Nate I -"

"I am going to watch Nate." She interrupted, her words rushed but strong. "Well, Mary Margaret and I. She is going to take him when I have to work."

The muscle in his jaw ticked as he clenched down. "I need to meet with my editor and -"

"I already called them too." She ducked her head sheepishly as he threw her an annoyed look. "I didn't go into much detail, but I told them you had a family emergency and needed some time off."

He yanked his hand from hers and his fingers formed a fist that he clenched and unclenched over and over. His eyes were hard, hard and angry, as he stared at her in shock. "That's just, that's just lovely Emma. Is there anything else about my life you wish to dictate? I've got to take Nate to the doctor soon, did you want to make that appointment as well?"

His words, full of malice and anger, were flung at her as he continued to stare at her with blazing eyes. She felt her heart twist, twist so violently it physically took her breath away. Making him mad had never been the plan, especially not at her. _Never at her._

But, she also knew, that someone had to do this because Killian wouldn't. If she didn't step in, Killian would have continued down this path and it would not have turned out well for he or Nate, or her for that matter. Not with how important was, not with how much she'd come to need him in her life.

"I'm sorry." She whispered the words and met his gaze once more. "I never meant to make you angry. You know me, Killian, that's the last thing I would _ever_ want, but you need this. You need to heal and you need to do it away from this town, you need to do it alone and without any responsibilities. You need…" Her voiced cracked as tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. "You need to heal so you can be my best friend again, so you can be Nate's father again, so you can be _you again_. You…"

The next thing she knew, she was wrapped in his arms. His hands tangled in her hair as his cheek rested on the side of her head. Closing her eyes, she leaned into him and let her forehead fall to rest on his shoulder. Breathing deep, she was surrounded by the scent of salt water and sandalwood, she was surrounded by the scent that was uniquely Killian.

"You're right." He whispered as he shifted and buried his nose in her neck. "Thank you. Thank you for caring so much about me and about Nate. Thank you for always being there. I'm sorry about earlier." His nose rubbed the skin off her neck do to how close they were and her heart skipped a beat. "I'm sorry for everything."

Pulling away, she brushed his hair out of his eyes and attempted a smile. "Don't apologize. You have done nothing wrong. Nothing. Just go. Go and heal, and come back to me."

He nodded, his arms releasing her to drop to his sides. "I will always come back to you, Emma. _Always_."

Warmth spread throughout her chest as her heart beat rapidly. _Always._ That was all she wanted to hear, all she cared about. She didn't want to think about a life where Killian wasn't in it always, where Killian wasn't with her. She didn't want to think of a life where…

Her eyes widened and her stomach dropped. Realization formed in her eyes. She… She...No. She couldn't. He was… He was her best friend. He was…

"Emma?" His questioning voice rung out next to her and she jerked her head toward him.

"Yeah?" His hand rose to pull on the hair at the nap of his neck. It was something she lo…

"I asked when Liam would arrive? I assume I need to pack?" He inclined his head, eyebrows bunched in worry.

"Sorry, I was… thinking." She forced a smile. "He'll be in at sunrise and yeah, you need to pack."

He stood up from the couch and turned toward her. "Then, I bid you a goodnight so I can get a start on that." Her reached down, slid his fingers under her hand and lifted it to meet his mouth. Butterflies formed in her stomach and she couldn't catch her breath as he brushed her knuckles with her lips. "Thank you again, Emma."

She was speechless as he dropped her hand back to her lap, speechless as he turned and walked up the steps, and it wasn't until she heard his bedroom door closing that she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

Fuck. _Fuck_. She reached for her beer bottle and took a large gulp. How could she have let this happen? How could she have missed this? How could she...In her head, she replayed the entirety of their friendship from the beginning to end.

She replayed it and tried to pinpoint when it had happened, she tried to pinpoint when everything had changed.

She tried to figure out when she'd fallen in love with her best friend.

Panicking, she felt her chest tighten and her heart race as her breathing increased. This… this had never been a part of the plan. This had never been… It didn't matter. She was in love with Killian.

She was in love with Killian and he certainly wasn't in love with her.

* * *

Turning around in the kitchen, Emma reached for her mug of hot chocolate and ignored the way it heated her palm. She was exhausted. After her and Killian's talk the night before, after realizing how she felt, she'd barely gotten any sleep. After dozing on and off for several hours, she'd finally fallen asleep around six in the morning, only to have her alarm go off at seven.

Normally not getting any sleep wouldn't be a big deal, normally she could have just slept in until she felt rested seeing as she didn't have the morning shift, but that wasn't possible today. No, today she had to be awake enough to watch the Nate.

Stepping into the living room, her eyes landed on the line of bags leading to her front door. Her chest felt heavy from the thought of Killian being gone for over a week, at the thought of not seeing him first thing in the morning, of not seeing him when she gets home from dinner. He was such a large part of her life, such a huge piece of what made her house a home, that having him gone was going to affect her far more than missing a friend should.

Which made sense, considering she was in love with him.

Shaking her head, she bit the inside of her cheek and sat her hot chocolate down. The last thing Killian needed was to find out she had feelings for him. He'd barely been divorced a month and it was no secret he was still in love with Milah. In fact, the whole reason he was leaving today was to attempt to heal himself after Milah's actions and after the divorce.

What Killian needed right now was his best friend and she was determined to be that for him. Her feelings didn't matter. Her lips turned down in a frown. More than likely, her feelings wouldn't ever matter. Killian and her were friends and that was all they would ever be. There was no way she was going to ruin a childhood friendship over something like this.

Footsteps on the stairs caused her to pivot on the carpet in time to see Killian walking down them with Nate, who was still in pajamas, settled firmly on his lap. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in what Killian was wearing. The khaki cargo shorts gave her a great view of his firm calves and his black henley was unbuttoned just enough to give her a nice peek of his chest. His hair had that disheveled bedhead look, it stuck up in all directions as if he'd been running his hands through it. His hair was complemented with the scruff on his cheeks and chin that was always present. Sperry's completed the outfit, which wasn't surprising considering they were going sailing.

As Killian reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned his gaze on her and she grinned at the excitement she saw in his eyes. It had been so long since she'd seen him excited for anything and she'd missed it. She missed it so much.

"Emma." Killian breathed out, his lips turning up in a small smile. "I think I'm all set to go, lass."

She stepped forward, meeting him at the entrance to the foyer. "Are you sure you remembered everything? You'll be gone a week and you'll be in the middle of the ocean so it's not like you can stop and get what you need." Her eyes shifted over the bags suspiciously.

"Aye." He inclined his head toward Nate." My lad and I triple checked this morning. I'm all set."

"All set!" Nate chimed in, his head resting on his father's chest lightly.

Emma giggled and reached up to tussle Nate's hair. "Good." She looked at the clock on the wall, frowning as she noticed the time. "Liam will be here any minute. Better start the goodbyes."

Killian nodded before crouching down on the floor to set Nate in front of him. He smiled, tapped Nate on the nose, and brushed the hair out of Nate's eyes. "Alright, my little lad, Papa is going away for a few days and you are going to stay here with Auntie Em."

"Go away?" Nate questioned with a tilt of his head.

"Aye, little lad. Papa needs…" Killian stopped, his eyes went to the ceiling and Emma could see the tears that had formed.

Anguish rose in her chest. This was the hardest thing for Killian, she knew that. She knew that Nate was Killian's reason for living, he was his reason for _healing_ , but leaving him wasn't something Killian ever wanted to do. Even if it were for such a short period of time.

"Papa needs to get better, lad." Killian explained a moment later. "When I get back, things _will_ be better. I promise."

Nate reached up, his tiny hand cupping his father's cheek. "Will miss you, Papa."

A sob escaped Killian's lips as his arms snaked around Nate and he pulled him into his chest. "I'll miss you too, my little lad, so much." He kissed the top of Nate's head. "I love you, Nate, like sailors love the sea."

Nate pulled back, his lips forming a huge smile. "I lobe you, Papa, like sails and sea!" Then, he leaned forward and kissed Killian's forehead.

For a moment, Killian just crouched in the hallway, crouched and held his son. Reaching up, Emma wiped the tears that had fallen on to her cheek. She watched as Killian's torso trembled and she knew he was trying his hardest to keep from breaking down in front of Nate. He didn't want Nate to see how upset he really was.

A car horn honked from the driveway, indicating Liam had arrived. Stepping forward, she put her hand on Killian's shoulder and was surprised when he let the side of his head fall against it.

Pulling Nate out from his chest, he gave the boy a small smile. "Okay lad, Papa must go, but you are going to have so much fun with Auntie Em. I promise."

Emma nodded and reached down to lift Nate into her arms. "That's right, Natey Matey." She gave him the biggest smile her lips would make despite the heaviness in her chest. "We are going to have the best time."

Nate smiled, but didn't say anything. Instead, he rested his head on her shoulder and watched as his papa picked up his bags.

As soon as Killian had all three of his bags in his hands, he turned and looked at Emma. His eyes were rimmed in red and his cheeks were pink, both were from crying. Meeting his blue eyes, she gasped at the pain she saw there. He didn't want to leave, but he knew he needed to. His eyes shifted to Nate and then back to her and she nodded in understanding. He needed her to take care of Nate, needed her to promise that she would protect him, so that he could leave. She nodded again, a promise that she wouldn't let him down.

He turned and took a step toward the front door before stopping. His bags fell to the ground. Before she knew what was happening he'd turned, walked the short distance between them, and wrapped his arms around her and Nate.

His head buried itself in her shoulder. His body shook as he finally let his tears fall. Her free hand came up to trace circles through the fabric of his shirt on his back. "It's okay, Killian. We understand, _he_ understands." She whispered the words into his ear.

Pulling away quickly, he nodded and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You are the second best thing to ever happen to me, Emma Nolan. I don't know where I'd be, if it were not for you."

Her chest expanded in happiness and she smiled. "Same here, Jones. Same here."

He picked up his bags and walked back toward the door. Opening the door, he stopped and took another look behind him. "You'll be okay?" He asked one last time.

Her lips turned up just slightly as she inclined her head. "We'll be fine. Go. You need this."

He gave her one last smile before lifting his hand to wave goodbye to Nate. "Bye, little lad. See you soon. I love you."

Nate lifted his tiny hand and waved back to his papa. "Byee, Papa! I lobe you."

Then, he walked through the door and shut it behind him. As soon as the door shut, she felt her shoulders fall. He was gone. He was really gone. She felt her chest tighten once more.

The truth was… As much as she didn't want him to go, as much as she would've preferred him to stay, she needed him to leave just as much as he needed to go. She need to take this week, this week without him, and deal with her feelings.

She needed to use this time to figure out how to fall out of love with her best friend.

Otherwise, she just might lose him, and their friendship, forever.


	8. Chapter 8 - Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for all of the positive response to this fic! It makes me so happy knowing that you all are enjoying this story! Quick warning: I go back to work this week and am dealing with some personal stuff with my son that might affect next week's update. Hopefully, it won't but I wanted to be transparent just in case.
> 
> Also, I realize that some of you want things to speed up between Killian and Emma, but I like to write things realistically and let's face it, you do not just "get over" someone you believed you would be with for the rest of your life. Killian and Emma will get there, just not weeks after his divorce.
> 
> As always, thanks to o-u-a-timer and the-lady-of-misthaven for looking this over. This fic is what it is because of you two.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own OUAT and/or its characters.

The water lapped against the side of the boat and Killian closed his eyelids tightly. The air around him felt heavy, heavy and suffocating, just like pain he felt in his heart. Bracing his arms on the rail of the ship, he leaned forward and inhaled deeply causing the smell of salt to permeate his nose. The wind picked up suddenly, the gentle blow causing his dark locks to dance wildly atop his head and he raised his hand to pat them back down. 

 

He needed a haircut. He’d neglected getting one for far too long. 

 

Exhaling slowly, he tried not to think about  _ why  _ he hadn’t gotten his hair cut in months. Instead, he focused on the way the boat swayed beneath his feet, the way the sun warmed his cheeks, and the silence that surrounded him. 

 

He’d loved the ocean for as long as he could remember. As a young lad, he used to spend hours at the beach just watching the waves roll onto the shore. There had always been something  _ calming _ about the ocean for him, something that settled him. Learning how to sail was an extension of his love for the water, it was his way of finding his niche. He could be near the water, could be  _ on _ the water, for as long as he liked while he was sailing. While he was sailing, while he was lost somewhere in the expanse of the sea, he felt just a little less adrift. He felt just a little more at home. 

 

Shaking his head, he opened his eyes and scanned the ocean in front of him. It had been three days since they’d left, three days since he’d seen his son, three days of avoiding Liam and his knowing gaze. It had been three days on the water… Three days and he felt no more at peace than the day he left. 

 

Lifting his arms from the rail, he allowed them to fall to his sides as he stood up straight. His hair fell into his eyes and he shoved it back with his fingers. He wished he were at home, wished he were in his room at Emma’s with Nate tucked into his side as he read his lad a book, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was miles away from Nate, miles away from  _ home _ . At the end of the day, he’d went on this trip for Nate, and for Emma, because they both deserved more. They both deserved for him to be whole and… Bloody hell. He wanted to give that to them. He wanted to be whole for Nate, to be the best friend Emma deserved, he wanted to  _ forget  _ everything that had happened. 

 

It was just… His shoulder sagged, a sigh escaping his lips as his eyes narrowed. He’d never wanted any of this to happen. He never wanted Milah to feel alone, never wanted to push her into Gold’s arms, he never wanted any of it, and yet, here he was. How was he meant to let go of something, to  _ forget _ something he felt solely responsible for? 

 

Shaking his head, the muscles in his jaw clenched as he tapped a pattern into his jean-covered thighs. Emma had been telling him for weeks,  _ months _ , that what happened with Milah could not solely be his fault, that Milah was somehow responsible as well. He’d tried, he  _ really _ had, to shift some of the blame to his ex-wife, but… Yes, she’d made some mistakes, she’d acted poorly, but wasn’t it his fault that she’d acting in such a manner to begin with? Wasn’t it his actions that had set the course to where they were now?

 

His fingers curling into a tight fist as he reminded himself of the reason he was in this situation. Milah had been quite clear about the reasoning behind her actions. She’d made quite clear that it was his fault. That it was because of how he’d made her feel. It was because of …

 

“It’s not all your fault, you know.” Liam’s voice seemed to voice his inner turmoil as his brother stepped up next to him by the rail and, like always, he wished to deal with this alone.

 

“Funny.” He turned his head toward his brother. “I don’t remember asking your opinion on the matter.”

 

Even as he said the words, even as his brother seemed to pause and cock an eyebrow in his direction, Killian knew Liam would not let it go. He knew this because Liam, like Emma, would not let anything go when it came to him. They never had. 

 

Shrugging his shoulders, Liam ran his fingers through his locks before continuing just like Killian knew he would. “You didn’t, but I know you, Killian. I know you are blaming yourself.” 

 

“You don’t know a damned thing, Liam.” He bit the words out, his eyes narrowing as he clenched his jaw. 

 

Turning his head, his gaze shifted over the water before him. Liam had no idea what Milah had told him, no idea that it truly  _ was _ his fault. He’d chosen to keep that information to himself, he’d chosen to not tell Emma nor Liam about what happened at Milah’s that day. He’d chosen to shoulder that burden alone. Liam didn’t know, so it wasn’t a surprise that he felt Killian didn’t hold all the blame.  

 

“Is that so?” Liam angled his body toward him, his eyebrow arched challengingly. “You’ve spent the last seven sodding months doing nothing but condemning yourself. It is what you do, Killian, it is what you  _ always  _ do. You did it when Papa left when you were ten, bloody hell you blamed yourself when Mother got sick while you were away at university.” Liam reached out, his hand enclosing around Killian’s shoulder as he forced him to turn in his direction. “I know you better than you know yourself, Killian. Somehow, someway, you always think you are the only one to blame.” Liam’s lips formed a thin line as his eyes softened and he continued. “But, this?  _ This _ is not solely your fault, Killian.” 

 

Killian shook his head, his lower lip trembled and he forced his eyes closed as they filled with tears. Liam didn’t understand. He...A weight, heavy and unyielding, settled in his chest and he gasped. All of it. Milah. Gold. Nate. His actions were the cause of it all. “You…” His hands jittered at his sides, his thumbs hitting his jeans over and over as he whispered the words. “You don’t understand, Liam. She left because of  _ me _ . She was unhappy because of  _ me _ , because I made her forget who she was.” He opened his eyes, tears falling on his cheeks, and met Liam’s gaze. “It  _ is  _ entirely my fault.”

 

Liam squeezed his shoulder, his head shaking in earnest. “No, it’s not. It can’t be.” Releasing his shoulder, Liam let his arm fall back to his side. “You were married, Killian. A marriage doesn’t fail because of one person. You both made mistakes. You are both, at the very least, responsible.”

 

Wetting his lips, Killian blinked several times and shifted his gaze to the wood planks of the deck. Emma had been telling him the same thing for months, telling him it wasn’t just his fault, that Milah was equally responsible, and each time he’d brushed her off. A gust of wind bit at the tear tracks on his cheeks and he lifted his hand to wipe off the wetness. He hadn’t wanted to listen to Emma, he didn’t want to listen to Liam, because listening to them meant admitting that… 

 

His eyes narrowed as his features hardened in resolve. “No. I was the one who made her unhappy, Liam.” He ran his fingers through his hair, his head lifted to meet Liam’s eyes. “I should’ve...” 

 

“You should’ve what, Killian?” Liam’s voice was soft, but firm, as he inclined his head in question. “You should’ve guessed she was unhappy, should’ve read her mind? What could you have possible done that was different than what you did?”

 

“I don’t know!” His hands flew into the air, his frustrated voice rising as he struggled to ignore the implication of Liam’s, and Emma’s, words. “I was her  _ husband _ , Liam. I made a vow to listen to her, to love her, and I broke that vow.” His fist pounded into his chest over his heart. “She loved me.” He insisted, his arm falling listlessly to his side. “She loved me and I ignored how she was feeling. I ignored her. I was the one who made her unhappy.” 

 

Liam’s features softened, his blue eyes were full of compassion as his lips pulled into a thin line. He stepped forward, his hand once again rising to squeeze his shoulder. “But  _ she _ was the one who cheated, Killian.” His voice was full of honesty. “She was the one who broke your marriage vow, not you. The two of you could have gone to counseling. Together, the two of you could have fixed your marriage.” His arm fell back to his side and he tucked his hand into the pocket of his shorts.  “But she didn’t do any of those things. She cheated, she ignored you, and she ignored Nate. You are not innocent in this Killian, but she certainly isn’t either and it is time you stop ignoring pretending that she is.” Liam scratched his neck while shrugging his shoulders. “And, I think you know that. I think…” 

 

“Liam.” He warned, his teeth clenching as he glared in his brother’s direction.

 

It was like he could see Liam’s train of thought, like he knew exactly where his brother was going to take this, and he didn’t want to hear it. Hearing it meant admitting it and admitting it wasn’t something he was sure he was ready to do. 

 

Liam shook his head sadly and took a step forward. “I think you are more than aware of Milah’s blame.” He spoke the words deliberately, his voice controlled and flat. “I think you know and you have purposely ignored it. Because admitting that she holds some type of blame, that she holds some portion of the responsibility, indicates something you don’t want to deal with, something you would rather ignore, whatever the buggering hell that may be.” 

 

Killian sighed, his head fell back and his eyes stared at the darkening sky above. He hadn’t wanted to admit it. What he wanted was for Liam to leave well enough alone, but he should’ve known Liam wouldn’t do that. He should’ve known that Liam would push, and  _ push _ , until the truth was glaring at him right in the face. The truth he’d tried for months to ignore. 

 

“It’s time to face whatever you’ve been running from Killian. It is time to share the blame and allow yourself to move on.” Hearing Liam’s voice, Killian pulled his head back up to take in his brother’s form. Liam stood, his arms crossed across his chest with a sympathetic look on his face. 

 

“We’ll be in Boston by tomorrow evening.” He continued. “Perhaps you’ll use the time between now and then to consider what I’ve told you.”

 

Killian nodded his head, his eyes falling as he licked his lips.  A moment later, he heard Liam’s footsteps echo as he moved away from him and returned to his place at the helm. Shifting from foot to foot, he let the weight of his brother’s words wash over him. Liam had been right. He’d been placing all of the blame on himself so he could ignore...

 

Turning, he walked back toward the ship’s rail. Being married to Milah was all he’d ever wanted. Meeting her at university and falling in love with her had been his reason for living. He’d loved her with every fiber of his being, with every breath he took and he thought she felt the same. 

 

He shoved his hand into the pocket of his jeans as his heart twisted. Milah had always been a bit wild at heart, a bit untamable, but she insisted that she loved him. She insisted that she wanted what he wanted. Except… she hadn’t.

 

Pulling his hand from his pocket, he twirled the wedding ring that was still on his finger with his thumb. Milah’s actions, her  _ affair _ with Gold, her  _ dismissal _ of Nate, had made something very clear to him. Milah Cassidy had never wanted any of the same things that he’d wanted. She hadn’t since the very beginning of their courtship and she surely didn’t now. 

 

His fingers yanked on the wedding ring. Forcing it up and over his knuckle, he dropped it into his palm and curled his hand around it. Emma had been right this whole time, the failure of his marriage wasn’t entirely his fault, and Liam had been correct moments ago, he’d been placing blame solely on himself to ignore a bigger problem. 

 

If the destruction of his marriage was his fault, and his fault  _ alone _ , then he could pretend that Milah was the perfect woman he’d always saw her as. He could pretend that she was the woman he  _ thought _ he fell in love with. Sharing the blame with Milah meant admitting that she’d made the conscious decision to cheat on him when there had been other options, it meant that she hadn’t wanted to  _ fix _ their marriage at all.

 

Lifting his arm, he reached over the side of the ship and held his enclosed hand over the water. Milah had never been the woman he believed she was and their marriage had been over long before she cheated. He hadn’t wanted to admit those things but, after seven months of putting himself through hell, perhaps it was time he did. Perhaps it was time he looked at his marriage for what it was, a lie.

 

His head tilted to the side, his hand still raised over the water, as he felt a slight pang in his heart. He’d loved Milah, he would have spent eternity with her, but she had never wanted that. She had never wanted any of it. 

 

His hand opened and he watched as his ring, as his  _ wedding ring _ , dropped into the ocean beside his ship. He watched as the shiny gold twinkled in the water, he watched until he could see the ring no longer. 

 

It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He hadn’t wanted to admit that Milah had purposely ended their marriage, that she had never been the woman he thought she was, for fear of what it would mean for him. He thought it would hurt, thought it would be the thing that finally broke his heart in two, but it wasn’t. It was… It was the exact opposite, it was freeing. It had been seven months since he’d caught Milah with Gold, seven bloody months of pure agony, and for the first time he felt like maybe, just maybe, he would be okay. 

 

His eyes scanned the horizon in front of him. It would be dark soon, the sun was already beginning to set. He let his eyes fall closed and took a deep breath. The scent of the salt hit his nose quickly and, for the first time in three days, he felt just the twinges of that familiar comfort the ocean had always provided him. 

 

The corners of his lips lifted in a small, barely there smile and there, in the middle of the Atlantic on the boat he shared with his brother, he felt the turmoil in his heart ease just a bit.

 

* * *

Killian’s bunk on the ship was small, barely able to fit one person comfortably, but it was all he needed. They’d arrived in Boston an hour prior and, after docking in the harbor, Liam had left to retrieve the two of them some dinner. Eager to chat with his lad, he’d barely rattled off what he wanted to eat to Liam before retreating to his quarters and turning on his phone.

 

They hadn’t had service out on the water so he’d been unable to facetime with Nate which meant he hadn’t seen his son in four days, hadn’t seen his smile, hadn’t heard his laugh, and he  _ missed him _ . Four days was too bloody long.

 

Tapping on Emma’s name quickly, the familiar ring filled the room as he waited for the video call to connect. His heart fluttered in excitement and his mouth curled into a smile. He’d forgotten what it was like to feel excited for something, he’d forgotten what it was like to feel something other than despair, and he felt himself relax into his bunk. He was nowhere near healed, but perhaps,  _ perhaps _ , he was on his way there. Perhaps...

 

“Papa!!!” Nate’s voice shrieked from the speaker of the phone as face filled the screen. 

 

“Nate.” He breathed out his son’s name, the smile on his lips growing wider as the corners of his eyes crinkled. He could see Emma’s torso from behind Nate, but all he could focus on was the sight of his lad after four days without him. His thumb brushed over the portion of the screen that held Nate’s cheek and Killian felt tears prick his eyes. Nate looked… He looked so happy. His grin was wide, his blue eye alight with excitement, and his cheeks flushed. Nate looked exactly how he hoped he would. Blinking away the tears, Killian tilted his head on the pillow. “I’ve missed you, wee one.”

 

“Missed ywe too, Papa!” Nate turned his head, looking behind him at Emma, before looking back at the camera. “Auntie Em missed ywe too! But we play all day so it okay.” Nate shrugged and Killian felt himself laugh at his lad’s matter of fact tone. 

 

“Well…” Reaching up, he brushed his hair out of his eyes. “You tell Auntie Em that I miss her too.”

 

“I miss you too, but we’ll talk in a bit, Jones.” He heard Emma call out over the speaker, but the camera stayed focused on Nate. “This is your time with Nate. Enjoy it.” The picture on the phone shook as Emma shifted Nate off of her lap and kissed the top of his head. “Talk to Papa, Natey Matey. I’m going to go get your snack ready.”

 

Nate nodded his head enthusiastically and his lips grew into a toothy grin. “Otay, Auntie Em. I talk to Papa.” His gaze returned to Killian and he lifted the hand that wasn’t holding the phone to wave. “Hi, Papa!”

 

Warmth settled into Killian’s chest as he gazed at his lad in wonder. Nate had always been resilient, the last seven months had proven that, but the sheer joy radiating off of him was like a balm to the heartache he felt deep within his soul. Throughout the last seven months, he’d always worried that Nate would somehow be affected by the events surrounding him. The thought used to keep him up at night, well that and the nightmares. So each and every time his lad smiled, or giggled, or did  _ something _ to show how truly jubilant he was, Killian counted that as something to be thankful for. 

 

Shifting the phone to the other hand, Killian winked at his lad. “Hello, Nate. Tell Papa, have you had a remarkable day?”

 

“Aye, Papa.” Nate’s eyes widened in excitement. “We go to the park! Me an Auntie Em an Mary Marget an Bwen! I go down the slide n Auntie Em push on the wings. Then...” 

 

Killian’s heart swelled as he listened to his son babble on about his day. This, this was exactly what he needed after his talk with Liam, after the conclusions he’d come to just hours ago. Hearing his lad talk about his activities, hearing the pure elation in his voice, was the one thing…

 

“Papa!” Nate yelled out and Killian’s eyes shot up to meet his son’s gaze. “Gwess what?”

 

“What, wee one?” He smiled and shifted on the bed.

 

“Ben talkded! He say da-da-da.” Nate’s features shifted into one of shock and awe. “It was markable, Papa.”

 

Killian closed his eyes, laughter escaped his lips as he shook his head. Nate had been so serious, so amazed, that seven month old Ben could speak that Killian couldn’t help himself. He hadn’t felt this good, this happy, in months and all it took was Ben Nolan speaking. 

 

“No, Papa.” Nate chastised from the phone screen. “It not funny. It markable.”

 

Biting the inside of his cheek, Killian forced himself to stop laughing before Nate got really upset. “Aye, that it is Nate. That it is.”

 

Nate’s head turned to the side and Killian heard footsteps enter the room before Emma’s legs appeared back on screen.

 

“Alright, Natey Matey. Time to eat, snacks ready.” Killian heard Emma speak over the line.

 

Nate grinned onto the phone and nodded his head in Emma’s direction. “Bye, Papa! I eat!” 

 

“Bye, Nate.” He lifted a hand to wave to his son. “I love you.”

 

He heard Nate call out “Lobe you too.” but the screen on the phone shifted to show the ceiling as Nate got up from where he was sitting. Groaning, Killian shifted on the bed once more and waited for Emma to get Nate set up and return. Thankfully, he didn’t have to wait long and it was only moments before she appeared, smiling, on the screen. 

 

“Howdy there, sailor.” She winked and her lips lifting into a smirk as she tilted her head and caused her long locks to shift on her shoulder. “Long time no talk. How’s the water?” Her green eyes softened as she whispered. “How’s my best friend?”

 

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It should’ve been easy to answer her question, to let her know how he was feeling. She was the one person he’d truly divulged everything to over the last seven months. Well, almost everything. It should have been easy. But, it wasn’t…

 

Emma had spent the last seven months worried about him. She’d spent that last seven months making sure he was okay, making sure Nate was okay, and making sure neither of them felt unwanted. She’d been his anchor, his everything. 

 

Explaining to her that he was still healing, that it still felt like his heart was missing from his chest, wasn’t something he really wanted to do. He wanted to be better for Nate, but also for Emma. And himself, he certainly wanted to be better for himself as well. 

 

“Killian?” Emma’s questioning voice echoed in his otherwise empty quarters. “I’m sorry. We can talk about something else, about  _ anything  _ else.”

 

Her eyes were full of regret and he felt his stomach twist. Even after all this time, she was still trying to protect him, still trying to ease his pain. Suddenly, he remembered the words she’d spoken to him the first time she’d begged him to open up.  _ Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it is killing us to let go _ .  He’d spoken the same words to her after Neal had left her, and again after Walsh, and right now those words could not have been more true. 

 

“No.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s fine, Emma. I’m…” His voice was a low murmur and he heard it tremble lightly. “I’m learning that I need to let go of what is killing me. I’m learning to let go.”

 

Emma nodded her head and and wiped her eyes. “That’s all we can do, Killian.”

 

The weight that had settled on his chest seemed to lessen just slightly as Emma smiled softly in his direction. Bloody hell. How did he get so lucky to have a wonderful woman as Emma for his best mate? Anyone else would have abandoned him months ago, but not Emma. No, she was still here and he knew she always would be.

 

“I wanted to thank you, Emma.” He whispered the words, his voice thick with emotion. “For the last seven months, for the last twenty-two years really. I would’ve never made it through this without you, love.”

 

She shrugged her shoulders. Her lips lifted into a barely there smile and her gaze shifted away from him for a moment before returning. “It was nothing, Killian. That’s what friends are for.”

 

Her reaction wasn’t quite what he expected, but it wasn’t enough for him to draw attention to it. She’d always been a private person, one who wasn’t quite comfortable being the center of attention. Perhaps she was just embarrassed by his praise. 

 

“Regardless…” He started, only for the sound of Emma’s doorbell to interrupt him.

 

Her eyes widened in surprise. Her head twisting to look toward the door and then back to the phone screen quickly. “I’m sorry, Killian. Ruby is coming over to watch a movie with Nate and I. I have to go, I’ll be sure to call you before Nate goes to bed tonight.”

 

Ignoring the disappointment settling into his chest, he nodded his head and waved her off. “It is fine, love. We will speak later. Have fun.”

 

“We will. Talk to you later.” She smiled quickly and then ended the call. 

 

His hand fell to his side as the screen on the phone turned black. He’d wished he had more time to talk to Emma, to ask how the week had gone, to ask how  _ she  _ was. Truthfully, he hadn’t only missed Nate... He’d missed Emma too. He missed the easy conversations between them, the way he didn’t have to pretend in front of her, the way they just seemed to  _ get _ each other. He missed waking up to her and Nate making breakfast in the kitchen and watching television with her in the evening. 

 

He missed Nate and he missed her. 

 

He missed his family. 

 

* * *

The moment Liam pulled into Emma’s driveway, Killian wasted no time in shoving his door open. To say he was eager to be home would be an understatement. Since leaving Boston three days ago, he’d thought of nothing except being reunited with Nate, with Emma, with his  _ family _ . So much so that his bag had been hanging loosely off his shoulder since the second they pulled onto Emma’s street.

 

With the door opened just enough for him to slide through, his feet hit the concrete just as the door slammed shut behind him. Passing in front of the car, his hand shot into the air and waved quickly to Liam. As he hurried up the walkway, he took note of the lights on in the house despite the late hour and grinned even wider. Perhaps they were waiting up to greet him upon his arrival. 

 

Slipping his house keys out of his pocket, he unlocked the door before pressing his palm against the cold steel and pushing gently. Stepping into the house, he dropped his bag in the still lit foyer while shutting the door behind him and engaging the deadbolt. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes as relief washed over him. He’d made it. He made it back to his lad, back to his best mate. Finally, after seven bloody days on the water, he was  _ home _ . He was home in more ways that one. 

 

Leaving his bag on the floor, his legs strode forward swiftly. He couldn’t wait to see Nate, couldn’t wait to hold him in his arms, to press his nose into his lad’s soft hair and just breath him him. He also couldn’t wait to see Emma, to see her smiling face as she gazed at him and Nate, to wrap her in his arms and thank her for everything she’d done for him. Reaching the living room, his eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks at the sight before him. 

 

The smile that formed on his lips was soft, his features full of shock as he hesitated to move a muscle. The living room was bathed in light, a banner that read ‘Welcome Home, Papa!’ hung above the television to his left. On the coffee table there were two cards standing up on their sides and, from the looks of them, he could tell they were homemade. Across the table was the couch, a couch that held a sleeping Nate who was wrapped around an equally asleep Emma. 

 

A knot formed in his throat as his mouth fell open slightly. He was speechless, honored. They’d taken the time out of their day to welcome in home in the best way possible and, from what he could decipher, they’d fallen asleep in their attempt at waiting up for him. 

 

Taking a step further into the room, a gasp escaped his lips as his gaze continued to examine the room before him. He couldn’t believe… His eyes landed on Emma sleeping on the couch holding Nate protectively in her arms. He had no doubt in his mind, no doubt in his heart, that all of this was her idea. She’d done this to remind him that he had people that cared for him, to remind him that Nate loved him, to remind him that…

 

Emma stirred, her arm tightening around Nate as she tried to shift on the couch. His breath caught in his throat as her eyebrows furrowed in annoyance before her eyes opened slightly. The moment her eyes widened, the moment her head turned toward him fully, he knew he’d been caught.

 

“Killian?” She questioned, her voice heavy with sleep.

 

“Aye, love. It’s just me.” Stepping into the room further, he moved closer to the couch.

 

Her eyes opened completely, though they were still unfocused and full of sleep. “We tried to wait on you.” She whispered, her free arm moving to comb back her hair. “We must have fallen asleep”

 

Killian shook his head and settled on the coffee table. “It’s alright. The attempt is all that matters.” He watched as she nodded her head in agreement before tilting his head toward Nate. “How about I take him and you can get into an actual, comfortable, bed?”

 

“That sounds amazing, he’s heavier than he looks.”

 

Suppressing a laugh, he stood and reached over to hook his hands under Nate’s arms. Lifting gently, he pulled his son off of Emma. Nate’s legs immediately wrapped around his waist as he wrapped his short arms around Killian’s neck. 

 

“Papa.” Nate mumbled, his head lolled onto Killian’s shoulder.

 

Dropping his nose into Nate’s hair, Killian breathed in deeply. Closing his eyes, he felt happy tears prick the corners of his eyes as contentment spread throughout his bones. Seven days was far too long to go without holding one’s child and he couldn’t be happier to be holding Nate once more. 

 

“He really missed you.” Emma, who had stood up and was standing next to him, murmured and brushed Nate’s hair out of his eyes. 

 

Killian pressed a kiss into Nate’s dark locks before lifting his head to meet Emma’s eyes. “And I, him.”

 

Emma smiled, a gentle pull of her lips and began to walk toward the steps. Turning he followed close behind. At the top of the stairs, Emma turned toward her room while he went the opposite direction toward his and Nate’s. 

 

“Killian?” He’d almost made it to the door when Emma’s voice echoed down the hallway.

 

Pivoting, he found Emma standing in front of her bedroom door. The clothes she wore, a simple pair of black skinny jeans and white cable knit sweater, were rumpled from sleeping on the couch as she worried her bottom lip. 

 

“Aye?” He questioned, his hand running slowly down Nate’s spine.

 

“Will you be okay? You know, after everything that has happened?” Her eyes were full of worry as they met his. 

 

He wanted, more that anything, to tell her he was fine, to tell her that a week away had fixed every ache in his chest, every crack in his heart, but he couldn’t. A he stood there, in her hallway with his lad in his arms, he may have felt lighter than he had in weeks, lighter than he had in  _ months _ , but he wasn’t healed. 

 

Milah’s actions, Milah’s  _ betrayal _ , had left scars everywhere. She’d broken him in ways he’d never imagined, ways he never dreamed. A week away couldn’t fix him. Bloody hell, he didn’t even know if  _ months _ would fix him. His hand came up to rub his eyes and he took a deep breath before exhaling. But…

 

The trip had not been without its merits. His talk with Liam had led to some startling revelations for him. The fact of the matter was… He may not be healed, may not be fixed, but he also was not the same state he’d left the house in seven days ago. And that was reason enough to be hopeful. 

  
“Eventually...” He whispered, the corners of his lips turned up slightly. “I think I just might be.”


	9. Chapter 9 - Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: First off, I wanted to thank you all for being so patient with me. I wish I could say life has slowed down a bit, but I would be lying. The beginning of the school year is always hectic for me and this year is no exception. My five year olds also started kindergarten so we, as a family, are now waking up at 6 am to get them going and on the bus in time before a long day of work myself. As if that wasn't enough, my son has recently been diagnosed with social anxiety and several vision issues that will require vision therapy for at least a year. This is the same one that started kindergarten this year and is having a hard go of it, gee I wonder why?! That being said, for the time being I will be unable to update weekly. My plan is every two weeks. Unless, of course, I find a day or two free that will allow me to write ahead. But I won't hold my breath. Again thank you all for your patience and understanding. I truly appreciate it.
> 
> I also appreciate all of the enthusiasm for this little fic of mine. Every review and every kudo make me so unbelievably happy!
> 
> This fic would not be half of what it is without my lovely beta team of o-u-a-timer and the-lady-of-misthaven. They push me and make me a better writer and I love them both to pieces.
> 
> Now that all of the boring business is out of the way, how about we check in with Emma and those pesky feelings she's developed?
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT and/or its characters.

Emma gripped the black straw between her fingers and stirred the rum in the glass slowly. Normally she wasn’t one to hit the bar right after work, more often than not she preferred going straight home and spending her evening quietly with Killian and Nate, the only problem was that tonight was anything but a normal night. No, tonight was… Releasing the straw, she reached for her cell phone sitting next to the glass on the bar and pressed the button to light the screen. 5:30 pm. A sigh escaped her throat. 

 

Right now, at this moment, Killian and Nate were arriving at the courthouse for their weekly visit with Milah. That was why she was at the bar, that was why she’d called Mary Margaret and asked if she wanted to get together. She didn’t want to think about Killian in the same room with Milah, about how they used to be a family, or about how Killian was still very much in love with Milah. 

 

Rolling her eyes, she shoved the phone away from her in disgust. She shouldn’t be upset by this, upset that Killian was taking  _ his _ son to see his  _ mother _ for her weekly visit. She shouldn’t care that once a week, Nate spent an hour with Milah and Killian. She  _ shouldn’t _ care and yet...

 

Bringing the glass to her lips, she downed the amber liquid and dropped the glass back to the bar’s surface. Inclining her head, she caught Ruby’s eye from her place at the other side of the bar and pushed her glass forward gently to indicate she was ready for a refill. Seeing Ruby in understanding, Emma allowed her head to fall forward. Raking her fingers through her locks, she massaged her scalp gently in an attempt to ease the tension there. 

 

Killian had been back a month, one whole month, and things… things were just as they had always been. A part of her was thankful for that A part of her simply loved having her friend back, loved hearing him laugh, loved seeing him smile. A part of her was happy simply because he was happy. The other part of her though… the other part of her was struggling with keeping everything normal, with hiding her feelings. 

 

Seeing Killian everyday, making dinner with him, helping him plan Nate’s second birthday party that was only four months away, all of those things used to be so simple, so easy, and now… Now, she found herself over analyzing every word, every look, every accidental touch. It was beginning to drive her crazy. 

 

The sound of the glass being filled caused her arms to fall back to her sides and she lifted her head to see Ruby standing in front of her with an eyebrow arched in Emma’s direction. 

 

“Planning on having a good night, Em?” Ruby slid the glass in her direction. “This is your second one and you’ve only been here for a half hour. Mary Margaret hasn’t even arrived yet.”

 

Her shoulder lifted in a shrug as she reached for the glass in front of her. “Why not? It is not like I have plans for tonight that I’ll miss.”

 

Crossing her arms over her chest, Ruby knitted her brows as she leaned against the shelving of the bar that held the liquor bottles. “Where’s Kill…” Her words trailed off as her eyes lit up knowingly. “Tonight is Nate’s visit with Milah.”

 

Emma opened her mouth to reply, but was cut off as Mary Margaret slid into the seat next to her. “You haven’t figured it out yet, Ruby?” she asked, placing one arm atop of the other on the bar. “Emma only asks us out when Killian and Nate have a schedule visit, otherwise she goes home to hang out with them.”

 

Emma gasped and turned her head to meet Mary Margaret’s gaze. Her friend’s lips were lifted in a teasing smile as her eyes were alight with mirth. “Mary Margaret…” Emma started, but the words died on her tongue. 

 

What was she going to do? Deny it? Mary Margaret had obviously thought this through and Ruby was more than likely connecting the dots now as well. It wasn’t like she’d made an attempt to hide why she chose Wednesday nights as her nights to visit the bar. Not really, anyway. 

 

“Okay, okay…” She held up her hands in defeat. “You caught me. I don’t like going home to an empty house on Wednesdays. I’ve gotten used to Nate and Killian being there, to spending my time with them.”

 

Ruby shrugged, her hands falling to her sides. “Now you know how I feel when Liam leaves for weeks at a time. The quiet sucks.” 

 

There was something there, something Emma picked up just under the surface of Ruby’s words. Her friend was tired of Liam’s continued absence, tired of the constant back and forth, tired of being alone all of the time. Emma could relate in a way. The week Killian was away had been hell. She’d missed his very presence in the house, missed just simply having him around. The difference between her and Ruby, though, was that Liam and Ruby were actually in a relationship whereas her and Killian… weren’t. 

 

“I’m sorry, Ruby.” Emma shifted her gaze to meet Ruby’s and smiled at her softly. “Hopefully things will be better for you two one day.”

 

Ruby’s shoulders fell further, her lips turning down in a frown. “Yeah, maybe. Someday.” Seeing someone signal from the other side of the bar, Ruby pulled herself forward and forced a smile to her lips. “Be right back, better check on the actual paying customers.”

 

Emma watched Ruby walk away before lifting her glass and taking another sip. Sitting her glass down, she angled her body to face Mary Margaret. Her eyebrows furrowed, head tilted to the side in confusion, as she took in the pure excitement, pure  _ joy _ , on Mary Margaret’s features.

 

“What?” Emma questioned as she tucked her hair behind her ear nervously.

 

“Oh, nothing.” Mary Margaret’s grin seemed to grow wider, if that were even possible. “Just wondering what is going on between you and Killian.”

 

Emma blinked, her lips parted just slightly in surprise. It felt like her heart had plummeted to her stomach. Her mind replayed the conversation since Mary Margaret had arrived, replayed all of her actions, all of the words, and nothing stood out as an indication of what Mary Margaret was suggesting. Nothing. 

 

“I don’t...” Surprise turned into frustration as her teeth clenched and she bit into her cheek. There was nothing going on between her and Killian. Nothing at all. “I have no idea what you are talking about.” Turning back toward the bar, she downed the rest of her rum before slamming the glass back on the bar top just a little too hard. “Killian and I are friends, Mary Margaret. Just friends.”

 

“Emma…” Mary Margaret’s voice was soft, gentle, as she pressed a hand into Emma’s shoulder. “I’ve known you since the moment you moved in with David. I was there the day you brought Killian home for the first time. I’ve been there through Neal, through Graham, through Walsh.”

 

Emma’s head whipped in Mary Margaret’s direction, her eyes hard and guarded. “What is your point, Mary Margaret?”

 

“My point is…” Mary Margaret’s lips pressed into a thin, knowing, line. “I’ve been there through all of it and not once did you look at those men the same way you have always looked at Killian, the same way you look at Killian now.” 

 

Emma gasped, the sound coming out of her barely parted lips as she felt her breathing increase. Her fingers tapped against the wood of the bar and she felt her gut twist violently. After years in the system, she’d thought she was better at hiding her feelings. Apparently, she’d been wrong. Apparently, Mary Margaret was far more perceptive than Emma ever assumed she was. 

 

Not that it mattered because there was no way she was going to admit to anything involving Killian. Hell, she’d only realized she had feelings for him a little over a month ago. At this point, she wasn’t even sure what exactly those feelings were and because of that she wasn’t ready, wasn’t willing, to discuss them at all. 

 

Emma’s eyebrow arched, her face slipped into a look of boredom, and she shook her head. “Mary Margaret…” Her tone was flat, controlled, as she continued. “There is no  _ look _ between Killian and I. There is nothing, nothing except friendship.” She tried to ignore the way her heart clenched at her words. Disappointment settled in her chest and she inhaled quickly in an attempt keep her emotions at bay. 

 

“Emma…” Mary Margaret began only to be cut off when Emma held up her hand. 

 

“You know what?” Emma stood, her boot-covered feet hit the floor and the stool moved backward to accommodate the movement. “I think I left something at the station.” Her fingers curled around the collar of her red leather jacket as she rounded the stool. Lifting the jacket into the air, she slid her arms through and settled it on her shoulders before scooping her hair out from underneath it. “I need to go, I’ll catch up with you another time. Tell Ruby I said thanks and I’ll see her soon.”

 

Pivoting, Emma made her way to the bar’s entrance without waiting for Mary Margaret to respond. She’d spent the last four weeks trying and failing to let go of her feelings for Killian, to let go of feelings he didn’t reciprocate. The very last thing she wanted to do was talk to Mary Margaret about them. 

 

Walking out of the door, the sun hit her face and Emma squinted. Moving quickly, Emma turned to make her way down Main Street and toward her house. Her heart felt heavy in her chest and her hand rose to rest over it. Her chin dropped, her shoulders falling in defeat. 

 

She may not have wanted to admit to Mary Margaret and Ruby that she did, in fact, have feelings for her best friend. She may have spent every moment since she’d figured out she loved Killian trying to find a way to let go of those feelings, but even she could admit that was not working. 

 

The reality of the situation was that with each passing day, with each passing moment, she spent with Killian, with Nate, she fell that much more in love with him and she knew it was only going to get worse. Wrapping her arms around her waist, around  _ herself _ , she pressed her finger into her sides hard. 

 

She spent every day with Killian, spent every evening with his arm resting on her shoulder as she leaned into him while watching a movie, she spent every morning dancing around his form while they prepared breakfast for the three of them. He was everywhere and she found herself loving every moment of it. She found herself wishing for more time with Killian, wishing for more time with Killian  _ and _ Nate. 

 

Sighing, she blinked her eyes closed and shook her head. Her feelings for Killian were not going anywhere. They’d taken root in her heart and were holding on for forever and that was the problem. Because to Killian, they were just friends and that was all they would ever be. 

 

Biting the inside of her cheek, Emma forced her eyes open and continued to walk forward. Forever may not be possible for them, not in the way she wanted, but that didn’t mean Killian would suddenly disappear from her life. No… She shook her head, huffing lightly to herself. He promised he would always be there.  _ Always. _

 

And that would have to be good enough for her. 

* * *

The hallway was dark as she closed the door behind her and fell backwards to lean against it. Dark and silent, a clear indication that Nate and Killian were in their room asleep, a clear indication that they hadn’t waited up for her, that Killian hadn’t waited.

 

Not that she should be surprised. It wasn’t the first time she’d arrived home after they’d gone to bed and it wouldn’t be the last. It was just… It felt different,  _ she _ felt different. In her mind, she knew that Killian hadn’t meant anything by not waiting up for her, but her heart… Well, that was a whole other matter. And it didn’t help that her heart was a mess at the moment.

 

After leaving the bar, she’d spent several hours wandering aimlessly around town, trying not to think about Killian while thinking about him at the same time, trying to… just make sense of it all and it seemed she had failed at doing just that.  

 

Shaking her head, she pulled herself off the door and tried to ignore the heaviness she felt in heart. She was being ridiculous, she knew this, but not seeing Killian after his, and Nate’s, visit with Milah stung more than it actually should have. Climbing the stairs, she tried to remind herself that Killian’s relationship with Milah was over. They were divorced after all and furthermore, it wasn’t any of her business. 

 

Pushing her bedroom door open, she ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. She wasn’t Killian’s girlfriend, she had no right to be upset about his relationship, or lack of one, with Milah. And yet, here she was...

 

Climbing into bed, she’d hoped that she could force her mind to relax, force her heart to let it go, and get a good night of sleep. 

* * *

Emma felt herself sigh in exhaustion, her hand pressed against the steel of her front door as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes softly.  The last twenty four hours had been rough on her, too rough. After going to bed last night, she’d hoped to put all of the emotional turmoil from yesterday behind her, hoped to wake up and start the new day fresh.

 

Only, she hadn’t actually slept. She’s spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, her mind constantly on what Mary Margaret had said, on Ruby’s knowing grin, on Killian and their _friendship._ By the time her alarm blared throughout the room, the event itself having caused her to jump into the air from her own bed, she’d been more than ready to head into work and get her mind _off_ of Killian Jones - for the first time in _weeks_. 

 

Thankfully, it was like the universe had felt sorry for her and it ended up being a pretty busy day at the station. She never thought she would be grateful for Peter Barrie and his band of juvenile delinquents, Felix and Rufio, but here she was. Their latest attempt at tagging Granny’s, the school, and the mayor’s house had turned out to be just what she needed to keep her mind off of the rest of the drama in her life. 

 

That is, until she’d arrived home to see Killian’s car in the driveway. Again, she shouldn’t be surprised. He normally made it home before she did during the workweek, so why would today be any different? And it wasn’t as though she was trying to avoid him. No, avoiding him would make it obvious that  _ something _ had changed and that… She took a deep breath her hand on the door trembling slightly.  That was the last thing she wanted.

 

Truthfully, what she wanted, what she really  _ truly _ wanted, was for things to go back to normal. She wanted her heart to stop skipping a beat every time he looked in her direction, she wanted her breath to stop catching every time he accidently touched her, she wanted to stop over thinking his every action and every move, she wanted…

 

More than anything, she wanted to be his  _ friend _ again.

 

Exhaling, her breath came out as a sigh as she mentally prepared herself to open the door and venture inside her own home. Damnit! Why couldn’t she have had to work the night shift today? It would have made things so much simplier. It would have…

 

Pushing the door open further, she stepped into the foyer of her home. As soon as the door closed behind her, as soon as she turned fully into the house, the smell of something wonderful hit her nose and she felt the corners of her lips lift just a bit. 

 

Killian was a great cook. Back in college, he’d taken some BS cooking class and found out that he had a real knack for it. That had lead to him dragging her to various cooking classes, often to Milah’s displeasure, but it had never seemed to take for her. Well, she could make breakfast. That was the one meal she  _ was _ good at. Killian, though, Killian was good at all of it. 

 

Walking further into the room, her feet hit the plush of the carpet as the kitchen came into her view on the right of her. Her eyes glanced around the wall and her vision was filled with Killian’s back as he stood in front of her stove stirring some mysterious substance in a pot. In the distance, she could hear Nate’s tiny footsteps hitting the hardwood floor of her dining room as he attempted to sing by repeating “I hungy.” off key. 

 

Her lips lifted in a smile in the same moment a giggle escaped her lips and she lifted her arm to cover her mouth with her hand. This… This was exactly what she’d come to love. The simplicity that was Nate running around her house while Killian, or she, attempted to make dinner. She might have been adopted by the Nolan’s when she was six, but she remembered what it was like to not have a family, she remembered what is was like to be alone. But being with Killian and Nate, spending her days and evenings in some semblance of a family with them, she couldn’t help how  _ right _ that felt, couldn’t help how much she  _ wanted _ that.

 

“Emma?” She could hear the smile in his voice, hear the happiness that had been absent for so long, and her grin grew even wider. 

 

Turning her head in his direction, she brought her hand up and wiggled her fingers slightly in a sheepish wave. “Hey. Sorry to interrupt. I didn’t know you were cooking tonight. Not that I am complaining, I just thought it was my turn to take care of dinner…”

 

He shrugged his shoulders, a quick rise and fall, and placed the spoon in his hand on the counter next to the stove. “Come now, love. Tis the least I could do for all you’ve done for Nate and I.” He leaned forward, a smirk forming on his lips as winked in her direction. “Besides I do not fancy a burnt meal or take out, so I took the liberty of preparing something a bit more edible.”

 

She felt her face flush as Killian continued to stare at her and she forced herself to breathe slowly. She knew he didn’t mean anything by his actions, knew he didn’t even know how they affected her, but the point was they did. They really,  _ really _ , did. 

 

Biting the inside of her cheek, she propelled herself forward until she was right in front of the bar. Her arms lifted to rest of the countertop and she attempted to make herself appear nonchalant, attempted to keep her voice free of anything but teasing. “You’ll hear no complaints from me, Jones. What are we having?”

 

Nate chose that moment to come barrelling into the kitchen, his socked feet causing him to slide directly into Killian’s legs and knock in back just slightly. 

 

“Oi, wee one! Slow down, yeah? You could really hurt yourself.” Killian crouched on his feet so his eyes met Nate’s as he held him still.

 

Emma ignored the tightness in her chest as she took in the scene in front of her. Killian was such a good father. His love for Nate knew no bounds. He would do anything,  _ everything, _ for him and watching them interact always tugged at her heart just a bit. Their relationship was something people envied, it was just one of the many reasons why she lov-

 

Her head snapped up and her hands curled into fists on the countertop. Was it impossible for her to go more than two minutes without thinking about her feelings for Killian? Since when had she become this love sick school girl? Her fingers unclenched and ran through her long hair before falling back to her side. She’d never been like this with Neal, or Graham, or even Walsh and he’d proposed to her. She’d never been like this with  _ anyone _ . 

 

Her gaze fell back to Killian and Nate as she heard Killian stand back up. His hand patted the top of Nate’s head, his unruly locks sticking up all over the place in result. 

 

“Alright, wee one.” Killian grinned as he pointed in Emma’s direction. “Off to the living room with ya. Stay out of the kitchen while Papa is cooking, aye?” 

 

Nate nodded enthusiastically. “Aye, aye, Papa! No go in kichin, dangous.” 

 

Nate twisted quickly, his tiny feet barely holding him up, before racing out of the kitchen. Laughter bubbled out of her and quickly joined Kilian’s own from his place in the kitchen. Shaking her head, she tilted it in the direction Nate went. “Sometimes, your son is too cute for words, Jones.”

 

Picking up the spoon, he pointed it at her and cocked an eyebrow playfully. “Only sometimes, love?”

 

Covering her mouth, she felt her cheeks redden once more. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest and she could hear it pounding in her ear. Fuck. She was so screwed. So completely and utterly screwed. All it took was a look, a single look, from him and she couldn’t control her body’s reaction. She couldn’t control any of it.

 

Diverting her gaze to her fingers, she shrugged her shoulders. “No. He’s adorable pretty much all of the time.” Just like his father, she thought with a twist of her heart. Forcing herself to meet his eyes once more, she pushed her arms off the countertop. “I’m going to go take a shower.” She stepped back from the bar. “Yell when dinner is done?”

 

Killian’s eyebrows furrowed, his features shifted into a look of confusion and his hand rose to scratch behind his ear. “Aye, love. Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah…” She waved him off and pivoted toward the steps. “Just want to get out of these clothes and get comfortable.”

 

She didn’t wait for a response from him. Walking quickly toward the stairs, she patted Nate’s head on the way which earned her a smile for the nineteen month old. As her feet hit the steps, as she got further and further away from Killian, from her best friend, she realized that while she may be twenty eight years old, a part of her was still very much that lost little girl she’d always been.  

 

And, what do lost girls do when they want to ignore the feelings swirling in their heart?

 

They run.

* * *

Running was something Emma had done since her days in the system. It was a habit she had tried to break, tried to let go of, after she’d been adopted. Only, it wasn’t that simple. Even after she’d come to live with the Nolans, there were days where she’d felt like she  _ wasn’t good enough _ , days where she could feel the darkness rising up in her, days where she’d rather leave them before they left her because they  _ would _ leave her eventually. On days like that it wasn’t uncommon for Ruth to find her sitting at the bus station with her bags packed and a ticket in her hand.

 

Running had always been easy, simple, and, even after all these years, it was still her first instinct. On most days, she could push that impulse down. She could ignore it and eventually deal with what was going on. It was just… this was Killian. Killian, who was her best friend, who was the one person, other than David, that she trusted the most. And, she was in love with him. 

 

So, after arriving home to Killian in her kitchen, to KIllian cooking her dinner, to Killian’s winks and flirtations, running had seemed like a pretty damn good option. The only problem was that running wasn’t really an option. Killian lived with her, he slept down the hall from her. There was no escaping him and it wasn’t like she could leave. It was her house, a house that she owned, and it would be pretty obvious she was avoiding him if she did leave. 

 

Which was why, after taking a shower, she’d had no choice but to bury her feelings as deep as she could and join him and Nate for dinner. And after dinner, when Nate had begged her and Killian to watch Peter Pan - his newest obsession after finally,  _ finally _ , letting go of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse -  she couldn’t really deny the toddler. 

 

Only now she kind of wished she had. 

 

Adjusting in her seat, Emma held her breath with the hope that she would not wake Nate who was sleeping soundly on her chest. A smile tugged at her lips when she realized his chubby fingers were tangled in her long locks, an action he’d been doing since he was a baby, and she felt warmth spread throughout her body. In the past eight months she’d come to love Nate in ways she never thought she would. He wasn’t just the son of her best friend anymore, he was something more. Something different...

 

Killian’s chuckle had her lifting her head to focus her attention on him and she ignored the way her heart skipped a beat at his profile. This, being alone with Killian while Nate slept on her chest, was exactly why she wished she had just stayed upstairs. 

 

It felt like they were a family, a real family, and right now that feeling was the last thing she wanted. Right now, she wanted to wanted to pretend like she  _ wasn’t  _ in love with Killian, she wanted to pretend like things were back to normal. 

 

Killian’s gaze left the television, his eyes flicking over to Nate as he slept on her chest and his features softened. “Seems the park wore the lad out today.”

 

Nodding in confirmation, her stomach twisted as she tried to appear as normal as possible, as she tried to hide the way she felt. “Yep. So much for a movie night, we barely got forty-five minutes in.” 

 

Her arm lifted, her fingers running slowly down Nate’s spine over the fabric of his pajamas. He really was the most precious little boy she’d ever seen. Even when he was hyper, running and laughing all through her house while leaving a trail of toys in his wake, she loved every moment she spent with him. She wouldn’t trade them for anything. 

 

Killian turned on the couch, angling his body in her direction. “Aye. If you like, perhaps I can move him to our room and we can watch something else together?”

 

His eyebrow arched perfectly on his forehead as his eyes filled with question. Her heart fluttered in her chest and she bit the inside of her cheek. She wanted nothing more than to join Killian for a movie, to spend the rest of the evening in the same way they’d done millions of times over the course of their friendship. Her head fell forward, her chin brushing against the hair of Nate’s head. She couldn’t do it, couldn’t watch a movie with him because she couldn’t spend the rest the of the evening trying to guess what his actions meant, trying to pretend they meant more than they actually did. No, it would be best if she avoided this and took the night to get herself under control again. 

 

Her head lifted and swayed from side to side slowly. “I’d love to, but I have an early morning shift at the station. I should probably head to bed myself.”

 

She watched as Killian’s shoulders fell and he ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes locked with hers and she saw confusion swirling in them. “Emma?” He questioned, his tone full of bewilderment. “It there something the matter, love? You seem a bit  _ off _ this evening.”

 

Her chest tightened and she felt herself inhale sharply. He’d noticed. He noticed the way she’d run earlier, he’d noticed how distant she was at dinner, how stiff and uncomfortable she was now. Damn it. She needed to get better at hiding what she was feeling. Especially if she wanted him to continue living with her. And, right now, she needed to convince him that she was fine, that he was worried about nothing. 

 

Schooling her face, she lifted her lips in a smile and rolled her eyes while shaking her head. “I’m fine, Jones. Just tired from work. Nothing serious.”

 

His eyes narrowed, but his body seemed to relax and she assumed he believed her. “Alright. You’d tell me if there was something else, aye?” 

 

“Yes.” She answered quickly and the shock in her eyes was real. She may be hiding what she felt for him, but she would never keep anything else from him. Ever. 

 

He stood, his fingers sifting through his hair again, and nodded his head quickly. “Good.” He took a step in her direction and it took a conscious effort to keep her eyes from widening in anxiety. His eyes fell to Nate and she realized he intended to pick the boy up and take him to their room. Dropping her hand from his back, she sucked in a breath as Killian’s fingers slid under Nate’s body and brushed against the fabric of her shirt. “Come wee one, time for bed.” His words were soft, comforting, as attempted to pull Nate off of her.

 

Nate’s fingers twisted and he gripped her hair tighter between them in a refusal to let her go. “No.” He mumbled, his voice heavy with sleep as he struggled against her chest. “No… no,  _ Momma _ .”

 

Killian stilled and her eyes widen as mouth opens slightly from the shock of Nate’s words. Her heart thumped in her chest, so fast that it felt like she couldn’t catch her breath. She never expected, never even thought that Nate… Her eyes darted to Killian. His lips were pressed into a thin line, his eyebrows bunched, and his eyes full of the sadness that she hadn’t seen present since he’d returned from his trip. 

 

Suddenly, it didn’t matter what she’d been feeling, didn’t matter that not five minutes ago she’d made up an excuse to get away from him, it didn’t matter that she was in love with him. All that mattered was trying to explain that she hadn’t, that she would  _ never _ , teach Nate to call her that. She may not like Milah, but she wasn’t trying to take her place. Not for Nate and not for Killian. 

 

“Killian…”

 

Killian shook his head and silenced her with a wave of his hand. “I need to get him to bed.” 

 

His voice sounded tight, controlled, and void of any emotion and it made her sick to her stomach. Killian had never spoken to her that way, ever, but somehow she knew he didn’t want to make a big deal of whatever he was feeling, something told her he just needed a moment to process what had just happened. 

 

She nodded and didn’t speak a word as he pulled Nate off of her, she didn’t move a single muscle as she watched him make his way up the stairs. It was when he turned the corner, when he was no longer in sight, that her eyes fell closed and her face crumpled. 

 

What a disaster this night was, a complete fucking disaster. Between her behavior and Nate’s slip up…. This all was too much. Wiping her eyes, she took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She wished… She wished she had someone to talk to, wished she had just confessed her feelings to Mary Margaret yesterday at the bar, because she honestly didn’t know what to do anymore. She didn’t know how to fix  _ this _ . She didn’t know...

 

Footsteps on the stairs forced her eyes to open and she was surprised to see Killian making his way down them and turn in her direction. She thought for sure he would take the night to process through his feelings, but she’d been wrong.

 

“Emma…” He started, his feet carrying him toward her quickly.

 

“Killian, I am so sorry.” She interrupted, her hands twisting in her lap. “I never meant for him to call me that. I would never…”

 

He sat on the couch next to her, his body angled in her direction, and interrupted her. “I know.  _ I know _ you would never have him refer to you by that title.” 

 

Relief flooded her body and she felt herself sag just slightly as a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders. Reaching out, she grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers. “Still, I am sorry. I cannot imagine how you feel hearing him call me that.”

 

Lifting his free arm, he scratched the skin behind his ear as his lips pulled into a frown. “I’ll not lie, it was a bit startling. I never even considered he would…” His arm fell to rest at his side and one shoulder lifted in a shrug. “Bloody hell, that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I am not angry, especially not when you consider how prevalent you have been in his life as of late.” His eyes found hers and he gave her a small, barely there smile. “You have always been a fairly large part of his life, love, but in the past eight months you’ve been in his life daily. You’ve been there for every bedtime, every milestone, for it all.” 

 

“I know…” She murmured while releasing their joined hands to run her fingers through her hair. “I just don’t want you to think that I am trying to replace Milah or something.”

 

“Love, I would never think that.” He assured her while leaning forward and tucking her hair behind her ear gently. 

 

Feeling the flutter in her chest, Emma forced herself to pull back and out of his space. He was too close, so close she could smell the scent of his cologne, and suddenly the tension she’d felt before was back tenfold and she knew she needed to get away from him. “Good.” She pushed the blanket off her legs. “I appreciate that.” Nodding her head, she stood up from the couch quickly. “Well, if that’s settled I’m going to head to bed.”

 

Killian stared up at her, his face full of confusion once more and pulled at the hair on the nape of his neck. She knew why he was confused, knew that he was likely thinking about her behavior earlier, but she didn’t care. Once again, she felt the rush of her feelings for him and knew that the longer she stayed, the more likely it would be for him to figure her out. After all, she had always been an open book to him and it wouldn’t be long.

 

Smiling, she didn’t give him a chance to reply before pivoting and making her way to the stairs and up them. Her head turned in the direction of Nate and Killian’s bedroom as soon as her feet hit the landing and she sighed. 

 

The truth of the matter was… When Nate had referred to her as  _ Momma _ , when he protested Killian’s removal of him from her arms, shock hadn’t been the only thing she’d felt. There was a part of her, a part that she knew she needed to ignore, that had enjoyed it. 

 

She knew that she was in love with Killian Jones, but tonight was the first time she’d realized that she wanted to be  _ more _ for Nate. She didn’t want to just be “Auntie Em.” Over the last eight months, she’d stopped looking at the toddler as her best friend’s son and started looking at him as the son she didn’t have. She’d started loving him as a mother would.

 

Turning, she made her way to her own bedroom. Her shoulders fell and she felt her chest tighten. Nate would never be her son, just as Killian would never be her husband. 

 

Some things were just not meant to be.

  
And she knew, this was one of those things.


	10. Chapter 10 - Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Once again, thank you all for being so patient with me! This chapter was like pulling teeth for me to write given everything that is still going on. Thankfully, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Hopefully that means I can get back on schedule with updating.
> 
> We are back with Killian for this one and that means a lot in the way of his progression for the story. While not a lot happens to move the CS relationship forward, Killian makes HUGE strides to get him to where he needs to be. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Thank you for every favorite, follow, and review! I love hearing what you all think!
> 
> A huge thank you goes to o-u-a-timer and the-lady-of-misthaven for the last minute beta on this one. You girls are amazing!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT and/or its characters.

Taking a deep breath, Killian curled his fingers around the steering wheel of his car until his knuckles turned white. Bloody hell. He didn't want to be here, didn't want to be at this house that held so many memories of how his life used to be, but he didn't have a choice. His eyes lifted from staring out of the windshield to glance in the rearview mirror to check on Nate in the backseat. Since the twenty-one-month-old was still in a rear facing seat, he had to use the mirror he installed on the window to see that Nate was still sleeping soundly, his head lolled to the side as he took deep, even breaths.

Nate was his entire reason for being here, for being at _this_ house that was once _theirs._ Sighing, his eyes fell to his hands on the wheel in front of him. The truth of the matter was… In the four short months since he'd returned from his trip with Liam, he'd made huge strides towards healing not only his heart, but mind as well. He no longer blamed himself for his failed marriage, for Milah's actions, or for her feelings. He knew that, at the very least, the two of them should share the blame equally and he was comfortable with that.

Closing his eyes, he forced his fingers open and let his arms fall to his sides. He could see now that his marriage to Milah hadn't been his _forever_ and that was okay. Right now, _that_ wasn't his problem. No, right now his problem was that tonight was Nate's very first unsupervised, _overnight_ visit with Milah.

And, to be bloody honest, he still didn't trust her with Nate.

But, there was nothing that could be done. Milah had met all of the requirements he'd specified in the divorce. She'd completed the once a week supervised visitations, she completed the unsupervised weekly visitations, and she'd done them both without being more than five minutes late to any of the appointments.

His jaw clenched, his fingers curling into a fist as he shook his head. It was easy to forget her crimes against him, to forget the mess that their marriage had eventually become, but it wasn't so easy to cast aside her actions toward their son. Even after four sodding months.

Lifting his arm, he combed his fingers through his hair. If it were any other night, he'd be insisting that Milah needed to wait longer. That neither he nor Nate were ready for this step. Except, this wasn't any other night. His wrist tilted, his eyes falling on the watch that rested there before groaning.

He might not trust Milah, might not want to leave Nate with her, but he had to because tonight Liam was in town. Liam was in town and he was finally, _finally_ , taking the plunge and asking for Ruby's hand after spending seven years together, but only after making her dreams come true.

Killian's lips curled into a grin as he thought about the step his big brother was about to take. Liam Jones, US Navy Lieutenant Commander, was removing himself from active duty to take up a full time post as an instructor. Ruby was getting her wish, Liam was finally coming home and this time he was staying.

Hearing Nate shift in his seat, Killian's grin disappeared and his head dropped forward. He needed to be at the bar tonight, needed to support his brother in the same manner Liam had supported him, and in order to do that he needed to leave Nate with Milah despite his lack of trust in her.

Bloody hell. He rolled his eyes in annoyance and pushed the car door open with another shake of his head. For a brief moment, he wished he'd been able to discuss his hesitation over this with Emma. He wished he'd insisted giving her a ride to the bar instead of agreeing to meet her there. She, at least, would have been able to help him process through what was going on in his head. Or, normally, she would have. Lately, though, lately she'd been unusually absent. It seemed like, more often than not, she was up and out of the house before he or Nate had opened their eyes and he was unsure when she returned nightly, but he knew it was after he'd fallen asleep.

Closing the car door softly behind him, his eyebrows furrowed and his frown deepened. Perhaps the reason Emma was avoiding the house was because she was tired of having to deal with a toddler continuously, perhaps she was tired of having them invade her home, perhaps… He shook his head as his fingers curled around the handle of the rear door. No. Emma would tell him if he and Nate were no longer welcome. They'd never kept _anything_ from each other and there was no reason she would start now.

Unhooking Nate from his seat, he pulled his lad out of the car to settle him on his waist. Nate squeezed his eyes together in an attempt to hold onto that last bit of sleep and pressed his nose Killian's shoulder.

"Papa." The toddler whined in protest, his tiny hand fisting in the fabric of Killian's shirt.

Grinning, Killian's chest filled with warmth at his lad's antics. If there was one thing that could pull him out of a dark mood, it would always be Nate. He could deal with anything life threw at him, including unsupervised, overnight visits with an ex-wife he still didn't quite trust, if it meant that Nate would be happy.

Carefully balancing his son on his hip, he reached in the car to pull out the overnight bag he'd packed. As soon as the strap of the bag was secure on his other shoulder, he rose and bumped the door close with his hip. Pivoting, his eyes landed on the door, the _red_ door, directly in front of him and he inhaled sharply. He could do this.

Tilting his head, his cheek brushed against Nate's dark locks and he sighed while exhaling. His opinion of Milah didn't matter. She deserved a chance after working so hard the last four months to prove that she wasn't going anywhere. Taking a step forward, his arm tightened around Nate's waist protectively. And Nate...

Nate deserved to have his mum in his life and, for him, Killian was willing to try.

* * *

The door closed behind him, the sound of it barely heard over the thumping of the music blaring from the speakers, and Killian felt himself sigh. The drop off with Milah had went well, or as well as could be expected with things being as they were between the two of them. Nate, of course, had been excited to see his mum once again and that had filled his heart with happiness.

Glancing around, his eyes widened slightly at the amount of people present in the small space. Though, in comparison to some of the establishments he'd visited in New York, there really were not _that_ many people in attendance. It was just more than he was used to and far more than their small group of friends would be. Smirking, he laughed quietly to himself. It seemed that Liam's plan of making Ruby close up for the evening had not been successful.

Not the he was surprised by this. He'd told Liam that the bar would remain open to the public. In fact, he knew Ruby would have insisted on it. After all, it was a Friday night and, even though Storybrooke was a small town, money was money. There would have been nothing Liam could have said or done, aside from telling Ruby his plans and ruining them, that would have changed her mind and convinced her to close.

Rolling forward, he balanced his weight onto the tips of his toes and craned his neck to scan the room. His eyes narrowed as he tried to find the location of someone he knew - Liam, Ruby, Emma, bloody hell, _anyone_ \- before shaking his head and lowering his feet back to the floor. Perhaps, he should just make his way to bar located in the center of the room.

Running his fingers through his hair, Killian took a step forward and pivoted himself around a group of what looked to be students from the university. Once around them, he continued to maneuver, twisting his body this way and that, around several other patrons before sighing in relief as his eyes caught sight of a familiar head of blonde locks he would know anywhere.

Emma.

His lips curled into a grin at the sight of her and he pushed himself through a final wall of customers with the intent of taking his usual place beside Emma and ordering his first, and only, glass of rum for the evening. Stopping in his tracks, his grin vanished from his face as he noticed that both seats next to Emma were occupied by none other than Graham Humbert and August Booth.

His shoulders fell, his lips pressed into a thin line as his jaw clenched. It was no secret that he didn't get along with the two men flanking Emma. In fact, his disposition toward them was often compared to the one Emma held for Milah. And, just like Emma did for him in regard to Milah, he only interacted with the two for Emma's benefit.

His weight shifted from foot to foot as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. It wasn't just the fact that he did not like the wankers. It was quite obvious, to everyone who was not Emma, that the journalist and private investigator only spent time with her to gain her affections… and not with the intent of a loving relationship.

Thankfully, she had yet to fall for their charms and, if he continued to have his way, she never would.

Narrowing his eyes, Killian moved forward and slipped one hand out of his pocket. Forcing a smile on his lips, his hand rose in the air to brush his fingertips across the exposed skin of Emma's shoulder leaving goosebumps in his wake.

Her body stiffened, her head swinging in his direction so quickly he barely had enough time to step back so she could see him fully. Her eyes were hard, anger coursing through them at the idea of being touched by a stranger, as they fell on him and he stomach twisted nervously. Perhaps he should've announced his presence before touching her?

He knew the very moment she realized it was him who'd touched her, him and not some random wanker at the bar, because all of the anger left her eyes as they filled with joy. Her body relaxed, lips curled into a large, almost _too_ large, smile and his breath caught in his throat.

It was no secret that Emma was a bloody beautiful woman. He may be her best mate, but he wasn't blind. No. Any man would be lucky to have a woman as beautiful, as beautiful _and_ as intelligent, as Emma Nolan. Tonight, though… tonight she looked… _Bloody hell._

Her hair was curled into loose waves that fell gently over her shoulders and brushed against the skin of her bare back. The top, the _backless_ top, hugged her curves and from what he could see of her dark wash jeans, those did too. Her make-up was light, natural, and highlighted her natural beauty. Blinking quickly, his head tilted slightly as his mouth opened slightly. She looked breathtaking.

"Killian?" She questioned, her eyebrows bunching together in confusion when he did not speak right away.

Shaking his head, his lips lifted quickly as his hand gestured in her direction. "Apologies, love." He winked, a teasing glint in his eye now that his senses had returned. "Seems I've forgotten how utterly beautiful you are after seeing you so often in sweatpants and oversized shirts around the house."

Emma rolled her eyes, her head shaking in disbelief. "Thank you so much for the compliment, Jones. If you could call that a compliment."

"Anytime, Nolan." He took a step forward, his eyes dropping to meet hers. "You know I love you."

"I know." She whispered, her smile faltering as something flashed through her eyes. Before he had a chance to question her, before he had a chance to identify the look in her eyes, her smile had returned and a small giggle escaped her lips. "Okay, Jones, want to join me for a drink?"

Making a mental note to ask her about the moment later, he allowed his eyes to shift between the two men, who had pointedly ignored him since he'd announced his presence, sitting next to her.

"Seems you've got company, love." His words came out tighter than he'd intended, which was surprising.

Bumping her shoulder first into Humbert and then Booth, she threw a wink in his direction. "Graham and August won't mind if you join us, right guys?"

Both men turned their bodies toward him, the looks on their faces clearly indicating they wanted just about anything _other_ than that.

"Sure, Emma." Graham stated as Emma glanced in his direction. "The more the merrier."

"Yeah, join us, Jones." August added, his eyes drilling holes into Killian before he turned to Emma with a smile on his lips. "Whatever makes Emma happy."

Emma smiled, her head turning back in his direction and he felt his hands curl into fists. He wanted to spend time with Emma, to catch up after weeks of her being absent, but he had no desire to share her with those two sodding wankers, no desire to watch as they attempted to court her right in front of his eyes. The thought of it made his stomach lurch as nausea set in.

"You know what, love…" He started, an excuse settling on his tongue. "I think…"

"EXCUSE ME!" The sound of Liam's voice caused Killian to trail off, his attention suddenly no longer on Emma.

Turning his body away from Emma toward the sound of Liam's voice, Killian had a clear blue of his brother standing a top of the bar. He was dressed in his naval uniform, indicating that he'd only recently arrived back in town and had come straight to the bar without changing. Knowing what was coming next, Killian felt his heart speed up in anticipation.

A hand on his arm caused his attention to shift from his brother and return to focus on Emma who was standing at his side.

"Is this it?" Emma questioned, her eyes alight with excitement.

"Aye." He nodded, his gaze landing back on his brother. "I believe so."

Emma bounced in her place next to him and he tapped his fingers against the fabric of his jeans. The excitement that bubbled out of her was contagious and he couldn't wait to see his brother take the next step in his happy ending.

"I was wondering…" Liam continued as his eyes scanned the crowd in front of him. "If my lovely lass would join me at the bar. Ruby? Where are you, love?"

Commotion could be heard as every person in the bar turned their head in search of Ruby. Half a second later, Killian could see the majority of the patron's heads tilt to the left and he assumed she'd been found.

The moment Ruby was close enough, Liam reached out and she slipped her hand into his. Allowing him to guide her, Ruby joined Liam on the bar. Killian's smile grew as Ruby glanced around the room nervously before tucking her hair behind her ears.

"I can't believe he's really doing this." Emma murmured, her voice full of wonder at the scene in front of her.

Turning his head quickly in her direction, Killian felt his chest expand at the pure glee her features held. "Aye. Although, some would say it is long overdo."

Without waiting for her to respond, he turned his attention back on the couple in front of him. Liam was now down on one knee, one hand holding Ruby's loosely, as he spoke only to her. Liam had abandoned speaking to the room. His words were only for Ruby to hear, as they should be. Every person in the bar waited, waited with baited breath, to see what would happen, to see if Ruby would agree to become the next Mrs. Jones.

Liam pulled the ring out, his hand visibly shaking in nervousness, and Ruby's lips fell open in shock. The moment she nodded, the moment Liam popped up from his knee to wrap his arms around Ruby's waist and pull her toward him, the moment their lips touched, the room exploded in applause.

"She said yes." Emma whispered, her voice barely detectable over the excitement of the crowd. Her head fell to his shoulder, his arm slipped around her waist and he unconsciously pulled her further into his side.

"Indeed, she did." He replied, his tone wistful and soft.

Looking around him, around a room full of people celebrating the engagement of two people he loved dearly, he expected to be upset. He expected the despair, the very same thing he'd spent the last several months fighting, to return. His marriage had failed, it had ended, but it wasn't too long ago he and Milah had been in the very same position Liam and Ruby were in now.

It wasn't so long ago that he'd thought he'd found his happy ending as well, only to have it ripped out from under him.

"Are you okay?" Emma lifted her head, pulling it back to meet his eyes with her own. "I mean, this must be hard for you with everything…"

Lifting his hand, he tucked a stray lock behind her ear and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm…"

He stopped, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. The truth of the matter was… He felt fine. His heart was light, full of excitement for what was ahead for his brother and Ruby. There was no sadness, no pain for what he'd lost, no anger for what Milah had done, there was nothing….. Nothing except peace, peace and contentment.

Standing in the middle of the bar, his arm wrapped tightly around Emma, around his _person_ , he felt ready. He was ready to let it all go. It had taken him ten months, ten long _painful_ months, but he was finally ready to move on.

The corners of his lips lifted and the corners of his eyes crinkled. Blinking, he nodded slowly to Emma whose emerald eyes stared up at him full of worry. Squeezing her waist gently, he leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers.

"You know what, love…" He murmured, his tone full of nothing but wonder. "I am, I truly am."

Smiling softly, Emma wrapped her arms around his waist as music, a nice _slow_ song, filled the bar once more. Anchoring her to his chest, he curled his other arm around her just as her head found its place on his chest. Slowly, he began to move them both a gentle sway to the music as as the rest of the world disappeared from around them.

His chest expanded as he realized how far he'd actually come, how much he'd _healed_ , and it was all because of the woman in in arms.

It was all because of Emma Nolan.

* * *

The first thing Killian noticed as the door to Granny's closed behind him was the splitting grin on Liam's lips as he stared down at the menu. He'd never seen his brother so happy, so purely elated, while doing such as simple task as picking out his lunch. There was no question in his mind as to what the source of said happiness was, especially given the events of the night previous.

He'd been just as happy when Milah had agreed to become his wife, just as eager. He only hoped that the same fate that had met his marriage did not befall Liam and Ruby's. Not that he expected it would. The issues, the selfishness, that had surrounded his marriage were simply not present in the relationship his brother had with Ruby. No… Ruby and Liam were for forever. He had no doubt about that.

Arriving at the booth where Liam sat, Killian braced his hands on the tabletop before sliding into the bench. Liam's head jerked up suddenly, his blue eyes, eyes that gleamed with merriment, met Killian's own just as he settled himself in his seat.

"Killian." Even Liam's voice sounded different. It was lighter somehow, full of excitement for what was to come in his life, for what lie ahead.

A small smile lifted Killian's lips as he marveled at how genuinely happy he was for Liam. Just a couple of months ago, four months to be exact, this would have devastated him. Liam and Ruby's happiness, their love, would have gutted him, broken him even more than he already was. It would have…

Killian tilted his head toward Liam, his mouth curling into a true smile. It wasn't four months ago and he was tired of living in the past, tired of living in the what-ifs. He'd come a long way since that day, since he'd found Milah in bed with Gold, and, even though he still had quite the journey ahead of him, he was finally ready to face that journey. He was finally ready to move on and to move forward and he was going to start by being happy for his brother.

He was going to start by being happy, period.

"Hello, brother." His fingers tapped the table as he pulled a menu in his direction. "Tell me, how was the first evening being an engaged man?"

Liam laughed, his smile widening more than Killian thought possible as the sound echoed throughout the room. "Perfect, little brother. Bloody perfect."

Killian's breath caught in his throat. He remembered that feeling, the feeling of being on top of the world, of having the person he loved agree to spend her life with him. He remembered it like it was yesterday and, for just a brief moment, he wondered if he would ever feel that way again.

Forcing himself to breathe, to let that moment go and trust that he would eventually get there, which was something Emma consistently reminded him to do, he focused his attention back on his brother.

"And Ruby?" He questioned, his head tilting to the side. "I assume she is just as happy as you are."

"More so." Liam smirked knowingly as he settled back in his seat.

"Hmm." Killian studied his brother's feature, studied the way his eyes lit up, the way his lips pressed together as if he were trying his hardest not to speak. He was hiding something, the question was… what was it? "How so?"

Liam leaned forward, his elbows bracing themselves on the table in front of him as he met Killian's eyes. "She wants to get married as soon as possible, Killian. Next weekend, to be exact. I've got a month before I report to the new position and she wants to spend it as husband and wife."

"Next weekend?" Killian blinked, his lips falling open in shock. When he'd come to have lunch with Liam, something they always did they day after Liam returned home, he would have never guessed that this would be what they discussed. But, _bloody hell_ , he couldn't be happier.

"Aye." Liam confirmed, that grin still present on his face. "And I need you to be my best man, Killian. I can't get married without you, without my brother, by my side."

His heart expanded, his face shifted into a look of disbelief. Inhaling, he felt tears, _happy_ tears, prick the corners of his eyes. His brother was the one person in his life, the one person other than Emma and Nate, that truly mattered to him. That fact that Liam wanted him, him over all of his other Navy friends, was an honor.

"Of course." His voice was hoarse, full of emotion, as he lifted a hand to wipe his eyes. "I'd be honored, Liam."

"Good." Liam murmured quietly and nodded, his eyes filled of affection as he sat back in the booth. " _Perfect_." He added before picking up the menu to indicate that, now that the important items had been discussed, he was ready to order.

Wiping his eyes one last time, Killian picked up the menu and glanced over it. Next weekend. He had two weeks to help plan a wedding, two weeks to make everything perfect.

His brother was getting married and Killian was ready to move forward after all the heartache of the last several months.

Everything was finally, _finally_ , falling into place.

* * *

Killian's eyes scanned the expanse of the room as he leaned back against the bar, his feet crossed at his ankles, and nursed his rum. Next to him, his suit jacket hung off of the stool Emma had chosen to place her purse and Nate's diaper bag in. Reaching up, he loosened the navy blue bow tie around his neck and sighed in relief, both from the tie and the knowledge that all of the work he'd done over the past two weeks had paid off.

The wedding had taken place right at sunset on The Jolly Roger and, just as he'd promised, Killian had acted as best man. Ruby, on the other hand, refused to select a maid of honor citing that she could not, and would not, choose between Mary Margaret and Emma which surprised no one. The bride wore a simple white gown made of lace while Liam selected a grey suit with a navy blue vest and bow tie. Nate had made the cutest ring bearer, his little suit making him look much older than that he was.

To his left, out of the corner of his eye, he could see Liam and Ruby dancing. Liam, who it seemed had also lost his tie, had one of his arms around his new bride's waist while the other one was holding her hand. Ruby's position matched Liam's, only her eyes were closed while her head rested lightly on Liam's chest. Both of them looked the happiest Killian had ever seen them, and that made all of the madness of the last two weeks worth it.

Swirling the glass in his hand, his lips lifted in a wistful smile. Liam and Ruby deserved all of the happiness in the world and he was genuinely proud to have helped them have their perfect day. Lifting his glass to his lips, he allowed a sip of the amber liquid to flow past his lips. His drinking had slowed immensely over the past several weeks and, even though this was the celebration of his brother's wedding, he had no desire to wake up and be required to take care of a toddler with a hangover.

Lowering the glass from his lips, he nodded briefly to Mary Margaret and David as they danced their way past him on the dance floor. It wasn't often the couple got to have a night on their own, little Benjamin was only ten months old after all, so they were trying to make the best of it. It also helped that the Widow Lucas, Ruby's grandmother, had whisked the young lad off after the ceremony while leaving direct instructions for his parents to "act like they were fifteen again."

He bowed his head, shaking it at the thought of David or Mary Margaret acting like they were fifteen. Bloody hell, even when they _had_ been fifteen they rarely acted as though they were. They'd always been the mature ones of the group, even as teenagers.

A flash of blonde caused his eyes to shift to another part of the dance floor. His heart fluttered in his chest as Emma came into view. Her normally long locks were twisted into a braided crown that was more fit for a ball at at castle than a simple wedding. The blue of her bridesmaids dress contrasted her pale skin perfectly and she looked like a modern day Cinderella.

She looked beautiful, simply stunning.

His chest expanded, warmth spreading throughout his body, as he noticed Nate in her arms. His little lad had his legs wrapped around her waist while his arms hung loosely at his sides. His head was resting on her chest, eyes closed in contentment, as Emma, her chin tucked so her cheek brushed the hair atop Nate's head, swayed slowly to the music filling the room.

His breath caught in his throat. There was just something about seeing Nate in Emma's arms, about seeing Emma stare down at Nate with nothing but affection in her eyes, that had his heart twisting in his chest. He knew Emma was not Nate's mother and he would never want to replace Milah's place in Nate's life. After that one slip up a couple of months ago, he and Emma had made a point of reminding Nate that Milah was, in fact, his mother. It was just…

Other than Liam, Emma was the only person he considered family. She was the person he'd run to when his life had fallen apart and she was the one that had slowly helped him piece it back together again. It made sense that Emma and Nate had a special bond, that they shared a bond similar to one a mother and son would share.

Nate hadn't even been a year old when things with Milah had fallen apart and he'd spent nearly a year living with Emma and seeing her daily. In many ways, Emma was more involved with Nate's life than Milah was even with the new overnight visitations. And seeing her with Nate, seeing the way Nate loved and adored Emma, seeing the way Emma returned that love with a love of her own…

Emma Nolan was his best mate, but over the last ten months their relationship had become so much more than just that. They'd become a family, a real family, and it was everything he ever wanted for his son. It was everything he ever wanted for himself.

Pulling himself off the bar, he twisted to set his drink down before turning to make his way toward Emma. She likely heard him walking in that direction, because as he got closer her head lifted to meet his eyes and she stopped dancing.

"Hey." She murmured once he was within earshot. "I think the long day wore him out."

Nodding in agreement, he reached out and brushed a stray piece of hair out of Nate's eyes. "Aye, want me to take him?"

She shook her head, her eyes falling back toward Nate. "He's fine. I'm used to it by now." She pressed her lips into Nate's locks gently. "Besides, I kind of like dancing with my little man even if he is sleeping."

Without thinking, his hand reached out clasped the hand that was not holding Nate. "Well, love, how about a dance with his papa?"

Emma's lips fell open, a small gasp escaped as her eyes bore into his. He's been just as surprised as her when the words left his mouth, but now that they had he realized he wanted nothing more than to dance with her and his lad, to dance as a family.

Tilting his head, his eyebrows arched in question as he tugged lightly in her arm. "Dance with me, Emma? Dance with Nate and I?" His tone was soft as he waited with baited breath for her answer.

"Yes." She whispered a mere second later and that was all the permission he needed.

His lips widened, his teeth showing in a huge smile, as he pulled her toward him. It was awkward for a moment as they tried to figure out where to place their hands given the toddler between them. Eventually, they settled on Emma angling her body slightly so she could rest her head on his chest the same way Nate was on her's. Her free arm wrapped around his side where their bodies touched. One of his arms settled over hers to wrap around her waist while the other lifted and settled on Nate's back.

Swaying slowly, his eyes settled on the two people in his arms and his chest fill with several emotions at one time. Ten months ago, he never thought he would be here, never thought he would be at his brother's wedding holding two of the three most important people in his life. He never thought he would be ready for the next chapter in his life, never thought he would be happy with the path his life had taken, he never thought he would be over the woman he believed was the love of his life.

But he was. He really truly was.

Holding Emma and Nate, holding his _family_ , in his arms, Killian Jones felt something he never expected to feel again.

Hope.


	11. Chapter 11 - Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally, this is complete. I swear it was like pulling teeth to get this one written. But after a stay in the hospital with nothing to do but force myself to write, I am done. I cannot apologize enough for the time between updates. Fall and asthma plus two little ones with asthma mean everyone in my house is constantly sick.
> 
> Anyway, hopefully the next one won't take to long to get out. Thank you all for all of the kudos and comments. I love reading each and every one of them.
> 
> Also, one of my regular betas was unavailable to get this out today but I didn't want to make you all wait any longer so I am posting it without her help. Thank you to the-lady-of-misthaven for the quick once-over though (even if she said there was too much angst - how is it possible to have TOO much angst is something I will never understand ;-P)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy and have a fabulous ONCE day!

Wiggling her toes in the warm sand, Emma's lips lifted in a bright smile at the sight of Nate playing with Mary Margaret and little Benjamin in the water. They were not that far in front of her, close enough that she could hear Nate's happy squeal as the tide came in, hit his tiny form, and splashed him lightly in the face. As the water receded, she watched Mary Margaret sit in the sand and place the now one-year-old Benjamin in her lap so he could splash around safely.

It was hard to believe that her nephew was a year old, hard to believe that the tiny little baby her brother brought home from the hospital last August has just celebrated his first birthday last last weekend. To top that off, Nate would be turning two in just a month. It seemed like just yesterday Killian had told her he was going to be a father and even less since she'd met the tiny human who would have such an impact on her life for the first time.

It was hard to believe how fast time had flown, how much things had changed. It was hard to believe that Killian and Nate had been living with her for a year. A giggle escaped her mouth as she watched Nate run circles around Mary Margaret and Ben, who was so excited his hands were flapping wildly in the air, while pretending he was a pirate. A whole year they'd been there and it was the best year she'd had in quite a long time.

The wind picked up, causing Nate's hair to lift and twist wildly in the air and her breath caught in her throat. In that moment, and many more moments as of late, Nate looked even more like his father. It was like the older the toddler got, the more he took after Killian. Not that she should be surprised, all of the Jones boys resembled each other in one way or another. For a moment she wondered how strong her genes were, wondered how a child with….

Forcing her eyes closed, she bit the inside of her cheek hard. She needed to stop doing this. Stop wondering, stop dreaming, stop _thinking_. Wasn't that what today was about? A nice beach day with her friends and Nate since Killian was heavy into editing at home. A nice, _simple_ , day to keep her mind off of Killian and her feelings for him.

Hearing Ruby roll over next to her, Emma abandoned her thoughts and glanced quickly over to her friend just in time to see Ruby lift her hand to shield her eyes from the sun.

"Nice nap?" Emma questioned with a quirk of an eyebrow.

Ruby rolled her eyes and shook her head. "It was, until I kept hearing Nate squeal every five seconds." Shifting slightly, Ruby forced all of her weight onto her arms and pushed herself up into a sitting position. "I love the kid to death, but I think he loves the water more than both Liam and Killian _combined._ "

"He's definitely a Jones." Emma shrugged her shoulders quickly, an amused grin on her lips once more. "Just wait until you and Liam have one of your own. I bet…"

"Woah, woah, there Emma Nolan." Ruby's eyes widened as she lifted her hands and shook them in front of her. "No baby talk here. We've only been married two months and I'd like to simply enjoy having my husband around more often before adding a baby the mix."

Hearing a cry from in front of her, Emma ignored Ruby's comment and jerked her head forward as fear gripped her chest. Frantically, her eyes searched for the familiar mop of dark hair that belonged to Nate and she sighed in relief as her gaze locked on him. From the outside, Nate appeared to be fine. He'd stopped running and planted himself directly in front of Mary Margaret, who had lifted a crying Ben out of the water and on her chest. His head was tilted to the side, his blue eyes full of concern for the crying baby in front of him as watched Mary Margaret stand.

"I'll be right back, Ruby." She muttered quickly while pushing her body off the sand. She could still hear Benjamin crying, his tiny fists lifted to rub his eyes roughly as his mother attempted to calm him down while still trying to keep an eye on Nate in front of her.

"What wrong wit Benny, Marget?" She heard Nate ask, his voice laced with concern, as she arrived and stood next to Nate.

Mary Margaret continued to bounce Benjamin on her chest, her hand patting his back in comfort. "He's okay, Nate. Just got a little salt water in his eyes and now they burn, I think."

Nate's eyes shifted from Ben and Mary Margaret and landed on Emma, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. "Will he be otay, Auntie Em?"

"Of course." She assured him as his arm reached out and his tiny hand entwined with her larger one. "We'll just give him a break from the water and let his eyes settle." She glanced to Mary Margaret to see if she was on board with what she was saying and her friend nodded gratefully in her direction. Turning her gaze back to Nate, her face lit up in excitement. "Tell you what, why don't we go sit with Aunt Ruby and you can show her your awesome sand castle skills I know your papa taught you."

Nate's eyes lit up with excitement as he bounced on the balls of his feet. "Sand castle! Sand castle!" He dropped her hand and ran in the direction of Ruby who was waving to let him know where she was.

Turning back toward Mary Margaret, she was relieved to see that Benjamin's cries had stopped even though he was still rubbing his eyes. "Is he okay?" She questioned with a tilt of her head.

Her friend brushed a light kiss a top of Benjamin's blonde locks before meeting her eyes. "He'll be fine. It's my fault. I'd been lifting him every time the tide came in to avoid it splashing in his eyes, but I was distracted by Nate and forgot. Thanks for coming to help though." They both turned to make their way back to their spot on the beach.

"Not a problem." She lifted her shoulders before dropping them quickly. "He is my responsibility after all. I'm the one…"

"EMMA!"

Her words trailed off as she heard her name called urgently to the left of her. Stopping her progression forward, she sighed as her stomach fell in disappointment. She really hoped this wasn't someone who needed her assistance. It was her day off, one of two she got every week and all she wanted to do was hang out with her friends and Nate. Of course she would help if she was needed, but she really hoped she wasn't.

"Emma!" The person called out again and her eyes narrowed as she tried to place the voice. It was one she'd heard before, several times in fact...

Twisting her head in the direction of the voice, she was surprised, surprised _and_ relieved, to see Graham jogging in her direction. Her eyebrow arched slightly as her eyes fell on the hard planes of his chest, the chiseled six pack of his abs, and way his swim trunks hung low on his hips. He looked… good. Hell, he always looked good. She'd just never been interested. She wasn't interested now, especially because of Kill...

"Graham." She stated with a nod as he stopped directly in front of her.

"'Ello, Emma. Mary Margaret. Little Benjamin." He nodded in her direction before ducking his head as he scratched behind his ear.

It was the same nervous tick Killian had, the same one she found so endearing, the same… Forcing a smile to her lips, she blinked several time in an attempt to clear her head. She needed to stop thinking about Killian like she actually had a chance with him when she clearly... didn't.

"Fun day at the beach, lass?" Graham asked her as his eyes locked with hers.

Nodding, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Yeah. David's working today and Liam's tending to the bar for Ruby. Killian was working also, so the girls thought we would bring the kids to the beach for the day." She tilted her head toward Ruby and Nate building a sand castle.

"So Killian's not around then?" He questioned, his eyes searching the area for the person in question.

Her lips pressed into a thin, annoyed, line. Hadn't she just said that? And, why did it matter if Killian was there or not? Why…

"Emma." Mary Margaret spoke up from behind her and Emma twisted her neck to look at her friend. "I'm going to go join Ruby and Nate. Benjamin is getting a little hungry and I figure we could get a head start in lunch. I'll just… leave you two to talk, I guess?"

The question at the end of the sentence was intentional, Emma knew that. Mary Margaret wanted to make sure Emma actually _wanted_ to talk to Graham and, to be honest, it wasn't that she didn't. It was just…

"That sounds fine." She smiled brightly. "Tell Nate I'll be there in a second."

Mary Margaret nodded and Benjamin, who was much happier than five minutes ago, pulled on her hair lightly as she walked off. Watching them go, Emma bit her lip suddenly unsure if she really wanted to be alone with Graham after all.

"Do you have him often?" She heard Graham question gently.

Turning her head back in his direction, she furrowed her eyebrows. "Who? Nate?"

He nodded swiftly. "He's Killian's boy, correct? Do you watch him often?"

Emma shifted her weight from foot to foot as she tried to figure out how to explain her relationship with Nate, and Killian, to Graham. "I mean…" She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess. If Killian needs me to watch him." She twirled a lock of hair around her finger nervously. "I mean Milah is around more often now, but Killian has a deadline and it is his weekend and I was free. I mean, Killian and Nate…" She bit her lip, a sharp pain shot through it and she released it quickly. "They are my family, you know… they…"

"Woah, Emma." Graham held up his hands as he interrupted her. "You don't have to explain. Everyone knows how close you and Killian are. I was just trying to make conversation."

"Oh." Her eyes fell to the ground. "Sorry." She lifted her eyes and shot him a sheepish look. "Nate and Killian are important to me." She added as if that explained everything and in a way it did, at least to her.

"Well…" Graham's eyes glanced over to where Nate was now playing with Benjamin. "He seems like a great lad."

Emma followed his gaze and a real smile formed on her lips as she watched Nate's head fall back and laughter escaped. Nate was more than great. He was perfect. He was… Her smile fell, he wasn't hers and neither was….

"Yeah." She agreed, her eyes finding Graham's once more. "He's pretty awesome."

Graham nodded and took a step in her direction to bring their bodies closer. "Look, Emma." He licked his lips, drawing the bottom one in just slightly. "I was wondering, and I know I've asked several times and I promise this will be the last time…"

Annoyed, Emma pressed her lips into a thin line. She knew immediately what this was. It was what is _always_ was with Graham, with August, with anyone who wasn't Killian Jones. And normally, she would have stopped him right where he was. Normally, she would have smiled gently, held her hand up, and let him down easy. Normally, she wouldn't have been interested.

But the last several months had been anything but normal.

Opening her eyes, Emma stared into the blue eyes, eyes so much like Killian's only lighter, in front of her. All she could see was the hope swirling through them and she felt the corner of her lips lift just slightly. Maybe...

Graham reached out, his head dropping slightly as his fingers lightly brushing against her own that hung loosely at her side. "What I am trying to say, Emma, is I have two tickets for a midnight cruise on the water tonight and I was wondering if you would like to join me and, perhaps, grab dinner with me before hand."

Emma swallowed. She wasn't in love with Graham. She had never been in love with Graham, but… She was so tired. Tired of pretending to be happy with the way things were with Killian, tired of pretending she wasn't in love with him. Perhaps, this would be the way for her to move on, for her to finally let go of her feelings for Killian so things could return to normal.

No, she wasn't in love with Graham. But, maybe she could be.

Turning her hand, she caught Graham's fingers with her own and laced them together. His head jerked up, his eyes widened in shock as he met her gaze, a small smile graced his lips and she tried to ignore the way her stomach twisted in protest, the way her heart clenched with disappointment.

"I'd love to." She forced the words out of her mouth, her voice sounded just a little too eager, just a little too excited. "Pick me up at eight?"

Graham released her hand and lifted his arms to cup her cheeks. "Eight on the dot, Emma Nolan." He pressed his lips to her forehead swiftly and her eyes closed as she tried to forget how someone else liked to kiss her there. Pulling back, he tugged on the lock of hair the she'd placed behind her ear. "Thank you. I'll see you then."

He backed away slowly, excitement radiating off of him has he did, and she nodded her head as he waved. She felt tears pick the corners of her eyes, but she blinked them away quickly before anyone could see. This… this was for the best. She needed to let go of Killian, to let go of the ridiculous notion that they could be something _more_.

"Auntie Em! Look at my castle!" Nate's voice called out to her and she turned toward the boy, the boy who was so much like his father, the boy who she love just as much as she did his father, and smiled widely.

"I see it, Natey Matey! It looks great!" With one last quick look in the direction that Graham went, she focused her attention on her little man in front of her as she made her way to him.

She had a date. A date with Graham Humbert, a man she did not have any feelings for.

Sitting down next to Nate on the sand, she pulled him into her lap and pressed her nose into his hair. She needed to move on from her feelings for Killian. She knew that…

She just wondered, if this was truly the best thing for her, why it felt like her heart was shattering beyond repair.

* * *

 

The sound of the front door shutting echoed throughout the house as Emma made her way down the steps. The small smile on her face fell as she stopped moving momentarily and smoothed down the nonexistent wrinkles of her dress nervously.. There was only one person that it could be and that was the one person she'd hoped to avoid this evening,

Killian.

Her hand squeezed the railing on the wall tightly and her heart started to thump wildly. She'd hoped to get out of the house and onto her date before he and Nate had made it home for the evening, but it seemed that was not going to happen. Sighing, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't that she didn't want Killian to know that she had a date, it wasn't that she intended on _hiding_ it from him. No, she would never intentionally hide _anything_ from him. It was just…

Killian made it no secret that he disliked Graham, and August for that matter, and she didn't want to have to spend several minutes before her date convincing Killian that this _date_ , or whatever it was, was a good idea. Especially when she was so unsure herself.

Hearing the patter of footsteps coming down the hall, Emma forced her eyes open and a smile to her lips. If there was any way she would get through this without Killian figuring out how she truly felt, about both this date and him, then she needed to appear to at least be a bit excited.

Nate rounded the corner, his deep brown locks bouncing from his speed, and it was easy to let her forced smile turn into a real one. Nate always had that ability, the ability to sour any bad mood she was in, simply by being in her presence. It was like the toddler radiated happiness and in this moment, she couldn't be more grateful.

"Auntie Em!" Nate squealed, his little body slamming to a stop the moment his wide eyes landed on her. "You looked beutiful."

Her heart skipped a beat at the sheer wonder in Nate's voice and she propelled herself forward and off the steps quickly. Reaching Nate, she knelled on the floor and wrapped her little man in her arms tightly. "Thank you, my Natey Matey." She pulled back and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "You always know just what to say, little man."

"Emma?" Killian questioned from the right of her. "I wasn't aware you had plans this evening, love."

It was as though cold water had been dumped over her. For a moment, just a brief moment, her happiness at seeing Nate had clouded her nervousness about seeing Killian. But, hearing his voice, hearing the confusion that was present in it, was a stark reminder of everything she'd been trying to avoid: Killian, her feelings for him, and this date. Only now, she had no choice but to confront those things head on.

Releasing Nate from her arms, she patted the top of his head lightly and whispered for him to go in the living room to play before standing up to face Killian. His eyebrows were bunched, lips forming a thin line, as his eyes bore into her and begged for an explanation. In his hands he held a familiar brown paper bag that read _Granny's_ across the front. Her shoulders fell as she stared at the bag because she knew, knew in her heart, it held a grilled cheese and onion rings.

Her stomach twisted and her throat closed up as she once again was reminded about how much of a family they'd truly become. It wasn't that fact that he had gotten her favorite meal, he'd done that often, but the fact that he'd done it with the intention of having a family dinner with her and Nate and that he'd done it as a surprise.

She felt tears threatening to form in her eyes at his gesture and bit the inside of her cheek to stop them. She wanted nothing more than to walk the distance that separated them and press her lips to his, to thank him for dinner, pick up Nate from where he was playing and join Killian at the table. She wanted to enjoy a meal with her family, to end the night wrapped up next to Killian on the couch while watching a movie. She wanted to be _more_ for him, to be his girlfriend, to be his everything. But she wasn't. She bit the inside of her cheek harder. She wasn't his anything and…

She knew he wouldn't ever be, which was why it was time to let go.

"Emma?"

Her eyes met his and she forced another smile to her face. It was time to move on. Smoothing out her dress, she ignored the way her stomach twisted and ran her fingers through her curls. "Sorry." She shrugged and inclined her head towards the paper bag in his hands. "I didn't realize you were going to surprise me with Granny's-to-go. I actually…" She took another deep breath and exhaled before continuing. "Well, I have a date tonight."

She watched as his eyes narrowed, his head tilted to the side as his lips pressed together firmly. "Oh." His voice was soft, almost like he was shocked by her statement, and it held a hint of what she thought was disappointment, only that couldn't be right. Why would he…

"Who with?" His question pulled her back to the present and butterflies filled her stomach.

There was no way she could get out of telling him, no way she could _lie_ to him, no way…. Shooting him a sheepish look, she licked her bottom lip. "Graham Humbert."

The moment Graham's name left her lips, Killian's body stiffened. His eyes hardened, his jaw clenching with the barely hidden anger she knew he felt.

"I see." He stated, his voice hard and tense.

She watched as he dropped the bag of Granny's to his side, his fingers gripping it so tightly his knuckles had turned white, and walked stiffly in front of her toward the kitchen before settling with his back toward her before the bar.

She blinked several times, the intensity of his anger surprising her to the point of speechlessness. She'd known he wasn't going to be happy, but this… This was something else entirely. This was something new.

Taking a step forward, she reached out and pressed her hand to his flannel covered back only to pull it back quickly has he stiffened even more.

"Kilian?" Her voice was laced with confusion and concern. What was going on with him? Why was he….

He turned quickly causing her to jump back a step, a miracle in her shoes, and she was surprised to see pain mixed with the anger present in his blue eyes. She opened her mouth to speak only to have him beat her to it.

"Enjoy your evening with Humbert, Nolan." His features, features that a moment ago told a story of anger and pain, gave nothing away as he stared in her direction. "Do be quiet _if_ you return, Nate and I will likely be asleep as we have a big day tomorrow."

He moved past her before she had a chance to respond, walking over to pick Nate up and settle him on his hips before making his way towards the steps without another word or glance in her direction.

Seeing him disappear beyond the walls of the hallway upstairs, she shifted her weight from foot to foot. What the hell had just happened? That… Her hands began to shake at her sides and her eyes filled with tears. That had been far worse than she could've ever imagined. He'd been so angry, so hurt, and, while she knew Graham wasn't his favorite person, that anger and hurt did not make sense. None off this made sense.

Wiping her eyes quickly, the last thing she wanted to do was ruin her makeup and have to return upstairs to fix it, she took a deep breath. For once, Killian would have to wait. She might not _want_ to go on this date, but she wouldn't allow Killian's behavior to ruin her evening. She couldn't, not when she was resolved in her goal to move on. Whatever was bothering Killian could be discussed in the morning when he'd calmed down.

With one last worried glance at the stop of the stairs, Emma moved toward the front door. After pulling her red leather jacket, a perfect contrast to the black dress she wore, on her arms, she opened the front door, switched off the lights to the living room, and walked through it before closing it behind her.

Once the door closed, darkness enveloped the room and the Granny's-to-go bag that sat on the counter.

* * *

 

In an effort to not make any noise, Emma braced her hand on the door and pushed it closed slowly. It was late, well past three o'clock in the morning to be exact, and the last thing she wanted to do was wake Nate… or Killian.

Worrying her lip, she bit down momentarily. After Killian's reaction to the news of her date just hours earlier, the last thing she wanted to do was wake him. He obviously had something going on in his head and she didn't want to make it worse. She never wanted to make anything worse for him.

Hanging her jacket on the rack, she idly worried if his behavior had anything to do with Milah. Sure he'd been doing so well lately, but it couldn't be easy to watch her potentially start something with Graham when his marriage had only just ended. Dropping her arms to her side, she couldn't help the giggle that escaped her lips.

Starting something with Graham was not going to be happening anytime soon, not that she was surprised. The date had went well, the midnight curse was wonderful, and she'd truly had a good time. The only problem was that the whole time she'd been on the cruise all she could do was compare the ship to the Jolly, compare Graham to Killian, and think about how much she'd rather be home with Killian figuring out why he was so upset. Then, when Graham leaned in to kiss her beneath the full moon on the bow of the ship in what should have been a perfect first-date kiss, she realized very quickly that even if she wanted to move on from Killian, she wouldn't be able to do it with Graham.

There was no spark, nothing. It was like a kiss between family. Nothing special, nothing out of this world, nothing.

Sighing, she walked into the darkness of the living room. At least now she knew that she could go on dates, that she could put herself out there and try to move on. It might not have panned out tonight with Graham, but eventually someone would make her forget her feelings for Killian. Right?

Turning to make her way up the stairs, she fully intending to fall onto her bed and sleep all of tomorrow morning when a light caught the corner of her eye by the kitchen. She must have left that one on when she'd left. Groaning, she turned on her heel and made her way over to the brightness.

Her breath hitched as she rounded the corner of the kitchen bar and the dining room table came into view. Killian sat at the end of the table across the room from her. In front of him was a bottle of rum, over half-empty, and a glass, half-full. He was slacking in his chair, his eyes closed and his head had fallen forward to rest on his chest. His hair stuck up in every direction as he breathed evenly. It would be obvious to anyone who was looking that he was fast asleep.

Her lips pulled down into a frown, her eyes softened as she felt worry build in her chest. It had been _months_ since Killian had turned to rum as a means to cope. Since he'd returned from his trip with Liam, he'd always set his limit at one per event they had attended. Yet, here he was asleep at the kitchen table after drinking at least over half the bottle.

Sadness and bewilderment enveloped her as her shoulders dropped and her head fell forward. Seriously, what was going on with him and why wouldn't he just talk to her? Why was he shutting her out once again? They'd… They'd moved past this, moved past his habit of bottling everything in, of keeping his feelings from her, so why had he returned to doing just that all these months later?

 _Why_?

Emma's eyes fell closed for a brief moment as frustration took over. There was no way a simple date with Graham had caused this. It had to be Milah. She was the only one who could tear Killian apart like this, she was the only one who held any type of power of his heart. And, let's face it, over that last several months _all_ of Killian's problems led right back to Milah Jones.

Shaking her head, she opened her eyes with a roll. She had thought Milah was doing well, so much so that she even stood up for her to Ruby just the other day, but if she was still messing with Killian's head, or his heart, something needed to be done.

And, if she had to be the one who did it… well, it would not be the first time she'd stood up to Milah.

Striding forward, Emma wrapped her fingers around the neck of the bottle and lifted it off the table. Using the other hand, she grabbed the remaining tumbler of rum and, with both hands full, made her way toward the kitchen. Dumping out the rum, she placed the empty tumbler in the sink and left the bottle on the counter next to the rest of their liquor supply.

Wasting no time, she turned and walked back toward Killian with every intention of getting him upstairs to his room and in his bed. Her eyes widened once again when she stepped out of the kitchen and found Killian not only awake, but staring at her with guilt all over his face.

Stopping in her tracks, her mouth fell open as she let out a yelp. "Killian!" She pressed her hand to her heart to calm the erratic thumping inside. "You're awake."

He nodded slowly, his eyes closing halfway either from tiredness or drunkenness. "Aye, love. That I am."

It was the softness of his voice, the sheer worry that was present, that caused all of the previous anger she'd been feeling to dissipate. Her heart twisted at how hallow he sounded, at how _broken_ he sounded. It was yet one more thing that she hadn't experienced in several months.

Suddenly, it struck her at how odd this behavior this was for him now. Five months ago this would be considered normal, but now…

"Are you okay, Killian?" She took a step forward, her hands swinging at her sides. "You've been weird all night and now you're drinking again…"

He cut her off with a jerk of his head. "I'm fine, Emma."

Arching an eyebrow, she crossed her hands over her chest and shot him a look that clearly stated she did not believe a word he said. "Killian." She added, her tone was another clear indication that his statement was not going to cut it.

His head lolled forward, his arms reached up to rub his face with his hands wearily. "It is nothing, Emma. Let it be." He lifted his head, his blue eyes begging her to comply. "Please." His last word was a whisper, a plea, in the otherwise silent room.

For a moment, she just stared at him. A part of her wanted to keep pushing him, to make him open up to her like she would have done when he'd first moved in, but the other part, the more rational part, realized that he needed his space too. Killian wasn't perfect and, while he had been through some heavy stuff the last year only to come out better for it, he was entitled to make mistakes, to falter. He was entitled to a mishap every now and then.

"Okay." She nodded her head and walked over to him. "Let's get you upstairs Jones, over half a bottle of rum is liable to put you on your ass and we wouldn't want Nate to wake up to his father passed out in the hallway." She held her hand out to him and ignored the way her skin warmed at just the simplest touch of his hand in hers. Clenching her jaw, she entwined their fingers and pulled him up and out of the chair.

He stumbled slightly as he rose before planting his feet solidly on the ground below him. It was hard for her not to notice how close they were standing, close enough to feel his breath against her cheek. Tilting her head up, her eyes locked on his and it was as though she couldn't breathe, couldn't think. The air around them seemed to hum, like it was alive in some way, and she felt herself leaning further into him.

"Killian." She mumbled, her words breathless and soft as she licked her lips.

His eyes darted from her eyes to her lips. "Emma." His voice was tight, hard, almost as though he was trying to hide _something_ from her. He blinked several times. The muscle in his jaw clenched over and over as he forced his eyes away from her gaze. "I'm truly sorry for my actions tonight." He returned his gaze to hers, his lips now pressed into a thin, unhappy line. "I'd never intentionally hurt you, love."

Her heart skipped a beat, her eyes searched his face for any indication that he was lying or to drunk to know what he was saying, but she found none. He meant every word he was saying and he meant them as her friend, not as what she _wanted_ him to mean them as.

She swallowed hard and forced her lips into a grateful smile. "It's okay, Killian. Water under the bridge as they say."

Dropping her hand, Killian snaked his arm around her shoulder and pressed a hard kiss to the side of her head. "I love you, Emma Nolan. You are the best mate a bloke could ever have."

Disappointment flooded her system and she trained her eyes forward. She had no right to be mad, no right to expect anything more from him, and yet, she did. Because, in her heart, she knew they would be great together. If only Killian could….

Shaking her head, she snuck a peek out of the corner of her eye and caught a huge, goofy grin on Killian's lips as he leaned over to rest his head on her shoulder. The rum was starting to really take effect and if they didn't move now, they'd never get him up the stairs. Taking a deep, calming, breath she let go of anything she was feeling at that moment. She couldn't make Killian love her, so there was no reason to dwell.

Wrapping her free arm around his waist, Emma began to walk Killian toward the stairs. "Come on, sailor. Time for bed."

"Aye, Aye, Captain." He laughed out as he took that first step on the stairs. "Shh…" He added. "Me first mate is sleeping. Don't wake him up."

"I won't." She assured him with a smile. "Promise."

As they slowly made their way up the stairs, Emma couldn't help but laugh as a now drunk Killian Jones. He looked so happy, so in-this-moment with her. His eyes were alight, his grin pulling at his lip, and giggles, yes _giggles_ , escaped his lips. This was the Killian she knew, the Killian she _loved_. This was the Killian that she wanted forever with. And…

This was the Killian that made it impossible to truly let go.


	12. Chapter 12 - Killian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So so sorry for the long wait on this one! I am graduating in May with my second Master's degree and school is pretty intense right now. I wish I could promise that you all won't have to wait long for the next chapter, but I am having surgery on my shoulder this Friday and I am unsure how that will affect my ability to type. Hopefully I can get another chapter started this week, but I also have my CSSS fic to write before Friday so we will see.
> 
> Thank you all for the patience you have with me. I truly appreciate it. Also, for anyone who nominated this fic at the CS Fanfic Awards on tumblr, I wanted to thank you too! Lastly anyone who favorites, follows, or reviews... you are all AMAZING and give me a reason to write.
> 
> Huge hugs to the-lady-of-misthaven and o-u-a-timer for your beta duties! You both are amazing!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own OUAT and/or its characters.

Leaning back to rest against the bar in the living room, Killian couldn’t keep a grin from forming on his lips. Bloody hell, he couldn’t believe that this day, this very extraordinary day, had finally arrived. His eyes scanned the room, the lightness in his heart only expanding at the sight of all of his friends and family, and he shook his head softly in awe. 

 

All of these people, all of these decorations - every pirate themed party favor he and Emma could find at the party supply store to be exact-, all of the food,  _ everything _ , were here for one very special reason. 

 

Nate. 

 

His lad, his  _ wee one, _ had turned two just the previous day. Two years old. His chin fell forward, his eyes closing as his head shook gently. It was hard to believe… Had it really been two years? It seemed like it was just yesterday that he and Milah had discovered they were pregnant, that he heard his son’s heart beat for the first time over the monitor. 

 

He could recall clearly the first time he held Nate, his tiny body wedged between his arm and chest, and he knew in that moment that his life had been changed completely. He knew in that moment that he would do anything for his lad,  _ anything _ . 

 

Nate’s laughter from the other side of the room pulled Killian from his thoughts and he felt his smile widen. Opening his eyes, he lifted his head just in time to see Nate return to Emma’s outstretched arms after being tossed in the air. 

 

“Agin, Auntie Em! Agin!” Nate giggled the words out of his lips as he kicked his legs excitedly against Emma’s chest. “Up! Up!”

Emma’s head fell back, pure happiness etched throughout her features as she lifted Nate further into the air and wrinkled her nose in his direction. “Again, Natey Matey? Are you sure you can handle it?”

 

Nate nodded enthusiastically, his legs once again kicking wildly in the air. “Aye! Agin! Agin! Pwease!”

 

Emma didn’t wait to respond, instead choosing to simply toss his lad gently in the air. Nate howled in excitement, his face alight with pure elation and Killian couldn’t help the way his chest expanded in kind. 

 

Killian couldn’t believe how lucky he was in that moment, how lucky both he and Nate were. This past year hadn’t been easy, in fact it had been his own personal version of hell, but they’d made it through.  _ He’d _ made it through. 

 

And, he’d came out better in the end. 

 

Emma’s laughter joined Nate’s as she continued to toss him up and down in the air and Killian felt his breath catch in his throat. His lips parted slightly, his tongue darted out to wet the bottom one unconsciously as he continued to gaze across the room, as he continued to stare at Emma and Nate.

 

Shifting his fingers through his hair, Killian let his arm fall loosely to his side once more. Emma Nolan had been his best friend since the moment she’d arrived in Storybrooke. They’d spent a lifetime having each other’s backs and supporting one another through everything that life had thrown their way. This past year had tested him in more ways than he’d cared to admit and, somehow, he’d weathered the storm. Somehow….

 

Killian’s thoughts died in his mind as Nate landed firmly back in Emma’s waiting arms from his latest toss in the air. His heart skipped a beat and the feeling of  _ something _ settled in his chest as he watched Emma settle Nate on her hip while placing a soft kiss to his forehead with a bright smile. 

 

No. Killian’s brows furrowed as he considered the woman in front of him. No, he hadn’t just  _ weathered  _ the storm that was this past year by himself. He’d had help… Nate shifted in Emma’s arms, his cheek falling to rest against the red fabric that covered her shoulder and he closed his eyes with a yawn. 

 

He’d had more than help, he’d had a partner. He’d had  _ Emma.  _

 

A gasp escaped his lips as Emma shifted her gaze to the dozing toddler in her arms. That feeling from before, that feeling of  _ something _ , expanded throughout his chest as a small smile formed on Emma’s lips and she lifted a hand to brush Nate’s hair out of his eyes lovingly. His lips parted slightly and he could hear his heart pounding in his chest as Emma brushed her lips against Nate’s forehead yet again. 

 

That feeling… 

 

Emma’s eyes lifted to meet his from across the room and, for a moment, he forgot to breathe. She was… She was beautiful. Her eyes, eyes so full of warmth and happiness, seemed to sparkle in his direction and he couldn’t help the way his lips lifted to return her smile. 

 

The warmth in his chest expanded as he watched Emma whisper something to Mary Margaret before moving to make her way toward him. 

 

“Hey.” She whispered as she stopped just across from him. “Looks like someone is getting a little sleepy.”

 

He felt himself nod and lifted his hand to brush his fingertips down Nate’s back. “Aye. Perhaps it is time for gifts?”

 

Her head tilted and she shifted her gaze back to Nate. “That’s likely a great idea. Then, we can kick everyone out and enjoy the rest of the night as …” Her eyes lifted to meet his once more and this time he was shocked to find uncertainty in them before she continued. “A family.”

 

Family. 

 

Nodding, he felt his lips lift at the corners slightly. That feeling in his chest had returned, the one he’d been unable to identify before, but this time he knew exactly what it was. 

 

Stepping forward, he lifted his hand and tucked a lock of Emma’s hair behind her ear. “Aye.” He confirmed as he ducked his head in her direction. “As a family, love.”

 

Her face lit up, the smile that formed on her lips causing the corners of her eyes to crinkle and it felt as though he might burst from the happiness present in his chest, at the happiness that she provided.

 

Bloody hell. How had…

 

Stepping back, he nodded his head toward Nate. “How about you wake the wee captain and I’ll gather his crew?”

 

“Sounds good.” Her voice was light and he could hear the smile in it. “Meet you by the gifts.”

 

Without waiting for an answer, she pivoted and made her way toward the presents at the kitchen table. Watching her walk away from him, he couldn’t help the way he shook his head in awe. 

 

It had been thirteen months since he’d shown up on Emma’s doorstep a broken man. Thirteen months. During those thirteen months, he’d slowly begun to piece himself back together again and he’d done it all with Emma by his side. 

 

Killian pivoted his body toward the dining room and combed through his locks quickly as his head cocked to the side. He could see Emma lightly bouncing Nate on her hip while pointing to his presents in an attempt to wake the lad up. Nate smiled, his attention bouncing back and forth between the gifts and what Emma was saying. 

 

His eyes softened as he watched the two most important people in his life interact. Emma had been there for Nate when Killian couldn’t be, when  _ Milah _ couldn’t be. She had fixed breakfast for him every morning, she had held him while he cried, changed diapers, built forts, read stories. It had been Emma who had taken care of Nate while Killian had gone off to repair the fractures in his heart that Milah had left, it had been Emma who had acted like a parent when neither he  _ nor _ Milah had been able to. 

 

Emma Nolan was his savior. She’d shown him that it was okay to heal, that it was okay to let go. She’d shown him that it was okay to move on. 

 

Seeing Emma wave at him from her place next to Nate at the table, Killian took a step forward. It was in that moment, as he walked toward his  _ family _ , that he finally labeled the feeling in his chest.

 

Love. 

 

In the past year, Emma Nolan had mended his fractured heart, as any best friend would do, but in the process he’d done something he never thought he would do…

 

He’d fallen in love with her. 

 

* * *

It was late, the party had been over for at least an hour. Emma and Nate were in the living room, likely playing with on of the many toys he’d received. He should be out there with them, but he wasn’t, he couldn’t… The muscles of his forearms flexed as Killian pressed his hands flat on the cool stone of the bathroom countertop. Staring at himself in the mirror, he narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips firmly into a thin line before taking a deep, shuddering breath. He… His eyes closed and he held his breath for a moment before exhaling slowing. He… Biting down, he felt the muscles in his jaw clench and he shook his head in bewilderment. Bloody hell, what was he going to do?

 

His chin fell forward to rest on his chest. Dropping his shoulders, he lifted an arm and ran his trembling fingers through his hair and tugged harshly when he reached the ends.  _ Fuck. _ He forced himself to take yet another deep breath. Exhaling slowly, he lifted his chin and opened his eyes to stare at his reflection once more.  _ Fuck. _

 

He was in love with Emma.

 

He was in love with his  _ best friend _ . 

 

How could he let this happen? How could he… Turning quickly, he pressed his back up against the vanity and buried his face in his hands. The tips of his fingers pushed gently into his eyes before running down his cheeks. She was his best friend. She was… His arms fell to his sides dejectedly. She was Emma. She was….

 

His eyes softened, the corners of his lips lifting into a small, barely there smile. She was the one person, save Liam, who’d stood by his side through the past year. She was the one person he knew without a doubt he could count on. She’d pushed him to be better,  _ to heal _ , if not for him then for Nate. She’d done all these things and she’d never asked for a single thing in return. 

 

His fingers tapped the fabric of his jeans and he tilted his head thoughtfully. Emma would always be his best friend, that would never change, but was he mad to think there could be more there? Was he crazy to think that  _ they _ could be more? 

 

The smile on his lips widened. He was in love with his best friend, with  _ Emma _ . His heart quickened at the thought. He couldn’t stop himself from imagining what it would be like to truly be  _ with _ Emma, to be a couple and to be a family. He found himself looking forward to mornings in bed and evenings cuddled on the couch, to family breakfasts and dinners, to date nights and sailing. 

 

Standing quickly, his arm reached out to grasp the knob of the door. He wanted to tell her how he felt, to see if they could make something of this, of  _ them.  _ He wanted to try. Bloody hell, he wanted to  _ try _ .

 

But…

 

His arm fell back to his side, a pensive look formed on his features. He’d lived with Emma for the past year. They’d shared the same space, ate the same meals, went to the same events. He’d been best friends with her for a lifetime before he’d moved in. A lifetime and not once had she ever indicated that she felt anything more for him than friendship. 

 

His eyes fell to the floor. The fact of the matter was… He didn’t know how she felt, didn’t know  _ if _ she felt anything. Rolling his eyes, he shook his head. This wasn’t a television show. He couldn’t just run out into the living room and confess his undying love for her. He knew Emma and that would only scare her off. That would make her run. 

 

Lifting his arm, his fingers curled around the doorknob once more. As much as it pained him, he needed to wait. He needed to figure out exactly how deep his feelings ran and if she had any feelings at all. That was the safest option. 

 

That was the  _ only _ option. 

 

Twisting the doorknob, he took one last deep breath before pulling the door open and making his way back toward the living room. As he walked, he couldn’t help the small pang of sadness that settled in his chest. He knew he was making the right decision, for him and for Emma, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that…

 

His eyes widened, his lips parting slightly at the sight before him and he stopped his progression forward. All of his thoughts escaped him as he took in Emma and Nate sleeping on the couch. Her body took up a great deal of the couch as she stretched out on her back. Nate, on the other hand, lay on her chest but on his stomach. His arm had reaching up and he’d tangled his chubby fingers in Emma’s long locks. One of Emma’s arms was draped protectively across Nate’s back while the other was bent behind her head. Nate had tucked himself right up under Emma’s chin and had turned his head to suck on the thumb of his other hand. Emma was still dressed in the clothes she’d worn to the party, but it seemed she’d been able to get Nate into his pajamas before they’d fallen asleep. 

 

For a moment, he didn’t move. For a moment, he forgot to breathe. Tilting his head to the side, a wistful smile formed on his lips. This… A sigh escaped his lips as his eyes fill with longing. 

 

This could be his life. This right here. He could do this. He could do movie nights with Emma and Nate, movie nights where they fall asleep on the couch after insisting they won’t, movie nights where he was to wake them up and carry them to bed separately, and breakfasts the next morning where he teases them about falling asleep  _ again. _

 

He could have this. He  _ wants _ to have this and he wants to have it with Emma. It may be everything he never knew he wanted, but bloody hell he  _ wants _ it. 

 

Grabbing the blanket that Emma draped across the back of the chair, he forced his feet to move forward and draped it over the two of them. He could stare at this scene for hours. In fact… 

 

Shoving his hand in the pocket of his jeans, he pulled his phone out and swiped to the left to access the camera. A moment later, he’s staring at a new picture of his two favorite people on the screen. It only took a couple more swipes before the picture had been assigned as both his background and lockscreen picture. 

 

Returning his phone to his pocket, he pivoted and made his way toward the armchair next to the couch before sitting quietly. He was not quite ready for this day to end, not when so much had happened. It had been a great day. Smiling, Killian reached for his computer sitting on the table next to him. He had some editing he needed to catch up on and now seemed as good of a time as any. 

 

Opening his computer, he couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting to the couch once more. His heart skipped a beat and he grinned. 

 

Everything he wanted was right in front of him. He just needed to figure out if it was possible to get it. 

 

* * *

Whoever said being in love was easy had obviously never been in love with their best friend because the last twenty-four hours of Killian’s life had been anything but easy. Kilian felt like he was constantly being pulled in two different directions, two very different  _ opposite _ directions, and he didn’t know how to proceed.

 

Their weekly dinner with Liam and Ruby hadn’t helped matters. Normally, Emma worked Sundays so she missed out on the weekly family tradition. But not this weekend. No, in honor of Nate’s birthday Emma had taken the whole weekend off. She had said she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could. 

 

_ He is only going to turn two once Killian and, since Milah isn’t going to be here, I want to make sure I am. _

 

At the time, he had been happy she’d taken the weekend off. It had meant he wouldn’t have to face a house full of people and their questions about how he was doing alone. Now though, now he wasn’t so sure it was a good thing. Especially after Liam had found out she was off and insisted she join them.  The thing was… Being around Emma at home was one thing. He could be himself around her, he could play and flirt and she wouldn’t think anything of it. 

 

At home, he could hide his feelings. 

 

Being around other people though? Well, he didn’t know if they would notice the slight change in him. He didn’t know if they would notice the way his eyes lit up when she talked, the way his hand lingered on her lower back as they walked next to each other, or the way he never strayed too far from her side. It didn’t help that dinner wasn’t with just anybody, it was with Liam and Ruby. 

 

Liam was… Well, Liam was his  _ brother _ . Liam was the person who’d raised him, who’d taken care of him when he’d had no one. Liam was one of the two people in his life he’d never been able to lie to. Not to mention, it would be bloody difficult to hide his feelings from Liam. If his brother was anything, it was observant. Next to Emma, Liam knew him better than anybody. He’d been sure Liam would have figured it out the moment he and Emma had walked through the door. Only, he hadn’t or, at least, he’d made no indication he had. 

 

But, it wasn’t as though Liam’s lack of knowledge had stopped Killian’s heart from racing nervously. No, if fact it wasn’t until this very moment, until he followed Emma through the front door of her house after dropping Nate off with Milah, that he finally felt himself calm, that he felt himself  _ relax _ .

 

Shoving the front door shut behind him, Killian turned and opened the closet to hang up his coat. Pausing, he rolled his eyes as he noticed Emma’s red leather jacket in a heap on the floor next to the door. Some things would never change and Emma being a wee bit of a slob was one of them. 

 

Leaving his jacket secured on the hanger, Killian sighed as he bent over to pick up Emma’s before placing it on the hanger next to his own. It wasn’t the first time he’d picked up after Emma Nolan and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. 

 

Shutting the door softly, he pivoted toward the living room. A grin formed on his lips as he heard Emma humming lightly in the kitchen while opening and closing cabinets. The kitchen came into view as he stopped in front of the bar revealing Emma standing on her tip toes in an attempt to reach for something on one of the higher selves.

 

“Need a hand, love?” He questioned with a quirk of his eyebrow while leaning forward to rest his weight on his forearms. 

 

Emma visibly jumped as he jerked her body around to face him. “Seriously, Jones! Warn a girl would you?” 

 

He shrugged, his head tilting to the left slightly. “Now, where’s the fun in that?”

 

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head and pointed with her thumb to the cabinet behind her. “Make yourself useful and get the popcorn that  _ you _ decided to put on the highest shelf. I want to make some for movie night.”

 

Nodding, he pulled himself of the counter. “As you wish.”

 

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, panic rose in his chest.  _ The Princess Bride _ was one of Emma’s favorite movies. He knew her mind immediately went to what those words meant to Wesley and Buttercup. He knew she… 

 

He bit the inside of his cheek as he searched her form for any indication of what she was feeling only to find her face blank. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest, his palms started to sweat as he clenched and unclenched them. Bloody hell, he hadn’t expected to see  _ nothing _ when he looked at her. He thought she’d smile, brush off his comment with a snarky remark, something,  _ anything.  _

 

But nothing? What did that mean? How was he…

 

“Emma.” Her name left his lips as a whisper and for a moment he wondered if she’s heard him. 

 

The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the house and both their heads jerked in the direction of the sound. 

 

Shifting from foot to foot, Killian forced his eyes back to the woman stand across from him. “I’ll just go get that. Then, I’ll get the popcorn for you.”

 

Emma nodded. “Thank you.” Her voice sounded flat as her lips lifted in a tight smile.

 

He tried to ignore the way his heart clenched at the sound of her voice, at her reaction in general, as he walked toward the door. He hadn’t meant to say the words, hadn’t meant to make things awkward between them when he’d just spent the whole evening on edge at his brother’s, but now that he had, he didn’t regret them. 

 

He’d been trying to figure out if there was a possibility of Emma returning his feelings for the last twenty-four hours and, given her reaction, he was pretty sure he had his answer. Now, he just had to learn to deal with it. 

 

Pulling the door open, he was surprised to see Moe French standing there with an arrangement of roses. “Good evening, Moe.” His arm lifted to scratch behind his ear as he ducked his head. “Is there something I can help you with?”

 

Moe inclined his head toward the flowers in his hand. “Seems Scarlet forgot to deliver these yesterday. When I saw the order as I finished up the books, I rushed over here to deliver them.” Moe thrusted the flowers toward Killian. “They’re for Emma, could you make sure she gets them?”

 

Accepting the flowers, Killian furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “Aye. Who are they from?”

 

Moe shook his head quickly. “There’s a card. I didn’t have time to look and I need to meet Belle and that bloody Scarlet for dinner. Thank you, Killian.”

 

Before Killian had time to respond, Moe had already turned and was making his way down the walkway. Shutting the door, Killian turned and made his way toward the kitchen. Who in the bloody hell would be sending Emma flowers? His fingers skimmed the edge of the envelope attached to the bouquet. It was none of his business, he knew this, but he couldn’t ignore the pit that had formed in his stomach.

 

Detaching the envelope, he opened it to pull the card out and skimmed the words present on the page while his heart twisted in his chest. 

 

_ Emma, _

 

_ Thank you for having lunch with me all week. I really enjoyed all of our conversations. Do you think, perhaps, you’d be open to a dinner date next Friday? I’d be honored if you agree. _

 

_ With love,  _

 

_ August _

 

His jaw clenched, the muscles pulsated as he glared at the paper in his hand. He felt anger rise into his chest and he could feel the hand tighten around the flowers. Logically, he knew he had no right to feel an ounce of anger, to feel an ounce of  _ jealousy _ . Emma was not his girlfriend. She was not his anything. She had every right to date whoever she wished. It was just…

 

August  _ sodding _ Booth. 

 

He’d hated the man since the moment he’d arrived in Storybrooke, hated the way he chased after Emma as if she were a prize to be won. He hated the way he spoke about Emma when she wasn’t around. Bloody hell. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and ran the fingers of his free hand through his hair. Emma had the right to date whoever she wished, but did it really have to be August Booth?

 

“Killian?” Emma’s voice called from the kitchen and broke him out of his inner struggle. “Who was at the door?”

 

With his eyes narrowed in disappointment and anger Killian stalked toward the kitchen. As soon as Emma was within his view, his eyes hardened in her direction and he threw the flowers on the countertop. 

 

“Booth offers his thanks for lunch all week and wishes to take you to dinner Friday, if you are agreeable.” His voice was full of anger as he bit the words out. 

 

Emma physically recoiled, her body flinching as the intensity of his word, and confusion formed on her features. “Killian, what are you…”

 

“You know, Nolan.” He interrupted with a jerk on his hand. “You are free to date whoever you wish. I’ve no bloody place to tell you who to be happy with, but… Bloody hell, Emma,  _ Booth _ ?” His hands clenched the edge of the counter as he leaned forward over it. . “Why not Graham or Monty or sodding Jefferson? You  _ know _ how Booth is.”

 

Her face hardened, her eyes glaring in his direction, as she strode across the kitchen to stand directly in front of him. “You’re right.” The anger in her tone matches his and he can feel himself calm as she continued. “You have no right to tell me who I can and cannot spend time with. In fact, no one fucking does.” She leaned forward, her face mere centimeters from his own. If he moved even slightly, their noses would touch. 

 

Suddenly, he felt all of his anger disintegrate. Like simply being in her space, being in this close to her, reminded him of what he’d tried to remind himself of when he’d read the note. She was not his, not his wife, not his girlfriend, and being angry, being  _ jealous _ , was out of line. 

 

“Emma.” His shoulders sagged. “I’m…”

 

She shook her head to interrupt him and her nose bumped his gently. “Let me make myself clear, Killian. I am not dating August. I am not dating Graham, nor Monty, nor Jefferson. August brought  _ me _ lunch all week and I made it clear, multiple times, that I was not interested.” She pulled back and straightened her back, a sad smile on her lips. “That I would never be interested, not when I lo--.” Her words broke off as her eyes locked with his. Shock swirled in her green orbs, shock and fear. “Forget I said anything. Forget it all.” She took a step back away from the counter. 

 

She wanted him to forget everything she’d said, but that didn’t stop him from wondering... It had sounded like she was going to say ‘love,’ sounded like she was going to tell him why she didn’t want to date any of those guys. 

 

“Love…” He tried. “What were you…”

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Her shoulders fell, her eyes diverted to the countertop and her fingers traced the pattern there. “It would never work anyway.” The last statement was a light murmur, barely heard over the running appliances in the room. 

 

But, he  _ had _ heard it. He’d heard it and It felt like someone had punched him in the chest, like the wind had been knocked out of him. What would never work? They’d been talking about relationship, about dating, and now she was saying something would never work. Did that mean…

 

“Do you…” He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. If she had feelings for someone, if she wanted to date someone, he didn’t know how he would handle it. He didn’t know how he could handle it given that he was in love with her, given that he  _ wanted _ to be that person for her. “Do you…” He pulled at the hair on his neck. “Do you have feelings for someone?”

 

Emma’s head jerked up. For a moment she just stared at him, her eyes full of sadness, her face full of despair. It was like she was willing him to figure this out, to figure out what she was trying to say. It was like her eyes were begging him to understand, to see what she couldn’t or wouldn’t say. Only, he didn’t know how. For the first time since he’d met her, Emma Nolan was unreadable to him. 

 

His heart broke when she forced a smile to her lips, when she shook her head as if nothing was wrong only moments ago. Her arm lifted, her hand waving in the air as she shook her head. “Of course not. How could I not tell my best friend if I had feelings for someone?”

 

There was something off about the way she sounded, something  _ forced _ , and he wanted to address it, to ask her why she was acting this way, but she continued before he could even speak. 

 

“You know what, I’m actually kind of tired.” She made a big show of yawning and stretching her arms into the air. “I think I am just going to head to bed. Raincheck on movie night?”

 

He nodded numbly, unable to get over this feeling over things being  _ off _ , of Emma acting different. He wanted to understand why things were so awkward between them suddenly, why Emma was keeping things from him, and why she couldn’t just  _ talk _ to him. 

 

His eyes followed her as she walked out of the kitchen, he turned his body as she walked past him without a word. With each step she took, he felt his heart crack just a little bit more. He felt his bottom lip tremble as she walked up the steps. How had this night, the past twenty four hours, gone from so hopeful to  _ this _ , whatever this was? What had happened? What…

 

“Goodnight, Killian.” He heard her whisper from the top of the stairs. “I love you.” 

 

He lifted his head quickly, shock in his widened eyes, only to see her round the corner to make her way down the hallway. His stomach twisted suddenly. Had she meant…

 

Over the course of their friendship Emma had said ‘I love you’ millions of times and he had said it back to her just as many times, but there was something different about the way she’d said it just now. It was as though she’d meant it different from all those other times. Only, she’d sounded hopeless. Like she wanted the words to mean so much more to him, but she was sure they weren’t going to.

 

He ran his fingers through his hair and continued to stare at the top of the steps where he last saw her. Was this her way of telling him she wanted more or was he being  _  too  _ hopeful? And, how was he supposed to tell the difference?

 

His head fell, his chin rested on his chest. He didn’t know what to do. Part of him was convinced that she meant those words as she always did. The other part though, that part that took into consideration her actions tonight, _her actions over the last_ _year,_ wasn’t so sure. The other part was convinced that maybe, just maybe, she felt the same and didn’t know how to tell him.

 

His eyes closed as he inhaled quickly before exhaling slowly. He knew he couldn’t push her, that would just make her run. No… he needed to be patient, to figure out if she did indeed have feelings for him before making a move. He needed, despite what he really wanted, to stick to the plan he’d decided on yesterday. He needed to wait. 

  
A small smile formed on his lips. Even though tonight was a disaster, he couldn’t help the flicker of hope he felt. Perhaps, things were going to work out after all. 


	13. Chapter 13 - Both

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am about the wait to get this chapter to you all. It was insane and I NEVER expected it to be so long between updates. My only excuse is that I am but a human with a lot on my plate. Getting my second master's degree, dealing with my son's many issues at school, while working full time, and, finally, managing a family of 4 seems like it would be easy... but it has not been.
> 
> On top of that, I am a teacher who works with at-risk inner city students and many of them look to me to provide that one positive stable influence in their life. Well, in the last several months I have had 5 students go AWOL and they are unable to be found. Not to mention the drama with my extended family (my mom found out my step dad was cheating and he just told her yesterday he wanted a divorce). Needless to say, writing has been the LAST thing on my mind.
> 
> But here it is, Chapter 13. Do I think it could be better? Likely so. But I am tired of overthinking this chapter to the point of insanity. Writing is supposed to be fun, a stress reliever for me, so when it becomes the stress itself it is time to let go of the chapter and just post it.
> 
> All mistakes are mine (PM me if there is something glaring). The chapter has been lightly beta'ed, but no where near what I normally do for the beta process. 
> 
> I am hoping to wrap this fic up over the next month or two. We will see how it goes. 
> 
> Again, thank you so so so much for sticking with me! You all make me smile and make my day just a little bit brighter. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter and please, please, let me know what you think!

Emma tucked her chin into her shoulder, her arm rising in an attempt to stop even more rain from getting into her increasingly damp hair. Her black boots pounded against the sidewalk causing water to splatter onto the tops of them as she quickened her pace. Walking to the bar after her shift at the station had been a bad idea. Hell, agreeing to meet with Ruby in the first place had been a bad idea. She should’ve just went home and spent the evening holed up in her bedroom dressed in her pajamas or, at the very least, she should’ve just accepted the ride David had offered her since the bug was in the shop.

 

Seeing the glass door in front of her, relief flooded her body. Moving swiftly, Emma yanked on the door and squeezed herself through it. Leaning against the wall, she took a quick moment to catch her breath. Outside, the rain picked up and begun to hammer against the sidewalk. Yep, going to the bar had definitely been a bad idea. 

 

Of course, it wasn’t like she had expected it to rain or even known it was going to. In order to have know that, she would have had to check the weather this morning and checking the weather would have lead to her lingering in the house far longer than she’d wanted to. Because lingering in the house would have inevitably landed her in the kitchen, which would have lead to her joining Killian and Nate for breakfast.  

 

Pulling her bottom lip into her mouth, Emma bit down lightly. Having breakfast with Nate and Killian used to be one of her favorite parts of the day, it used to be … When she woke up this morning, she’d wanted nothing more than to walk down her steps and spend the morning with the two people who had become so much more than just her best friend and his son. She’d wanted it with ever fiber of her being but… She couldn’t do it.

 

She couldn’t walk down those stairs. She couldn’t sit through yet another breakfast and pretend that her heart didn’t skip a beat every time Killian looked in her direction, couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t staring at him every time his eyes caught her own. She was just so tired of pretending that she didn’t have feelings for her best friend. 

 

Emma sighed, her body collapsing against the wall behind her. She needed to stop. How many times did she have to remind herself that Killian was her best friend? That being her best friend was all he would  _ ever _ be. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. 

 

Killian Jones  _ wasn’t _ in love with her and  _ nothing _ would ever change that.  _ Nothing _ . 

 

Lifting her arm up, Emma ran her fingers through her soaked locks in an attempt to de-tangle them. It was exactly that reason why in the month since Nate’s birthday, since she’d received those flowers from August, since her and Killian’s odd argument-that-wasn’t, she had forced herself to take a step back from him, from everything. 

 

Emma laughed forcibly and dropped her arm back to her side. Well, maybe  _ step back _ wasn’t the right phrase. No, it was more along the lines of  _ hide in her room, avoid, and pull away completely _ . It was just… It was all too much. 

 

Pretending not to love him, pretending like she didn’t want more had become too much, it had become exhausting. She was tired, tired of second guessing, tired of hoping, tired of pretending. Killian had been her best friend for  _ years _ . If he felt as she did, if he returned her feelings, then he would have acknowledged it before now. Hell, he would have made a move when they were younger.

 

But he hadn’t. 

 

Emma shook her head. He never would and… And, she had to be okay with that. She had to. Otherwise, she would lose her best friend and that… That couldn’t be a possibility. 

 

Biting her lip, she lifted her arms and gathered her still wet hair into a ponytail. She’d been best friends with Killian since grade school and being his friend was, and always would be, her first priority. Slipping the hair tie from around her wrist, she secured it around her locks in the middle of her head tightly. If being his friend was all she would ever be, she needed to learn to live with that. 

 

She needed to learn how to fall out of love with him.

 

Emma took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. If only it were that easy. Frowning, she felt her chest tighten as it filled with helplessness. She wished she could just snap her fingers and change her feelings. Blinking, she looked up to the ceiling and ignored the sting in her eyes as tears clouded her vision. She wished... Her hand lifted and her fingers pressed against her eyelids in an effort to wipe away the tears before they fell. 

 

Fuck. Why was this so hard? Why did it feel like there was a hole in her chest that she couldn’t fill? Why…. Taking another deep breath she let her head fall back to hit the wall behind her. Why  did she have to love him so much? The sound of the bar’s door opening pulled Emma from her thoughts. Wiping her eyes quickly, Emma dropped her chin and turned her head in the direction of the door just in time to see the door shut behind her uncle Leroy. The moment he noticed her standing there, his brows furrowed in confusion.

 

“You okay, sister?” His voice was its usual gruff tone, but it was also full of concern.

 

Emma shrugged her shoulders slowly, her lips pressing into a thin line. “Is anyone ever really okay, Leroy?” 

 

Chuckling, Leroy shook his head. “You got me there, Nolan.” Taking a step forward, he raised his arm and rested his hand on her shoulder. “Although…” He tilted his head up to catch her eye. “Something tells me this is something more.” Emma felt her heart skip a beat. Growing up, Leroy had always had an uncanny ability at reading her, at figuring out what was upsetting her, and that was the  _ last _ thing she wanted him to do at the moment. She didn’t want anyone to know. The more people who knew, the harder it would be to make it all go away. The more people who knew, the easier it would be for Killian...

 

“Now, Emma…” He interrupted her panicked thoughts as he squeezed her shoulder gently. “I’ve watched you grow up since the moment my cousin Ruth decided to take you in and you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I know that there is nothing in this town, in this life, that Emma Nolan cannot overcome.” Catching her gaze once more, Leroy smiled gently. “And there is nothing your family will not help you face.”

 

Emma smiled, her eyes misting once more, only this time it was in appreciation. “Thank you.” She whispered the words slowly.

 

Leroy nodded and shrugged as he released her shoulder. “No thanks needed, sister. Although, maybe pick a better place to think next time, eh? You’re kinda blockin people from the drinks, girl!”

 

Leroy laughed and Emma couldn’t stop herself from joining in. Leave it to Leroy to remind her that she could do anything she put her mind to and then, in the same sentence, chastise her for blocking the path to the alcohol. Good thing she knew him so well, otherwise she might be offended. 

 

“Thanks, Leroy.” She forced a smile to her lips and stepped out of his way. “Have a good night. I’ll see you Sunday for dinner.”

 

“See you then.” Leroy lifted his arm to pat her on the back as he nodded his head in agreement before continuing further into the bar and disappearing into the crowd. 

 

Biting the inside of her cheek, Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Leroy was right, she  _ could _ do this. Somehow, someway, she would learn to let go of her feelings and things would go back to normal. Lifting her shoulders from where they rested on the wall, she propelled herself further into the bar. She could do this, and she would, but right now she just wanted to forget it all and enjoy the night with her friend. 

 

Right now, she was entitled to that. 

 

Pushing herself through the crowd, Emma scanned the room in an attempt to find Ruby. After a moment, Emma heard a distinctive laugh to the right of her and rolled her eyes. Of course, Ruby would tend the bar until her arrival. Her friend was incapable of letting someone else take care of her bar when she could do it herself, it was part of the reason the bar was so successful. Well, that, and the fact that Ruby could mix drinks like no other person in town. 

 

Pivoting quickly, Emma weaved past several people to make her way toward the bartop. The corner of her lips lifted in a smile as Ruby, who was waving her arms in the air as she talked excitedly to the customer in front of her, came into view.  

 

This was just what she needed. This… Emma’s eyes fell to the person sitting in front of Ruby, fell to that familiar head of unruly dark hair that she would recognize anywhere, and she froze in place. 

 

Killian. 

 

For a moment all she could do was stand there, stand there and feel her heart beating wildly in her chest. So much for pushing Killian from her thoughts tonight. How could she do that when he was right there just an arm’s length away? How was she going to do that if she had to sit next to him all night? If she had to...

 

“Emma.” 

 

Flinching at the sound of Killian’s voice, Emma jerked her head slightly to focus her attention on him. He was standing in front of the stool he had previously occupied dressed in a white henley and ripped jeans. His dark hair, as always, stuck up in every which direction and she suddenly wanted very much to run her fingers through it. Biting her lip, she curled her fingers into fists at her sides. Damn it. Damn him. Why was he here? Why...

 

“Emma?” Killian called her name once more as he moved to stand directly in front of her, concern etched into his eyes as he ducked his head to meet her gaze. 

 

“Sorry.” She mumbled, her lips lifting a small unconvincing smile as he lifted his arm and cupped her cheek with his hand. 

 

The touch of his skin to her cheeks caused an entirely different twist of her stomach. She wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and lean into his touch, to feel the warmth of his fingers pressed into her cheek. She wanted nothing more than to lift her own arm and press her hand atop of his, to entwine their fingers and enjoy the feeling his touch provided. 

 

Only, she couldn’t. 

 

She couldn’t because it was that exact feeling that she was trying to get over. It was that  _ exact _ feeling she was trying to avoid. 

 

“Sorry.” She stated again as she shook her head and took a step back. His hand dropped from her cheek and fell to his side. Tucking a pale lock behind her ear, she shrugged her shoulders in an attempt to look nonchalant. “I had a long day at work and I didn’t expect to see you here, I thought Nate was home this weekend.” 

 

Killian’s arm lifted to scratch the skin at the nape of his neck.“Uh, well Milah asked to switch weekends. I attempted to call you, but when you did not answer I called Ruby to see if she needed some assistance at the bar since Liam was away this weekend.” Shoving one of his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he shifted his weight from foot to foot nervously. “She mentioned that she’d invited you for a drink after your shift. I thought I would wait for you, unless…” His voice trailed off, his eyebrows pulling together as his eyes searched her face. 

 

Emma’s heart clenched in her chest. She could see him second guessing his decision, second guessing his desire to spend the evening with her, to spend the evening with his best friend. Guilt filled her as she realized his reaction was the cause of her behavior the last couple of weeks. 

 

Killian wasn’t normally the type of person to second guess his actions. Especially not when it came to her and their friendship and yet… here they were. And, it was all her fault. Biting the inside of her cheek, she tried to ignore the way her stomach twisted in disappointment. It had never been her intention to hurt him, she’d only been trying to get her head on straight. 

 

She’d only been trying to move on from what she’d deemed an impossible situation. Except it hadn’t worked and now, she’d hurt the one person who had never truly hurt her. 

 

Which was why, at this very moment, she wanted nothing more than to spend the evening with him to make up for her behavior. Really, it was the least she could do. Especially if it would make him happy because at the end of the day Killian Jones deserved all of the happiness in the world.

Reaching out, Emma pulled his hand into hers and squeezed. “Unless what?” She questioned, a light tone in her voice. “Who else would I want to spend my Friday evening with?”

 

Killian shook his head, his gaze dropping to the floor. “Emma,” He ran his fingers through his hair before lifting his head and meeting her gaze. “Are you sure everything is truly okay, love?” 

 

“That depends.” Emma smirked, as she pulled on their joined hands and made her way toward the bartop with a shrug of her shoulders. “On whether or not you order me some onion rings with my beer.”

 

Killian laughed, a full laugh that made her heart flutter in her chest.“One day, Emma Nolan, you’ll be the death of me.” He nodded his head, his lips still curled into a wide smile. “Besides, love, when have I ever forgot the onion rings?”

 

Emma twisted her neck to look behind her. “Never…” Sticking her tongue out childishly, Emma continued. “And hush. You know you love me, Jones.”

 

The moment she twisted her head back around, Emma felt Killian come up behind her. Pressing his chest against her back, he rested his chin on her shoulder so close she could feel his lips against her ear. “Aye.” He whispered, his voice low and gravelly as his breath tickled her ear and she inhaled sharply. “That I do, love.”

 

He pulled away quickly, so quick that she could still feel the warmth from his body, and turned his attention toward Ruby with the intention of ordering her drink. Stunned Emma slid into the empty stool next to Killian’s and squeezed her eyes shut. Her head fell forward, her chin landing to rest on her chest, and took a deep breath in an effort to calm herself.

 

Logically she knew Killian had meant nothing by his actions. He was treating her the same way he always had, as his best friend. But her heart, the same heart that just wouldn’t let go of her feelings for him, couldn’t tell the difference. 

 

If only her heart would listen to her head. If only she could simply stop loving him. 

 

If only...

 

* * *

 

Killian sighed, his eyes closing momentarily as a satisfied grin formed on his lips. Bloody hell, he’d forgotten how comfortable Emma’s bed was. Lacing his fingers behind his head, he crossed his legs at the ankle and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. Perhaps it was the the single beer he’d had at the bar or, perhaps, it was something else, but he hadn’t been this relaxed in quite some time. In fact, if he wasn’t careful, he was liable to fall asleep right where he lay. 

 

Turning his head to the right, his eyelashes brushed against against the fabric of the pillowcase as he dug his cheek in further.  Feeling himself beginning to drift off, he forced his eyes open and blinked several times in an attempt to wake himself. The last thing he wanted was to fall asleep, especially if that meant a premature ending to his night with Emma. 

 

Settling further into Emma’s bed, all Killian could think about was how bloody outstanding the last several hours had turned out. Going to the bar had been a marvelous decision. It had been so long since he and Emma had really,  _ truly _ spent any time together. Especially because, lately, Emma seemed to spend more time either out of her house or in her bedroom than the opposite. Of course she always had some type of excuse, work normally, but that didn’t change the fact that he was used to her always being there and lately she hadn’t been.  

 

They’d spent a majority of the night talking as they sipped on their beers, a grand total of three for Emma and one for him as he was attempting not to drink as much given the events of the past year. At one point, despite many attempts to dissuade her, Emma even managed to... a grin formed on his lips. Stubborn lass, she’d actually managed to get him to dance with her.

 

Though, he’d quickly remembered the benefits to dancing as he placed his hands on her hips and she rested her head on her chest. The moment he dropped his head to rest his cheek against the side of her head, he’d known she wouldn’t have to force him to dance the rest of the evening. He’d gladly follow Emma to the end of the world, or time, if it meant he was permitted to hold her the way he had tonight. 

 

As the hour grew later, the bar began to fill with the typical Friday night crowd. Around midnight he looked up to see Emma attempting to stifle a yawn. Reaching across the table, he brushed his thumb along the backside of her hand to get her attention and, once her eyes met his, he suggested they call it a night. 

 

His heart skipped a beat as she grinned sleepily in his direction and agreed with the contingency that they watch last week’s episode of  _ Game of Thrones _ upon their arrival. 

 

_ Besides, I’m not quite ready for the night to end yet. _

 

Her words had been whispered, but he’d heard them regardless. The truth of the matter was that he didn’t want it to end either. 

 

Which was how he’d ended up in here, in Emma’s bed, wiggling the toes of his sock-clad feet back and forth like a child. It was just… He was  _ happy _ , happier than he had been in quite a long time. And it wasn’t just the events of tonight that had caused his happiness. No…

 

It was everything he’d been through to get to where is was now.  

 

It was hard to believe that a year ago he’d been in a completely different place as a person. He’d been full of anger, someone who rarely smiled, who rarely laughed. A frown pulled at the corners of his lips. 

 

He’d been broken. So broken, he hadn’t thought he’d ever heal the pieces of himself back together.  

 

Scratching the back of his head, he couldn’t help the smile that returned to his lips. He had though. He’d healed and it seemed like every day that went by was just another day closer to him returning to his former self, to the person he’d been before Milah’s actions. It had been a long,  _ long _ , road. A road that he never thought he’d reach the end of and, yet, here he was…

 

And he owed a lot of his progress to Emma.

 

No… He jerked his head quickly. Shifting, he unlaced his fingers and pulled his arm down to scratch the skin behind his ear. He owed  _ most _ of his progress to Emma. Without her, he wouldn’t be anywhere near where he was today. Emma Nolan had saved him, she’d saved him when he didn’t even know he needed saving. She’d saved him and, along the way, he’d fallen in love with her. 

 

He’d fallen in love with his best mate. 

 

His smile fell slightly. Falling in love with Emma had been easy. Well, once he’d realized he was ready to let go of his marriage to Milah it had been easy. It was the aftermath that proved to be a tad difficult. How does one tell their best mate that they’d fallen in love with them? How does one….

 

Clenching his jaw, Killian closed his eyes in frustration and disappointment. Realizing he was in love with someone should have been exhilarating, it should have been  _ easy _ . But, it hadn’t been. The last four weeks had been nothing like he’d expected. Instead, he’d found himself constantly second guessing every touch, every smile, every time their eyes met across the room. He found himself second guessing  _ everything _ . 

 

Turning his head to the side, Killian stared at the open door that led to Emma’s walk in closet. The light was still on, a clear indication that Emma had not finished preparing for bed, and he could hear her soft footsteps as she maneuvered her way through the area. 

 

Still gazing at the door, Killian felt his heart clench in his chest. It didn’t change the fact that the very same night he realized he was in love with her was the night she’d suddenly become very absent. 

 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Killian turned his head away from the door. Bloody hell, he hadn’t realized how much he missed her until he saw her in the bar this evening. He understood that she had to work, understood that he and Nate were technically not her responsibility, but he  _ missed  _ her. He missed the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled, missed the way her laugh sounded as it echoed through the house as she ran after Nate, missed sharing breakfast with her in the morning. 

 

He missed simply spending his time with the brilliant lass that was Emma Nolan. Which was why, when Ruby told him Emma had planned on stopping at the bar after her shift, he wasted no time getting there. He’d hoped they could have a nice evening, an evening that was similar to the evenings they’d had prior to Nate’s party. He’d hoped things could return to normal and...

 

“Killian?” His eyes snapped open and his body flinched in surprise. Standing right in front of the closet door was Emma. She’d switched out of her standard jeans and sweater into her pajamas which consisted of a pair of black leggings and a red tank top. Her hair was now pulled into a loose side braid and she’d swapped her contacts out for her glasses. She looked…

 

“Bloody hell, love.” His words were full of awe as they slipped out of his mouth of their own accord. He’d seen Emma in various states of dress throughout their friendship, but seeing her like this, seeing her encased in her natural beauty, she was simply…. 

 

Breathtaking. 

 

There was no other word to describe her. Emma had always been a beautiful lass, there was no denying that, but she didn’t need fancy dresses, heels, and make-up to look stunning. No, Emma’s beauty was natural and seeing her dressed as she was, casual and bare, was a sight to behold. 

 

Realizing the way his voice had sounded, he felt his face heat up in embarrassment. His fingers combed through his locks and he cleared his throat, a vain attempt to cover the wonder that had been present previously, before speaking once more. ”A little warning would be nice, lass.”

 

Emma shrugged sheepishly, her face full of regret. “I was just checking to see if you were asleep. Her fingers pulled on the hem of her tank top nervously. “I didn’t want to wake you if you were.” 

 

Killian nodded, his eyes glued to the small sliver of her stomach he could see as her fingers twisted her top. Her skin was milky white, smooth, and his fingertips itched to reach out and… Clenching his jaw, he fisted his hands in the comforter of the bed and forced his gaze to her eyes.

 

“But you’re not.” She continued as she made her way to the empty side of the bed and pulled the comforter back. “Asleep that is.” Slipping under the covers, she angled her body toward him and propped her head up with her arm. “So, I’m sorry.” She murmured, her voice soft and full of apology. 

 

Killian shook his head gently. “No apologies necessary, love.” Angling his body to mirror her position, he lifted his arm to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear as his lips pulled into a teasing grin. “Tis my fault for closing my eyes and drifting for a mere moment. I should have remembered you can be as quiet as a mouse when you want to be.”

 

Emma rolled her eyes, the corners of her lips pulling up into a smile as she shook her head in disbelief. “A mouse? Really? You and I both know the last animal I should be compared to is a mouse, Jones.” 

 

Killian arched his eyebrow, his head tilted to the side in thought. “Perhaps a cat then? Quiet, sleek, and strong? Kind of fickle when they want….”

 

“HEY!” Killian didn’t get to finish his sentence as Emma lifted her arm and have him a hard shove to the shoulder. “I am not fickle, Killian Jones! You take that back!”

 

Killian laughed, a loud full sound that rang throughout the entire room, as he leaned backwards a bit to avoid Emma’s next shove. “Take it back? Now why would I do that, love, when it is very much the truth?”

 

“Ugh” Crossing her arms over her chest, Emma pulled herself into a sitting position and criss-crossed her legs. “You’re mean. When have I ever been fickle to you?”

 

It was the tone of her voice that gave him pause, the underlying hint of hurt that was present. He had been joking, of course, but it seemed Emma had not understood that. Emma had never been fickle towards him, others sure, but him… never. At least not since they first met as children. At least, not until the past several weeks. 

 

Lifting himself up from the bed, Killian reached out and pulled Emma’s hand into his own. Intertwining their fingers, he brushed his thumb across the back of her hand. “Never.” His whispered words were full of earnest as he met her gaze. “Unless you would like to speak to the past several weeks, love. You know, the ones where my best mate up and disappeared on me most days.”

 

Emma’s eyes widened in surprise. She opened her lips to speak only to shut them just as quickly. He could see the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes and felt his heart crack just a little bit. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, hadn’t meant to make her upset, but he also wanted to know why. Why had she pulled away so suddenly? Why, after standing by his side through his lowest points, through his divorce, through his drinking, through his hitting rock bottom, had she pulled away the moment he had finally felt normal, the moment he’d finally felt  _ happy? _ Why did she pull away the moment he realized that he was in love with her? 

 

Not that she knew that part.

 

But the night of Nate’s party, he had been so sure that she possibly returned his feelings. Only to have her to pull completely away. None of it made sense and although tonight had been a welcomed return to normal for them and their friendship, he still wanted to know. He still wanted to understand. 

 

Reaching up, Killian wiped the corner of her eye with his fingertip gently. “Hey now. None of that, love. It was but a question. I’m just trying to understand where my best mate went.”

 

Emma shrugged, her eyes darting to the side to avoid his gaze. “She’s been right here, Killian.”

 

“Right here?” He shook his head dejectedly while motioning to the area around him with his free hand. “You haven’t been here, love. When was was the last you ate breakfast with us? Or watched a movie with me? Do you know that Nate did not even want to go see Milah this evening because he wanted to see you when your returned home?” Using his free hand, Killian reached out and brushed his fingertips across her chin to get her to look at him. When their eyes meet, he continued. “I am not sure where you have been exactly, but I know it has not been with us, it has not been with your  _ family _ .”

 

A sob escaped her lips as the tears finally rolled over onto her cheeks. “My family?” She questioned, her voice soft and full of disbelief. “You’re my best friend, Killian and Nate is your son. That’s it. That is where it ends.” 

 

Pulling her hand free from his, she wiped her cheeks angrily. “And no matter how much I want that to change, how much I  _ wish _ for it to change... it won’t!” Dropping her gaze to the bed, Emma’s shoulders dropped in defeat. “You are my best friend Killian, nothing more. How can we be a  _ family _ when this is the truth of the matter?”

 

For a moment, he was speechless. He hadn’t expected her outburst, hadn’t expected her to reveal so much. But she had. She had and it was exactly what he hoped it would be. He just wondered if she realized what she had said.

 

Reaching out, Killian joined their hands once more. “Emma, love, look at me.” She shook her head in refusal and Killian sighed before continuing. “Despite what you may believe, you are my family. You always have been and you always will be. I’ve missed you these last several weeks. I...” 

 

His voice trailed off as the words caught in his throat. How could he make it clear to her that he wanted the same things she did. If she did in fact want what she had just said. He wanted her, he wanted to be her family, to be  _ more  _ for her. He wanted to wake up every morning next to her and fall asleep every evening the same way. He wanted to spend the weekend surrounded by her and her warmth. He wanted her to be a permanent figure in Nate’s life. 

 

And, perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, but he wanted to spend the rest of his life making Emma Nolan happy and filling their home with the laughter of their children. He wanted her to be his. 

 

“Emma.” He squeezed her hand, a vain attempt to get her to meet his gaze. 

 

“No.” She shook her head dejectedly. “I’ve missed it all, Killian. I’ve missed our late night talks, our early morning breakfasts. I’ve missed Nate. I’ve missed chasing him around the house and waking to his smile. I’ve missed…” Her voice wavered and Killian felt his heart skip a beat. 

 

She was so serious, so raw. He could hear it in her voice, feel it in her presence. He’d known Emma his entire life, she was something like an open book to him and whatever she had to say was important to her, but it was also hard for her to speak it out loud.  Which was why he couldn’t help but feel like whatever she was going to say next would change his life forever. 

 

“You.” Her thumb brushed against the skin on the back of his hand gently. “I’ve missed  _ you _ , Killian.” 

 

There was no denying that the past several weeks had been hard for Killian. In fact, it had been like a piece of his own heart was missing. Every day he woke up and walked around town, he took care of Nate and visited his brother, he worked on his novel and… and he waited. He waited for her to come home, waited for her to join them for breakfast, waited for her to see him as something more. But that was impossible because she wasn’t there. 

 

There was no denying that the past several weeks had been hard. In fact, it had been like a piece of his own heart was missing and he’d be a bloody fool if he didn’t realize that piece was Emma. Because before everything he’d deemed important had come into his life, before writing, before sailing, before Milah, and before Nate… 

 

There had always been Emma Nolan. 

 

As his name died on her lips, as she lifted her head and met his gaze with her emerald eyes, he forgot how to breathe. Her eyes were full of honesty, full of trust, and, most importantly, they were full of what he hoped was  _ love _ .

 

Slowly, without dropping his eyes, Killian pulled his hand from Emma’s and lifted it to caress her cheek. “I’ve missed you too, love.” He whispered the words as he pressed his forehead against hers. “And…” Killian paused for a moment and, before he could change his mind, dropped his hand to her waist. 

 

Licking his lips, he searched her eyes once more for any indication that he was wrong in his feelings. Finding none, he murmured the words he’d been dying to say for weeks. “I love you, Emma Nolan.”    

 

Then, he inched forward and pressed his lips against hers. 

 

* * *

 

The weight of Killian’s lips against hers was something Emma never thought she would get the chance to experience. It was something… Something she’d rarely let herself think about because she’d been so sure it would never happen. 

 

But, sometimes, in rare moments of weakness, her mind would wander and when it did… Well it had never like this. No…

 

This was far better than anything she’d ever imagined. 

 

Sighing, Emma pressed herself further into the kiss, further into his lips. All of the tension she’d been feeling earlier, all of anger and pain, was gone the moment his lips pressed against hers and all she could think was that she wanted more. 

 

She wanted him. She wanted all of him. 

 

His fingertips trailed up and down her sides, goosebumps formed in their wake. Bending her legs at the knee, Emma shifted her weight atop of them. Her arms lifted, sliding from his chest so her hands could cup his cheeks and comb through the small amount of growth present there.  After a moment, her hands continued their journey upward, her fingers locking through his hair. 

 

Getting the hint, Killian moved his hands from her sides to her back and slipped them underneath her tank top. The feeling of his skin touching hers caused her to shiver. 

 

Oh yes. This was way better than  _ anything _ she’d ever imagined. 

 

Lifting up to rest her weight on her knees, Emma towered over him and open her mouth to deepen the kiss. Following her lead, Killian dropped his head backwards and opened his lips. She felt him smile as he did it and she couldn’t help it when her lips lifted ever so slightly. 

 

One of Killian’s hands moved from beneath her shirt and cradled the back of her neck. His fingers slid through her hair and tugged gently. Without thinking, her own hands dropped to the hem of his shirt and tugged it down. Then, up. 

 

Off. She wanted it off. Wanted to feel the skin on his chest. To run her hands through the hair that was there. 

 

Shaking his head, he released her hair and slid his other hand from under her shirt. Breaking the kiss, he wasted no time in replacing her hands on his shirt and pulling it over his head. As soon as it was off, Emma dove right back in and pressed her lips against his. 

 

Her hands pressed against his chest, his skin felt like fire underneath beneath her. Hot. She was too hot. She wanted…

 

Circling his arms around her, Killian lifted himself to his knees and pressed forward. The moment her back hit the bed, she felt herself smile through their kiss once more. 

 

Pressing his leg between hers, Killian’s lips moved from her lips to her cheeks, under her ear, down, down, until he reached the skin of her neck. Wiggling, she pushed her body up in search of some type of friction. 

God, she wanted him. Wanted him so badly she could feel it in the pit of her stomach, in the tips of her toes.

 

“Emma.” He whispered into the skin of her neck. “Emma.”

 

Her body went stiff as the sound of his voice hit her ears. It was like she’d been doused in cold water. Panic rose in her throat. 

 

What the fuck was she doing? 

 

This was Killian. She was making out with Killian. Killian, her best friend. Killian who had just gotten over his divorce to  _ the love of his life _ . Killian who’d spent the last year wallowing in self-hate and hitting in rock bottom. 

 

What the  _ fuck _ was she doing?

 

Wasn’t the whole reason she’d pull away the last couple of weeks to avoid this? To avoid ruining their friendship? Wasn’t…

 

“Emma?” Killian’s voice was full of confusion as he lifted himself up to catch her gaze. “Love?”

 

Closing her eyes, she pressed her hand flat against his bare chest. Her head shook, her eyes filled with tears. This was such a bad idea. This was…

 

“Stop.” Her voice wobbled as the words left her lips. “Please stop.”

 

Killian, ever the gentleman, immediately heeded her words and moved to sit next to her on the bed. Lifting his arm, he tugged the hair at the nape of his neck in confusion. “What… Emma I do not understand. What is the matter love?”

 

“I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out of her mouth quickly, though she is not sure what she is apologizing for. 

 

His hand reached out and the moment she felt his skin against hers she jumped out of the bed. Standing next to the bed, she wrapped her arms around her waist and lifted her eyes to meet his.

 

As soon as her gaze locked on his, her heart shatters in her chest. His blue eyes are full of nothing but confusion and pain. Confusion and pain that  _ she _ put there. She really messed this up. 

 

Killian ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes never leaving hers. “Emma.” His words were full of understanding as he begged her to listen. “Do not over think this, Emma.  _ Please. _ ” His arm dropped to his side. “I love you.”

 

But that was the whole problem. He loved her. It was something she never thought would happen. Something she’s convinced herself was improbable because she knew that it didn’t matter. He might love her and she might love him but, in the end, she would lose him. Just like she’d lost everyone else she’d ever loved. 

 

_ You’re incapable of love, Emma. That’s what happens when you grow up the way you did. That’s why you always lose the people who claim to love you _ . 

 

Walsh’s words from months ago come back to her in that instant. He was right. She’d hated him when he’d said it, but he was right. 

 

Tightening her arms around her waist, she took a step away from the bed. She couldn’t lose Killian too. Not him, anyone but Killian. Lifting her hand, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I… I can’t.” Biting her lip, she focused her gaze on the floor below her feet. “I can’t lose you, too. I can’t..”

 

In that moment, the feeling of warm hands as they cupped her cheeks pull her from of her thoughts. Killian stood in front of her, his head ducked in an attempt to catch her gaze. His eyes are full of kindness, of understanding, and of  _ love _ . Her breath catches in her throat. 

 

Despite what she knew, despite her fear of losing him, she cannot deny that she wanted him. She loves him. 

 

“Hey.” He whispered the word gently as she pulled her head up to meet his gaze further. “ It’s just me, Emma. Just me and you. I know you’re scared. Bloody hell, I am too but… give me a chance, love. Give  **us** a chance.” 

 

_ Give us a chance. _

 

In that moment, Emma realized that she wanted nothing more than to do that very thing. She wanted a chance, a chance to figure out what they were, what they could be.

 

“Okay.” Her lips lifted into a smile, lightness filled her chest as she felt her head nod. “Okay.”

 

Killian grinned, his thumb rising to wipe at her cheek where the tears had fallen once more. “Yeah?” He questioned. “Truly?”

 

She felt her eyes crinkle as her smile widened. “Yes, truly. I love you, Killian Jones and I want to try.”

 

Propelling herself forward, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a review if you feel up to it.


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